Finally (Plus... A Nice Moment)

Monday, September 16, 2013

Hi everyone. Hope you all had a nice Monday.

I apologize for the lack of posts in the past month. 

It has been a difficult period, the most difficult in what has been a challenging year.

I will write more about this in the days ahead. 

For now, I will simply say that I am taking steps to address the situation.

Follow below for a bit more. And for a hopeful coda as well. :c)

My most recent posts were part of an attempt to convince myself I was feeling better.

I am afraid that was wishful thinking on my part.

Fortunately, as I noted, I was able to recognize what was happening.

In spite of how unpleasant this period has been, I am proud that I was able to recognize what was going on. 

Rather than ignoring it or shutting down, as I would have pre-transition, I was able to step back and look at the big picture. 

I listened when friends (both online and in day-to-day life) expressed their concern - repeatedly, in more than one instance.

I paid attention to what I knew were signs that what was going on was not a normal instance of feeling blue.

And I reached out for help to my therapist and my doctor, both of whom have been wonderfully supportive. I would not have done so in the past.

I have a long way to go. I don't feel remotely close to my usual self, physically or emotionally.

But I know I am on the path to feeling better. I am doing everything in my power to do so.

I also gained some insight into what was/is behind these feelings. I will be exploring these in the months ahead with M, my therapist. We have already made a list, in fact. 

I am drained as I write this. Work has been particularly exhausting the past few weeks, but the finish line is in sight for the most pressing items this week. I won't come close to finishing all that needs to be done, but I am hoping the worst will be over for the time being.

As I said above, I will write more extensively in the days ahead as time, and my energy level, permit. Thank you to everyone who has reached out the past few weeks to express their concern. I am grateful, and a lucky, lucky girl. I love you all.


As promised in the title, I wanted to end by mentioning a nice moment that happened late this afternoon at work.

I spent the day in the main office today so I could work with B, who was kind enough to fix some issues with my documentation that I simply did not have time to do myself.

I am only there on occasion now, and when I am I tend to be so focused I don't have time to check in with colleagues who haven't been sentenced to the northern outpost as I have.

One of my favorite colleagues, RM (M is for main, to differentiate her from the R I work with in the remote office) stopped by for a moment after speaking with B, who was sitting in the cube next to mine. We chatted amiably for a minute or two - she has a warped sense of humor just like me - before she had to leave for a meeting.

Late in the afternoon I heard someone tapping lightly on my desk. 

I turned and saw RM.

She crouched down close to me and spoke softly.

"This is absolutely none of my business, and please feel free to tell me to mind my own business if you want," she said. "But can I ask if you're transitioning?"

I was surprised, to put it mildly. But R is a good friend, and I trust her completely.

"Yes," I said. "I am."

She smiled.

"Good for you, hon!" she said. "I had a hunch when I saw you earlier."

"How?" I asked her.

She replied that she had a friend who was also a MTF transsexual, so she was likely more aware for that reason.

"But really, I hadn't seen you for  a while," she said, "And you… well, you look different. Your hair is getting long, your fingernails are growing, and so on. But… you really just *seem* different. Like… well, like a girl."

"I just want you to know, hon, that if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here," she said as she squeezed my hand. "I'm happy to do anything I can to help."

"Thank you, RM," I told her. "That means a lot to me."

"It's my pleasure, believe me," she said as she stood up. "By the way, I think you are going to be absolutely adorable."

I blushed, which made her laugh.

"I have to leave for a doctor's appointment," she said. "But do you have any pictures you wouldn't mind sharing?"

"Sure," I said. 

I pulled out my phone and called up one from my Newport stay. 

She clapped her hand over her mouth.

"Oh my God!" she said with a laugh, her eyes wide. "I take that back, hon - you already ARE adorable! Wow!"

That made me REALLY blush. :c)

I showed her a few more, and she shook her head in amazement each time. 

"I really have to go," she said. "But I'd love to see more if you don't mind."

I assured her I would be happy to share more with her.

I stood up and we hugged as she prepared to leave for her appointment, agreeing that we would go out to lunch once I am out of crunch mode. 

I cannot wait. 

