Three (Is A Magic Number)

My life started three years ago today.

I woke up in the middle of the night, shaking uncontrollably, after another in an increasingly vivid dreams that I could no longer dismiss, as I had done my entire life.

Dreams about the life I should have been living, the person I should have been, but that I had never dared admit were something I wanted.

Until that night.

I realized at that moment that I could no longer live a lie.

Not one second more.

I finally told myself the truth:

I was a girl.

It was not a moment of triumph, or relief.

It was, really, an admission of reality.

This was never going to go away.

I fought for as long as I could, as hard as I could.

But I could fight no more.

I was worn out.

I had to give in.

I had no idea if it was even possible.

Not just in terms of passing. But in terms of the price I would have to pay, and the sacrifices I would have to make, financially, emotionally, and more.

But I resolved then and there that I would do the best I could to live the life I deserved.

I was terrified.

But I knew the alternative was even more terrifying.

So I chose, as one of my favorite songwriters put it, to kick at the darkness.

And three years later... here I am.

:D

It has been the hardest thing I have ever done.

And the best thing I have ever done.

The journey to self-acceptance that started in the early morning hours three years ago is a long one. I have made tremendous progress, and am proud of how hard I have worked and how far I have come in the face of sometimes daunting challenges. And while there are still miles to go, I know I will do everything within my power to reach the destination, to live the life I want, and deserve, to live.

Pictures can only show a small part of the journey - but still an important one. I am approaching two and a half years on hormones in a few weeks.

I know I have changed - if only from how others react when I show them photos of "him" and then of me. lol In particular, I can sense that the changes have accelerated in the last few months. I have been full-time for just over four months, so I suppose it's a combination of hitting the two-year mark late last November and of finally becoming comfortable as myself at long last.

At any rate, I thought I would share a few photos to show that change over the last three years. (Some of these are repeats, but hey, recycling is a virtue, is it not? ;))

 

 
The photo at the top of the post was taken early last week, and the next two were taken last Thursday, April 24th:

Stay tuned for further changes! :D

***

Three really *is* a magic number:

I adored Schoolhouse Rock growing up, and have always found this particular song to be surprisingly moving.

It's just a shame King Arthur didn't hear this back in the day:

Oh well, things turned out OK there for everyone. Well, everyone other than the rabbit... :D

Vignettes: Redhead Walking

Hello, all! And Happy Easter, if that is something you celebrate. :c)

I had a funny moment yesterday I thought I would share from Saturday, while I was out for a walk.  Follow along below the jump if you are so inclined!

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Vignettes: Banking On It

Hi everyone!

Just a very quick mid-week post about a funny incident from today.

I went out to lunch with my friend and co-worker B today. We chatted about various matters, among them my comfort level with finally being full-time. He remarked on how much happier I clearly was, and how at ease I seemed.

I agreed, mentioning how amazed I was that up until last July I had never so much as been out of the house as myself. Now, barely nine months later, I have been full-time for four months (as of this past Sunday - a fact that I totally missed until just now!). The dysphoria vanished as soon as I was living as myself, just as my friends had promised me. I am, simply, happily, me. Nothing more, nothing less.

I also commented on how odd it can be at times. I feel like myself inside, at long last. And I know on some level I look different than he did, even if I really can't see it when I look in the mirror. It can be difficult to articulate, but there is definitely some dissonance between what I know and what my brain perceives. B nodded and said that made sense to him, adding that he suspected that would change with time.

And I soon had an experience to speed that process up a bit. :D




After lunch, I asked if we could swing by my bank so I could deposit a check, and B, good friend that he is, said of course. (My offer to buy him a cup of coffee probably didn't hurt my chances either. lol)

B accompanied me to the bank, and gentleman that he is, insisted on stopping me when I tried to open the door for us and instead held it open for me. Yes, I enjoyed it. :D

I filled out my deposit ticket and waited in line. A teller I didn't recognize came out after a minute or two, smiled and called us over. I returned her smile, said hello, and handed her the check and deposit slip, as well as my debit card and driver's license.

I fiddled about in my pocketbook while she processed the paperwork; B, as is his way, waited patiently. I glanced up a few moments later when I realized I wasn't hearing her typing on her keyboard.

She was looking at my debit card and license with a puzzled expression.

"I'm sorry, Miss... are you depositing this for your husband?"

Whoops. :#)

For various logistical reasons, I have not been able to get into Boston to probate court to get my name changed legally - which means my identification - including my debit card and driver's license - still bear his name. And in the case of my license, his photo.

