Tidbits, Pt. II

Saturday, March 9, 2013

As promised, the exciting sequel to Tidbits I!


My manager, L, was in town this week for a visit.

It's no secret to anyone who reads my blog regularly how much I like L. She knows about me, and has been unfailingly supportive from the moment I told her. 

After arriving late Tuesday afternoon, she visited our office on Wednesday to give myself, my friend S, and my friend and fellow writer R our performance reviews and to take us out to lunch. My friend B also visited, since he is a) my friend and b) R and S's mentor. 

All of them know about me - except for R, which led to some a great deal of amusement for L, S, and B. But not so much for yours truly, needless to say. :c) 

L offered to drive, since her rental was large enough to accommodate all of us. I sat in the back, between S and B. Needless to say, I was in boy mode, as it was a work day. (Sigh.)

Once we had settled in and ordered, L joked that the weather at that moment (cold, rainy, blustery) must have been familiar to me from my years in Seattle. 

R began asking about the city. She is a Texas native, but has fallen in love with the kind of weather we were experiencing that day. I told her that this was what Seattle was like from mid-October until July 5th, as the locals joke.

She asked how long I had lived there. A decade, I replied.

"You've said how much you love it," she said. "What made you come back here?"

Well.

I haven't written about this - maybe I will some day. But the short version goes like this.

I moved back because I was rapidly losing my battle to resist transitioning. It was becoming harder and harder, even though I still couldn't admit it to myself. 

I was increasingly desperate, and hoped against hope that I could convince a friend to fall in love with me if I were closer. If she and I were to become involved, then all of this would... go away. The fact that she had told me  - gently but firmly - that she didn't think of me that way didn't deter me. Nothing would have at that point. 

Have you ever prepared to do something you *know* is wrong for you, and destructive... but felt compelled to do it anyway? 

Well, that is what I did. 

And it ended the way you would expect.

Fortunately, my friendship with this woman not only survived intact, we are closer than ever before. She is one of my biggest supporters.

Anyway, everyone at the table knew this, and that it had ended as well as it possibly could have. 

Everyone, that is, except R.

As I've mentioned, I get embarrassed easily, and I could feel my face flush as I replied to R.

"Well, umm... it's kind of a long story, R," I said.

"We have lots of time!" she replied. "None of have a deadline anytime soon. And you never really talk about your personal life, so I'm really curious!

"I'll bet there's a girl involved, huh?"

I could hear L, S, and R laughing. I was staring at my glass of water, trying to will myself not to make eye contact with anyone but R.

"Well... kind of," I said. "But... well.... like I said, it's a long story. 

"BELIEVE me, it's a LONG story. But I promise I'll tell you some day."

(L told me later that she was doing her best to try to catch my eye while all this was going on "so I could see if I could make you blush even harder." I love her to pieces... but she does have an evil streak! lol)

R later came over to apologize, but I assured her that wasn't necessary, and that I would tell her some other time. She is persistent, so I suspect that will be sooner rather than later. :c)

***

The instant we got back to the office, L asked if I minded going first. The original plan was for R and S to go first, since they are both new and would take longer. But I had no problem being first.

After receiving assurances from R and S that they would call the police if I hadn't returned to my desk in a half-hour (hey, why take chances?), we went into the small office L was using. 

I hadn't even taken my seat when she said quickly: "OK, your review is that I'm really pleased, especially with the last two releases. But you knew that already." 

(Actually, I *didn't* know that - see above re: self-confidence. ;c))

I thanked her, then mentioned that she seemed a bit distracted.

"I am - because I've been dying to tell y'all what happened on the way back from lunch!" she said, leaning forward in her chair.

"I was chatting with R up in the front," she said. "Then I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw you, because you were sitting in the middle.

"And - I saw YOU for the first time. I'm used to seeing "him" but this time it was Cass. 

"It was AMAZING! It was all I could do to restrain myself from yelling 'Holy s***!'" she said. "If R hadn't beent there, I would have. 

"I couldn't believe how *different* you looked all of a sudden! I kept sneaking peeks at you, which is why I was so distracted the entire way back."

