See A Little Light

Thursday, August 15, 2013


Hello all!

Please accept my apologies for the lack of posts recently.

As I have mentioned, I try to be honest about how I am feeling.

And I was feeling poorly.

For a while.

Fortunately, though, I feel better now.

I seem to have hit bottom on Monday - well, really, early Tuesday morning.

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling as down as I have felt in a long, long time.

I suspect it was the culmination of what has been a challenging 18+ months, and a particularly challenging two months. What I was trying to convince myself was just exhaustion was something more serious, and all too familiar. However, there was one big difference this time:

I am myself now.

And that makes - and made - all the difference in the world.




Pre-transition, I simply endured these episodes, some of which lasted many, many months.

I never told anyone about them; I assumed that they were my problem, so I had to deal with it.

Moreover, those feelings - or really, a lack of feelings, just a vast, all-encompassing, aching numbness - were so commonplace that I took them for granted.

My first therapist expressed genuine astonishment when I described what she termed "multiple episodes of severe, severe depression" that, in retrospect, had started when I was in first grade.

She asked me, without judgement, how I possibly endured a lifetime of them without seeking help.

I was puzzled.

"Well, everyone fees like that. Don't they?" I replied.

And then she understood.

"No," she said. "No, they do not."

"But how would you possibly know that? These feelings are all you've ever known, so to you they would seem normal."

With her help, and with the help of my other therapists, including M, my wonderful current therapist, I have learned that not only are those feelings not normal, but  that I do not have to endure them.

In fact, when I became aware of what was happening - in large measure thanks to several close friends (including Halle and my dear sister April) who told me how worried they were for me - I did something "he" could not do:

I reached out for help.

And I talked about how I felt.

In fact, I had to talk about how I felt.

As I am sure I have written before, I simply cannot keep my feelings, no matter what they are, inside any longer.

I simply must express them, and let them out.

At first doing so didn't seem to make a difference. I still felt awful.

But early Tuesday morning, this "fever" peaked...

... and then rapidly burned itself out.

After several long early morning hours of dark, dark thoughts, I fell asleep.

And when I woke up... those thoughts were gone.

I felt, and still feel, some of the "hangover" effects.

I am very, very tired, and my emotions are a bit raw.

But that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach is gone.

I feel like myself again: outgoing, happy, more "smile-y," and sort of, well, goofy/geeky. (OK, more than sort of!)

For instance, I had no problem earnestly expounding at length with a work colleague today about how the Seattle Mariners youth movement paying dividends.

The fact that this means I admit I am a diehard Mariners fan, in spite of near-constant ineptitude for most of their history did not make one whit of difference to me. The Mariner Moose (below, to the right) will always have pride of place in my bed top menagerie. Well, next to Cody the Cow, anyway. Hey, even baseball pales next to my love of cows...


Oh, and I am as clumsy as ever. Of course. As my fellow klutz Stace can attest, the fact that I spilled coffee on myself not once, not twice, but three times today - the last time while chatting in the hallway with a vice president at work :#) - is a clear sign that yes, I am getting back to normal. lol

So, thank you to Halle, my sister April, my friend B (who patiently and sympathetically listened to my semi-coherent rants on two separate occasions this past week), and, really, all of my friends, whose support helps me more than they can ever know. I am a lucky, lucky girl to have you all in my life.

I promise my next post will be much more positive.

And hopefully worth the wait! :D

***

Here's a great song from Husker Du frontman Bob Mould's stellar solo debut, 1989's Workbook:


 It is a wonderful album, as nearly all of his work is, including last year's stellar Silver Age.

8 comments:

Jenna on August 15, 2013 at 2:15 AM said...

Cass, glad that your feeling better.
Have to say I'm looking forward to your next post. If its going to be a more positive post then its going to be well worth reading because the way this one reads to me its very positive.
You've had a problem, learned how to deal with it and this week did just that and you got through it quickly.
Big hugs, well done you.

What is it about baseball that makes it so interesting?
We were trying to figure it out in work the other day as one of the guys had been watching a game and couldn't understand the fascination with it, it was on a par with watching cricket he reckoned.

