I woke up in the middle of the night, shaking uncontrollably, after another in an increasingly vivid dreams that I could no longer dismiss, as I had done my entire life.
Dreams about the life I should have been living, the person I should have been, but that I had never dared admit were something I wanted.
Until that night.
I realized at that moment that I could no longer live a lie.
Not one second more.
I finally told myself the truth:
I was a girl.
It was not a moment of triumph, or relief.
It was, really, an admission of reality.
This was never going to go away.
I fought for as long as I could, as hard as I could.
But I could fight no more.
I was worn out.
I had to give in.
I had no idea if it was even possible.
Not just in terms of passing. But in terms of the price I would have to pay, and the sacrifices I would have to make, financially, emotionally, and more.
But I resolved then and there that I would do the best I could to live the life I deserved.
I was terrified.
But I knew the alternative was even more terrifying.
So I chose, as one of my favorite songwriters put it, to kick at the darkness.
And three years later... here I am.
It has been the hardest thing I have ever done.
And the best thing I have ever done.
The journey to self-acceptance that started in the early morning hours three years ago is a long one. I have made tremendous progress, and am proud of how hard I have worked and how far I have come in the face of sometimes daunting challenges. And while there are still miles to go, I know I will do everything within my power to reach the destination, to live the life I want, and deserve, to live.
Pictures can only show a small part of the journey - but still an important one. I am approaching two and a half years on hormones in a few weeks.
I know I have changed - if only from how others react when I show them photos of "him" and then of me. lol In particular, I can sense that the changes have accelerated in the last few months. I have been full-time for just over four months, so I suppose it's a combination of hitting the two-year mark late last November and of finally becoming comfortable as myself at long last.
At any rate, I thought I would share a few photos to show that change over the last three years. (Some of these are repeats, but hey, recycling is a virtue, is it not? ;))
The photo at the top of the post was taken early last week, and the next two were taken last Thursday, April 24th:
Stay tuned for further changes! :D
Three really *is* a magic number:
I adored Schoolhouse Rock growing up, and have always found this particular song to be surprisingly moving.
It's just a shame King Arthur didn't hear this back in the day:
Oh well, things turned out OK there for everyone. Well, everyone other than the rabbit... :D