The Unguarded Moment

Where to start, where to start… no better place than right now, I guess. Maybe I'll backtrack a bit to when I finally realized that not only couldn't I fight this battle any longer, I didn't want to. I want to be who I am. Nothing more, nothing less.

What triggered it? It was, oddly enough, something that had happened before. Except this time it finally made me act. I started dreaming about a girl I know and, well, sort of have a crush on. :c) And in my dreams I was a girl too. Same as before. And we were… er, you know. And, again, I was a girl. But for whatever reason, these dreams were *so* vivid, so real, that I was dizzy when I woke up. Every time. And the feelings were so overwhelming that pretty soon it was all I could think about. I was having a terrible time concentrating, something that was never a problem before this. (One thing about we Irish: we sure can ignore stuff we don't want to deal with. Look, I'm not acknowledging this is happening! See, its like it's not there! Problem. Solved! O say can you see… I'm not listening… la la la!) 

I just knew that L - the me everyone knows -  was finally losing control. And Kelly was taking over. And this time she was going to win the battle. And I wanted her to win. 

I started reading transgendered girl's blogs. First, I was awed and inspired by their courage and determination. (Still am.) Even more, I realized I was seeing… me. Over and over and over. It was both frightening and reassuring at the same time. I wasn't crazy. I wasn't alone. And I saw that not only was this possible, but that it could be the best thing you ever did. You're not sentenced to a life of loneliness and that constant, ever-present sense that you're living a lie.

Still, it took me a week to work up the courage to call a therapist. I know that once I did there was no turning back. Kelly was one genie who was never going back in her bottle. Oddly enough, once I actually picked up the phone, there was no hesitation as I dialed the number. Instead, there was… calm. Nor did I hang up when I got voicemail. And when Dr. S called back, and I heard her kind voice, I finally said it: 

I'm a girl.

And I'm going to transition.