I apologized (without blushing too much for a change) and explained that no, that was me - emphasis on "was." Her eyes widened, then, smiling, she said, "'Was' is right!"

As she finished processing the transaction, she said she never would have guessed unless I had told her that I was the person on the license. We chatted amiably for a minute or two about changing names and other matters. When she finished, she handed me back my receipt, wished us both a good afternoon, and wished me luck.

B, highly amused, waited until we reached the door to speak.

"Well, I don't think she had any trouble seeing you for who you are, Cass."

Apparently not. :D

***

I took the photo at the top of the post in the afternoon; it is no great shakes (it was rainy and windy, hence the crazy hair), but I like both my new dress and the hoodie with the fur trim (not real, needless to say).

Getting to wear something cute that I really like makes even a mediocre day much brighter. Lord knows I never thought that when I was trying to be a boy.

As I told R afterwards, "Have I mentioned how much I love being a girl?"

Not often enough - not often enough. :-p

***

Not that I need an excuse, but here's a Beatles song that fits:

And one more, since the 15th of April is the day taxes are due here in the States:

Fun fact: the blistering guitar solos are courtesy of Paul! He was, and is, a phenomenal musician...

Calamity Cass: A Week For The Record Books...

Greetings and salutations from Medical Center, a/k/a my bedroom. It has been a week to remember in the annals of Calamity Cass. 

I have endured trauma - mostly, but not entirely, self-inflicted - to my upper body, lower body, and my head. As Kelli pointed out to me while we were chatting on Friday evening: "Damn girl, you don't do anything halfway, do you?" lol

Alas, she is correct, as always. :c) So follow along below the break for a summary of Cass's adventures in being a one-girl self-wrecking crew. :c)

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How Do You 'Do?

Hello all! Hope everyone survived the week and is enjoying their weekend! :c) 

I haven't written much lately, so I want to get back to it as time permits. So I'll write a bit about the past week, including the not-so-good (a migraine) and the good (my latest trip to the salon). Happily, the good easily trumps the not-so-good! 

So, follow along after the jump, won't you? :D

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April Is Back, Part III: Her Latest Posts (a/k/a Resistance Is Futile)

Hi all! It is Cassidy again, in my guise as Spokesgal for April, Governess of All She Surveys.

April is doing well and happily blogging away. However, Blogger seems determined to prevent others from knowing this. For some reason her new posts are *not* appearing on T-Central, nor do they turn up on the list of blogs for those of us who officially follow her.

We are currently working to defeat the Borg (i.e. Blogger), and will succeed because… well, because Girl Power. Need I say more? :D

But in the meantime, I'm just going to post links to her new posts so folks on T-Cental  know she is indeed blogging away in the Great White North.

Here are her two newest posts - both well worth reading, it goes without saying:

Redux

Beautiful Darling

Stay tuned for more from the pen of April!

***

A few tunes from a wonderful artist I know both April and I really enjoy - Marshall Crenshaw, First up, "Cynical Girl":

Here he is making his network television debut on David Letterman in 1982:

Both of those are from his self-titled debut in 1982, which is simply magnificent. It really doesn't get any better than that!

And here's my personal favorite - "Whenever You're On My Mind":

It simply boggles the mind that this wasn't a hit in 1983. It is such a great song! And the video is absolutely charming too. :c)

Pale, Blue Eyes

Hello all. Hope everyone is ready for the weekend. I know I am. I've been enduring my semi-annual bout with the flu since last Saturday. The bug that is going around now is a particularly nasty one. I basically slept all day from Saturday through early Tuesday afternoon (I missed two days of work). 

I was feeling well enough - or, alternately, was still not thinking clearly enough lol - to keep my electrolysis appointment on Tuesday evening. My electrologist snapped a quick photo of me in her waiting room: 

Yes, I really am that pale. :D Well, in this picture it's really just her doing a terrific job of capturing the late afternoon sunlight - and trying to do her best with her "model." lol

Incidentally, you can glimpse my (relatively) new teal and black dress - and my bra strap. :#) As April has told me, I guess I really am a shameless hussy!

And on that note, folks, I bid you all a pleasant Friday. Enjoy the weekend!!!

***

I've posted this before, but it's so good I'm doing it again: Alejandro Escovedo's moving cover of the Velvet Underground's "Pale Blue Eyes":

You say you need to induce goosebumps? Well, here you go:

How is this man not a household name, I ask you? Just an amazing artist. I could use different Alejandro Escovedo songs in my posts for the next year and not come close to exhausting his catalogue of great songs. He is a national treasure...