Worn Out

Monday, February 18, 2013

My apologies in advance for this post, as I fear it's going to come off as more than a bit self-pitying. There are many people who have it far worse than I do, but I need to start to get these thoughts out of my head somehow.

I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I was sick for three days at the end of last week, the latest in a seemingly endless stretch of feeling poorly.

As a result, I had to work all weekend (a long weekend here in the States) to catch up, since I have, yes, ANOTHER deadline on Friday. This week will be incredibly stressful yet again.

Several people have noted that I seem particularly frazzled the past few weeks, and that is how I feel. I've just felt stretched too thin for too long, with no time to learn to be me, let alone relax.

I desperately need time to work on getting comfortable presenting as myself, but for the past year events have conspired to hinder this. I have precious little free time to practice makeup, dressing, and so on. Now I'm feeling anxious that I need to catch up, which is adding to my not-inconsiderable fear about taking those big steps.

I will get there.

NOTHING is going to stop me.

NOTHING.

But right now, I am, quite simply, tired.

I will try to write more about what I suspect is behind this, as well as some quite positive things that took place recently. In fact, those positive events frustrate me even more; I could literally SEE my future, and yet events keep preventing me from working towards making that future my reality.

Apologies again for being a downer.

***

Here is a beautiful song from British folksinger Bill Fay. In 2012 he released Life Is People, his first new album since 1971, which proved that his gifts have not diminished one bit. Here is his stunning re-invention of Wilco's "Jesus Etc." I assure you this will induce goosebumps:

12 comments:

April on February 19, 2013 at 12:10 AM said...

Dear Cass,

No need to apologize, I have found blogging extremely cathartic, we all need vent sometimes...get some sleep sis!

Hugs,

April

Stace on February 19, 2013 at 12:24 AM said...

Hey Cass,

As April says - you don't need to say sorry!

It's your place, and sometimes you just need to let it all out (like the start of my last post - it felt great to let that stress come out as I wrote it!)

Get some rest,
Stace

Becca on February 19, 2013 at 1:12 AM said...

Difficult to comment about your work but you have to make time for yourself. Easier said than done I guess .....

Cassidy on February 19, 2013 at 5:22 PM said...

Hi Becca, April, & Stace,

Thank you, girls.

I'm afraid I had a bit of a panic attack today. :c( Apparently I needed to vent a bit more. Sigh.

I'll write a post about what happened, but I can say thatI had a long chat with my manager, who was, as always, unstintingly supportive. She is both a great manager and a good friend. She knows about me, although I haven't officially told work yet.

Becca, she echoed precisely what you said - that I MUST learn to relax. And she also told me that I need to stop being so hard on myself.

There was one light moment. I kept apologizing throughout our conversation, and finally she said (good-naturedly), "Would you *please* stop apologizing? God, you are SUCH a girl!"

We both laughed, and then she said she hadn't even thought about it before she spoke. Which is a compliment. I think. lol

Anyway, thank you all again for the kind words!

Hugs,
Cass

Becca on February 20, 2013 at 12:36 AM said...

I do that apologising thing as well. Can't help myself.

Compliment... Reality :-)

jeanie on February 20, 2013 at 4:17 PM said...

Hey Cass,
May this little ditty from e.e.cummings might make sense.
"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight: and never stop fighting." So be yourself, take time for yourself, one day, two days, three days, whatever you need. Because one thing is certain.....the most wonderful thing about the future is simply that it is always tomorrow. One day at a time. So if you take some well deserved time off too do what you want to do, just remember... the future is just the next day around the corner.
Peace,
Jeanie (Jeanine)
For some reason I started singing the "59th Street Bridge Song" by S&G.

Cassidy on February 20, 2013 at 7:22 PM said...

@ Jeanie: Thank you very much. That is a great quote.

My manager said much the same when I spoke with her today about taking time for myself. She put it a bit more bluntly, as she's from Texas: "Learn to relax or I'm gonna kick your scrawny butt all over the office." And then she added (unnecessarily): "And you know I could do it." And she could too. :c)

@ Becca: Well, now I am blushing. :c) Thank you.

Off to dig up my Simon & Garfunkel albums...

Hugs,
Cass

Faline on February 21, 2013 at 8:18 AM said...

I don't know that I'd put too much pressure on yourself to "practice" dressing and makeup. Isn't so much about practicing as it is just being. The only way to get comfortable presenting as yourself is to present as yourself. To go out, and eventually you will realize that this isn't the big deal that you once thought it was. Sitting at home practicing slathering makeup all over that face of yours won't get you there. And clothes? Meh. Jeans and a hoodie are my go-to look for the mall, or grocery shopping, or whatever.

The only way to expand your comfort level is to step outside it.

Cassidy on February 21, 2013 at 7:44 PM said...

I must object to "slather," Miss F; I prefer "daub excessively." lol

I haven't had time to post about some things that took place recently, but I have taken steps to expand my comfort zone. I will write about them soon. (No, honest, I will!) My life isn't *all* doom and gloom. Just mostly. ;c)

Your point is well-taken though. I've had several other friends tell me the same thing. As April put it, she finally realized, "Oh, no one gives a f*** anyway." A wise lass, she is.

I have a tendency to want everything to be perfect before I do anything, and not just in terms of transitioning. It's why I wound up in the hospital last fall, at least in part. But my therapist told me last week I just need to do the best I can at the moment I'm in. And as she pointed out, I've been addressed as "Miss" or "she" at least four or five times in the past month or two, all while in boy mode, so that's encouraging.

Anyway, thank you for the sound advice, Faline. Hope all is well with you, and that your trip to Dallas was a rousing success. :c) Take care, sweetie!

Hugs,
Cass

Also, any advice on which tiara I should go with when I'm running an errand? So many choices... ;c)

Jenna on February 22, 2013 at 2:40 AM said...

I had a conversation with a friend last night about how we both need to take time to focus on things that we want to do for ourselves.

Plus one on April's "no one gives a f***"

Right I'd better go and find my trowel to put on my make-up :-)

Faline on February 22, 2013 at 4:50 AM said...

Definitely the pink tiara with the rhinestones... the blingier, the better!

Cassidy on February 22, 2013 at 7:55 PM said...

@ Jenna: Couldn't agree with you more about prioritizing. When my own manager is telling me I work too much, that is a sign. :c) And yes, my experience is that Miss April is usually correct when it comes to such matters!

@ Faline: I call that my "day-to-day" tiara. Guess I'm gettng the hang of this wardrobe thing! ;c)

Hugs,
Cass

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