This was a long, exhausting day in what promises to be a long, exhausting week. But I feel quite a bit better tonight than I did this morning. All thanks to RM. :c)


Just wanted to post a lovely cover of The National's "Pink Rabbits" by Caitlin Rose, a wonderful country singer/songwriter I have just become familiar with.

Here's a gorgeous live version courtesy of The National, done without their drummer (who was nursing a sore back).

Their album Trouble Will Find Me is one of my favorites from this year.

Finally, one more cover by Miss Rose, this time of an Arctic Monkeys song, "Piledriver Waltz":

I love the song, but I must confess that much of the video's appeal is how impossibly cute she looks. If I am feeling extra-brave, I may even consider this as a candidate for my Halloween costume. :c)


LL Cool Joe on September 22, 2013 at 3:52 AM said...

Wow, what a great conversation with a work colleague. It's so nice when someone understands and gets it. I seem to lack people like that in my life, who try to deny my feelings and pretend it's just a "phase I'm going through".

Cassidy on September 22, 2013 at 7:28 PM said...

Hi Joe,

Yes, it was. I'm going to write a bit more about it in my next post, but it certainly was gratifying, particularly in light of how I have been struggling the past few months.

I'm sorry you have so many people who feel that way, Joe. I have a few myself (including my family other than my sister|, unfortunately), and I know what an energy drain it is.

It helps to truly know yourself, as you clearly do. That knowledge about myself has allowed me to deal with the negative reactions, even if that has been difficult. I would have crumbled in the face of my family's opposition pre-transition to something of this magnitude; no longer. I value myself now, and that's because I have done the work to understand myself. You have too, I can tell.

Don't let them get you down!!! :c)


Diana Nicole B on September 23, 2013 at 5:43 AM said...

Cass i am sooooo glad for you.
and seeeee i said you were cute but here is another person who has expanded it to adorable!
it does make things a bit easier when one receives positive support.
i am soooo lucky in that even though i am not transitioning i too have received such positive support from my famialy and friends and neighbors whom i have come out to.
thank you for sharing.

Cassidy on September 23, 2013 at 9:48 PM said...

Hi Diana!

Thank you. :#)

I have to confess, as much as I appreciate people paying me compliments like this, it is a bit embarrassing.

I know I have changed. Based on the reaction of people whom I tell now it is clear I have changed quite a bit too. But when it happens I am still a bit... puzzled, perhaps? Hmm... something to discuss with my therapist a bit more! I am *very* happy that people perceive me as female when I am out as myself now; anything beyond that is a bonus.

I'm glad to hear you have such supportive people in your life. I know in my case they have helped immeasurably, especially when dealing with how my family (other than my sister and nephew) have reacted. That's a reflection of who you are, hon, so be proud of it.

Have a lovely evening, Diana!!!


bashashhazbaz on September 24, 2013 at 6:02 PM said...

awesome interchange between you and your friend, cass!

Cassidy on September 24, 2013 at 8:35 PM said...

Could not agree more! :c) My next post will have some additional details, so stay tuned!

== Cass

Calie on October 2, 2013 at 12:19 AM said...

Hi Cass. I'm going to write you a long email, but I am just now catching up on emails. I'm so, so sorry for reading this so late. I'll explain why in my email.

I loved RM's comments. Hope you're doing OK.

Calie xxx

Cassidy on October 2, 2013 at 11:18 PM said...

Hi Calie!

You have no reason whatsoever to apologize, hon. None at all. I know how busy you are, and am happy - and flattered - whenever I see your name in my inbox. :-p

I do hope all is well with you, and that you are not burning the candle at both ends. Don't make me come out there now - or worse, send my manager! lol She's in Texas, so you won't have as much warning if I were to decide to come and straighten you out!

RM is a sweetheart, and was even before she made those kind comments. And she is a riot as well. :c)

Take care, hon, and we'll catch up soon!

Hugs & love,

P.S. I am really loving the new box sets from The Band (the complete New Year's Eve 1971 shows at the Academy of Music) and Dylan (Another Self Portrait). Both are amazing. Dylan never ceases to amaze me; he is the consummate artist...

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