Celluoid Heroines: Thelma & Louise (& Cass & April???)

Hello, gentle reader. Once again, apologies for the lengthy spell between posts. It's been eventful in Cass's little corner of the world. Hopefully I can share some of it soon. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, though, both my partner-in-crime April and your humble blogstress thought it was high time to share another of our incisive tete-a-tetes concerning the pressing matters of the day.

On this day, our wide-ranging discussion covered the gamut, from meteorology to foreign affairs to, ultimately, the creative process - all pursued with our usual level of determination, rigorous intellect, and good taste.

Enjoy! (And feel free to take notes if you are so inclined. There's much wisdom here, if I do say so myself. And I do...)

***

This conversation took place in the middle of Snowpocalypse in both Toronto and Boston.

April: Car outside temp display shows -23C. Brrr!!!!

Cass: Two more feet of snow here today - that will be 100 inches in five weeks. That does it: we're moving to southern France. Pack your bags, girl!

A: Done and double done.

C: We'll have to work on our air of unearned haughtiness on the plane ride, I guess.

A: Plane ride?!? Mais non! Package steamer. Remember, I'm bringing a few cars, clothes, etc.

C: Hmm... good point. And of course I'm bringing my collection of bovine-related accoutrements.

A: That alone may require a ship of its own.

C: "Les Bovines Plus Grande," as I believe the locals put it. ("Les Moos" is also acceptable.)

A: The ship will have an interesting manifest.

C: Yes, one would imagine "Statutory Grape," for example, could perhaps lead to some confusion.

A: Two banana bikes might also raise eyebrows.

C: As might my box of VHS tapes with the entire Lou Grant series. To say nothing of my Ed Asner Playgirl centerfold.

A: True. That may raise even French eyebrows.

C: "Ohhhh. Mr. Grant!"

A: Never really liked that show. More into Laverne and Shirley.

C: "Schemeel! Schlemazel! Hasenfeff Incorporated!" Just think - we could have a singalong every night on the high seas!

A: When flirting with the captain, remember to call it a boat. They like that.

C: I believe they will also accept "tub."

A: Sigh... I miss Lenny and Squiggy, Cass.

C: But what about Carmine? Pardon me - The Big Ragu?

A: Nah. Too swarthy.

C: Yeah, never liked him either. His arms were sooooo hairy. Yuck!!!

A: Agreed. Now I would totally date Jim Rockford.

C: Ummm.... yeahhh?!?!? That goes without saying. Just keep an eye on that hussy lawyer of his. Tramp.

A: She must be gay.

C: Hmmm... well now, that certainly puts matters in an entirely different light. >=)

A: Is there Rockford slash fiction?

C: There is now! :D

A: Another frontier reached. How do we do it?

C: I don't question our collective genius any longer, hon; I simply acknowledge its presence. Anyway, I'll bring my Playgirl swizzle sticks and shag carpet area rug and meet you at Jim's trailer. Last one there has to clean the fondue pot!

A: Brings whole new meaning to "Rockford turn," doesn't it?

C: On that note... you can start with Jim by talking cars. I'll, er... check out the lawyer's briefs.

A: And then: cross-examination.

C: Oh my... did it suddenly get warm in here?

A: Moving on... how about this? Mad Men has reached the Seventies. So could we have a Rockford Files/Mad Men mash up. Dons wife, Megan goes missing, a cult is suspected, Jim takes the case.

C: I like the way you think, girl!

A: How about Archer & The Walking Dead, that would be awesome!

C: Ooh! Ooh! Justified... and Deadwood! Double the Timothy Olyphant?!? Who could resist?

A: Time travel necessary, but I could see it.

C: I'm sure Al Swearengen can figure it out.

A: Dead Like Me and Scoobie Doo?

C: That is an odd pairing! It just might work.

A: Both supernatural.

C: Ah. Of course.

A: X Files and Hit and Miss, Mia is recruited by the FBI.

C: The Odd Couple, starring Raylan Givens and Dewey Crowe.

A: LOL\=D/

C: Raylan keeps asking Dewey if he wants kidney for dinner.

A: Law and Order: I Love Lucy. Lucy and Ethel are cops on NYC vice unit in late fifties. Already have half the episodes written in my head.

C: Dan & Roger from Mad Men are a natural crossover, I think. Perhaps Joan becomes Ethel & Lucy's CI at Sterling-Cooper?

A: CI?

C: Sorry - Confidential Informant. I forget not everyone grew up with a father slinging police lingo.

A: Got it.

C: 10-4.

A: Makes perfect sense now.

C: Copy that. OMG... I can't stop the lingo now! And I have an insatiable craving for crullers, bad coffee, and questionable off-duty fashion choices! Help!!!

A: Focus, dammit! This is important! In the Seventies, how about a reboot of Law and Order: ILL (I Love Lucy)? Little Ricky becomes cocaine baron and relocates to Miami.

C: Hang on.. I'm alerting Crockett & Tubbs with the Imminent Drug Bust beacon. Just gotta find the right shade of pastel filter to apply first.

A: Tell them to leave the socks at home.

C: "You're under arrest, scumbag - for a crime against fashion!"

And on it went, for hours and hours. (And no, I am not kidding!)

*** 

It's hard to fathom how such obvious genius continues to go unrecognized by the cultural elite, isn't it? One can only hope they see the errors of their way while there's still time for April and I to save television. Hollywood... the clock is ticking!

***

On that note, here's a lovely version of one of my favorite Kinks songs: "Celluloid Heroes."

Only Ray Davies could look at what most would casually dismiss as a slightly tacky and vulgar tourist attraction... and instead recognize a metaphor for loneliness, longing, and the hope of transcendence, even if it's only vicariously, for a few precious hours on the silver screen.

God Save The Kinks indeed...