Musings: My Protector

A recent post consisted of the result of a recent writing exercise in which I took part. The exercise was to write a letter of compassion/like/love to yourself. I did something a bit different and wrote a letter from pre-transition me to myself, Cassidy. I decided that turnabout is fair play, as the saying goes, so this is a brief letter from myself, Cassidy, to pre-transition me. Follow along below the jump.

Hi L!

This is Cass, a/k/a post-transition you, Thanks so much for your recent letter!

You asked if I think of you often... and the answer is yes. But what I think about, and how I think about it, has changed quite a bit over the years.

For one thing... wow, did you have a full plate! And that list is by no means complete; I simply didn't want a run-on sentence of links! (Only partially kidding about that, I'm afraid.) 

I will add that as we both know, things have improved with my mother (my father passed away several years ago after a long illness with a decidedly mixed/complex relationship between us), so that final link is no longer completely accurate.

However, the scars from that bruising conversation in December 2013, to say nothing of the outright hostility and betrayal by my ex-brother F and his brood, still linger. I frequently tell M, my wonderful therapist, that I have had it easier than many people in their transition... to which she replies yes... but you've had it far more difficult than many others.

Fair point, I suppose. And saying that is proof of the progress I've made over the years - progress due in great part to the base you provided through your strength, courage, and determination as I was growing up, and well into my adulthood. You never gave up, and you never stopped doing your best to protect me, even if you didn't - couldn't - fully comprehend who it was you were protecting. That was no small feat, given when and where I grew up.

The bottom line is, I would not be here today if not for you. Even with my recent difficulties, which were as serious as they could have been, it was the lessons I learned from you that enabled me to step back from the brink at the darkest moment of my life.

And not to be all dark clouds; I also have the sense of humor I do, as well as my love of history, music, movies, cartooning, and so much more, because of you.Those are the things that make life worth living. To say nothing of the amazing friends I've made throughout my life. As M reminds me frequently when I remark on how lucky I am to have the friends I do, they are a reflection of who I am - who we are.

I will wrap this up by quoting you: 

And look where you are now. Can you believe how far you've come? I always knew what you could do if you simply gave yourself a chance. And you did. All those years I did my best to protect you as best I could. And this is what I hoped for all those years.

So... give yourself a giant virtual hug from me, Cass. I'm proud of you, and I hope you're proud of yourself as well. Way to go, girl!!!

***

Thank you for all you did, L, and for the hard, hard work you did that gave me that chance. I will always be grateful. I'm going to listen to some of our favorite music (see below) and watch one of our favorite movies tonight (still tbd - thinking it will be Waking Life, one of our all-time favorites). Living life, as the song goes.

Lots of love - The You Now Known As Cass 😊

***

When I lived in Seattle, I was beyond fortunate to see several bands/artists in their formative stages play in small venues such as the Sunset Tavern, the Tractor, the Crocodile Cafe (owned at one point by Peter Buck of R.E.M. and his wife), and others. One of those acts was Fleet Foxes, who already had those breathtaking harmonies fully in place. Here's a powerful performance from Rockpalast in November 2008 of what is still my favorite song of theirs after all these years: "Your Protector."

Those harmonies... wow.

I also saw Band of Horses in the early days after Carissa's Wierd (another terrific band) broke up. Ben Bridwell formed BoH, learned how to play guitar and to write songs, and signed with Sub Pop, the label from which Nirvana and Soundgarden, among others, got their start - all in less than two years. This was their debut performance on Letterman in March 2006 -  with a pre-bearded Bridwell and their majestic, very Seattle sound already in place. This was their breakout song: "The Funeral":

Still gives me goosebumps after all these years.

One last tune from one of Canada's finest, The Tragically Hip. This is "Courage (For Hugh MacLennan)", from their classic Fully Completely album:

Hugh MacLennan was a Canadian novelist, perhaps best known for Two Solitudes (1945) and The Watch That Ends The Night (1957). A section from the latter is used in "Courage (For Hugh MacLennan)".

Finally, here's the trailer for Waking Life, the film mentioned above. It's as amazing and life-affirming as it was the first time I watched it back in 2001:

That will do it for now! See you soon...