(It was true; we had to keep reminding her which way to go, even though she knew the route cold.)

She then asked me to take off my glasses, which I did. 

"OK, y'all need to trim those eyebrows. And either start wearing contacts or think about Lasik, Cass!" she said. 

I had to laugh; that is precisely what R, the new electrologist, told me the night before! (Not the Lasik, but the rest.) 

I told her as much, and she replied, "Well, what more are you waiting for then?!? I know S is dying to help you with all of this, especially shopping."

She shook her head. 

"She told me you spent nearly four hours at Kohl's?" I nodded. "You are *definitely* a girl if you could stand it for that long! I would be there, done, and back home downing at least my third margarita after that long!"

We briefly considered conducting the remaining interviews at a local bar, but thought better of it. The remainder of our chat dealt with beginning to explore the logistics of notifying the company when I decide to go full-time. (Still tbd, but more on that another time.)

We ended with L reiterating that she will do everything she possibly can to help, and encouraging me to start going out as myself. 

"You're a lot closer than you think, you know," she said. "You can't see it. But I can, especially since my last visit. So get moving, girl!"

Have I mentioned how much I love my boss? :c)

***

I've been enjoying Johnny Marr's first official solo album since the untimely demise of The Smiths back in the late Eighties. It has been more than worth the wait. This is the title track, and one of my favorites:


Such an amazing guitarist! No one sounds like him.

A live version of "Big Mouth Strikes Again," from 1986, which shows he could bring it live too:


Damn... Morrissey was a looker back in the day! Who knew? (Not this gal!)


6 comments:

Stace on March 10, 2013 at 3:22 AM said...

I'm smiling from ear to ear!

And the more you write about L the more I like her. Every great person should have a bit of an evil streak :)

Stace

Debra on March 10, 2013 at 12:16 PM said...

Isn't it funny the people who support you, how easily they can see the new/real you? And yet on the other side of it, those who cling so tightly to your oldself they only see what they want to see?

Cassidy on March 10, 2013 at 1:20 PM said...

@ Debra: You are so right. I was told before I started to transition not to have any expectations when I told people. My therapist said that people who *really* know me would be "shocked, but not surprised."

For the most part, people have been wonderfully supportive, but there are a few who are struggling. I've come to accept that this isn't really about me, but their own fears.

It makes me sad, but all I can do is be myself. For the first time in my life, I *like* myself. A lot. And I'm excited about the future, and what it holds for me. I never knew life could be like this. I hope I can share that journey with all of my friends… but I can't control that.

Thank you for the reminder, Debra. :c)


@ Stace: Thank you, sweetie! I was smiling too when she told me. :c)

L is the best. I have been fortunate to have a number of terrific bosses, but she is tops. I consider her a true friend, and I hope she feels the same.

And yes, she has quite the evil streak. :c) During her last visit, she brought along one of the writers from her office. I took them out to dinner at a terrific little restaurant literally steps from my apartment.

When we were leaving, the other writer, J, went out first. L and I then both reached for the door simultaneously, and then I gestured for L to exit first.

As we reached J, L turned to me and said, "You know, y'all are gonna have to get used to folks doing that for you."

I began to blush (of course), and J asked "What's so funny?"

L just smiled and said, "Private joke."

I will, of course, get her back. I have an evil streak too, you see. :c)

Thank you again, Stace! Off for a walk here with Muse on the iPod. Barely a month 'til I see them. Yea!!!!

Major hugs to all y'all (as L would say)!
Cass :c)

Cassidy on March 10, 2013 at 1:33 PM said...

Meant to say that I can share it with my friends and family, not just friends. I'm working on that at this very moment, in fact. Stay tuned...

Stace on March 10, 2013 at 3:15 PM said...

I struggle with the doors.... I use the excuse that I'm still far too English - and so polite - even after 14 years in the Netherlands to not allow others through first :)

But, yes, I get the same comments :)

Stace

Cassidy on March 10, 2013 at 5:06 PM said...

Perhaps it's my Irish heritage then? I guess we're birds of a feather then! ;c)

God help us if we ever meet; Stace; we'll be stuck at the door apologizing to each other until the cows come home! lol

== Cass

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