Stace on August 15, 2013 at 4:08 AM said...

Hoi,

Great that you have been able to use your network of friends to help you though, and that you are on the mend!

During my recent trip to the UK my mum actually asked Mrs Stace, "Has she always been this clumsy?" due to the amount of times I was saying ow and walkting into door frames etc...

:)

Stace

Nadine on August 15, 2013 at 10:56 PM said...

I am happy to hear that you are doing better :)

Becca on August 17, 2013 at 11:08 AM said...

Great you are getting back to normal :)

I did that coffee thing last week all down my trousers. No way could I last the day without changing as I was going to Occupational Health to discuss my transition. The irony was I had to go and buy another pair of men's trousers - something I thought I was never going to have to do again. Pah !

Calie on August 17, 2013 at 4:39 PM said...

Oh, that Halle. Amazing that we just did posts within a day of each other and Halle was a key ingredient! That really is amazing, now that I think of it, and I read this post after I did mine! Nice to have Halle around Blogistan, isn't it?

Cassidy on August 18, 2013 at 6:07 PM said...

@ Calie: It certainly is! All hail... er, Halle! lol

@ Becca: Thank you. Also, too bad about the trousers. Perhaps you can hold a ceremonial burning ceremony once you are full-time? :D

@ Nadine: Thank you hon! I am learning a lot by looking at your blog, btw. Fashion-wise, I find myself wishing they made equivalent adult-size Garanimals! ("Hmm... today feels like a purple elephant kind of day!")

@ Stace: Thank you too sweetie! I am glad they are in my life, that is for sure!

As far as being a klutz, I was talking with a trainer at my gym on Friday evening (I was the only person there) after I finished my workout. I made her laugh when I said a successful workout was one that ended without me strangling myself with my headphones. lol

@ Jenna: I hadn't really thought of this as a positive post, but I guess it is! Thank you for helping me look at it in a new light. :c) And yes, the next one is VERY positive. I *promise* I will finish it sometime this decade!

As far as your baseball question... well, I can only speak for myself. Baseball is a religion here in New England - well, more accurately the Red Sox are a religion. I attended several hundred games with my Aunt B over the years, starting when I was very small and continuing right up until I moved to Seattle.

I was a bit of a loner as a child; still am, really. For obvious reasons, I learned not to let anyone get close to me. The risk was too great.

One of the things that brought me comfort was baseball. Not just the Red Sox, but the sport in general. It is much more leisurely than the other professional sports here in the States. (I also adore hockey, which *is* non-stop action, but also contains an element of gracefulness and artistry at its highest level.)

In spite of what it may seem, there is actually a great deal going on, once you know what to look for. Much of it is quite subtle... but it is there.

I watch most games on TV (or listen on the radio as I drive home from work), but in person is where you can see it best. Friends used to kid me when we went because of my intense concentration while watching. lol And kidding aside, it was also another way to avoid being alone with my thoughts.

Baseball provides you with a great deal of time to think. They play games starting in early March (spring training) all the way through until, well, now into November (which is a bit silly, really).

I no longer need to hide from my thoughts, but now it serves the opposite purpose; I can watch a game and be comfortable simply being quiet and... well, just being. I now like being alone with my thoughts. :c)

And I found - find - a great deal of comfort knowing that, no matter how awful a day may be, either at school, work, or home (sometimes all three), that there would be a game that night. Many a time that thought was all that got me through a day. Having a constant in my life like that is worth a great deal. Especially now, when so much of my life is in flux.

Sorry to get so serious, Jenna! lol But there you go: the Tao of Baseball, According to Cass!

Thank you again, hon! Have a wonderful week!!!

Hugs to all,
Cass

April on August 23, 2013 at 7:55 PM said...

Late to the party again.....you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for sis.

Like your Opus! I was always more of a Steve Dallas fan. Clearly Bloom County's voice of reason.

Cassidy on August 23, 2013 at 10:56 PM said...

@ April: Thank you. :)

No Steve Dallas dolls, alas. But I *do* have several smaller Opuses, including the Christmas Opus. If I remember, I'll post pictures of them too.

== Cass

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