A Happier Post :c)

Monday, July 22, 2013

Hi again, everyone. :c)

It's 3:45 AM on Monday, and I cannot fall asleep, much as I wish I could.

My job is quite stressful, as you have no doubt gathered.

This week will be no different.

In fact, I suspect that in about five hours I will be explaining yet again to the upper mucky-mucks at work how I let them down by not being able to simultaneously handle three full-time jobs at once.

And I will do so by myself, yet again.

(My manager L, whom I adore, is on a well-deserved biking vacation this week. Put on that sunscreen, L!!!)

As for my personal life... well, that has also been challenging at times the past few months.

Please forgive the sarcasm and cynicism.

It has been a trying stretch, and I am tired.

But I am also a happy, optimistic gal at heart. :c)

(Stop laughing, April!)

And to demonstrate this, here is a brief, upbeat post for your Monday morning!

After going out in public as myself for the first time two weeks ago, it has now become routine.

I go out every chance I get, even if it is simply to buy gas or go food shopping.

It feels totally normal to me.

Saturday, though, was the first time my therapist, M, got to meet me fully dressed as myself.

I drove down to Providence, where her office is, early that morning, to avoid the Cape Cod traffic.

I went to a nearby Starbucks that I frequent for breakfast when I have my sessions with her.

No one gave me so much as a second glance.

Not even the baristas who have served me the past two years when I visited in boy mode.

It was fun. :c)

At the appropriate time, fully caffeinated, I walked the five minutes back to M's office.

Hearing her greeting of "Well hello there, Cass!", accompanied by a huge smile as she saw me in her waiting room, is a memory that makes me way happy, even in my current sleep-deprived state. :c)

I got her up to speed on the goings-on of the past few weeks, one major piece of which I promise I will write about as soon as I can. (It is good news - honest!)

As I prepared to take my leave, she asked me what my plans were for the evening.

"I'm meeting S and B [my friends and co-workers] for dinner at a restaurant in [the city in which I was born]."

"Are you going as yourself?" she asked.

I shook my head, and explained that it was not the safest area for any woman, let alone a transgendered one, to be after dark. I also mentioned that I have had more than my share of difficulties there growing up.

She said she understood, and told me how proud she was of me.

"I'll say it again, Cass; you are on a rocket ship! Congratulations!"

Have I mentioned how much I like my therapist? :c)


I drove back up to the Boston area and went to the gym for a much-needed workout.

I am on vacation starting Friday. One thing I am determined to do is get some rest and begin to re-establish an exercise routine so I can once and for all shed the weight I put on from taking steroids following the hit-and-run incident.

After the workout, I went home to unwind a bit, take a shower, and get ready to drive over to meet S and B.

I idly flipped open my iPhone and finally thought to take a look at some shots I snapped of myself at Starbucks earlier that day.

Here they are:

As soon as I saw them, I had a realization.

"You know what, Cass?" I thought. "[City] is my city too. The idiots who made my life hell there, and still do, don't get to decide where and when I'm myself."

So after I took my shower, I sent a text message to S.

"Just a heads-up; Cass is on the way. [My boy name] has the night off."



Dinner was great.

We had a lot of fun, as we always do. Even though, alas, RW was not able to join us. (She promised she will be there next time. See, RW? Now your public will be demanding it! lol)

B was nice enough to take a few shots of me as we prepared to leave. Here is one I like:

It's too dark to see, but I have my hair back with barrettes. S pronounced the result "very cute." :c)

Saturday is far more representative of my days now than Sunday, when I was treated shabbily by my brother and sister-in-law.

This is what I have to look forward to: dinner with dear friends, as myself, without worrying what people think of me.

Life is good. :D

Have a good Monday, everyone!


Here's a Monday song from the mighty Wilco to clear the ol' synapses. :c)

That's circa 1996, when Being There was released. Here's a more recent version (2011, I think) from their excellent documentary, Ashes of American Flags - complete with horn section!

God, I love Wilco!


Faline on July 22, 2013 at 10:25 AM said...

Very happy to see how comfortable you're getting in your own skin. At first there's a little trepidation, then when you realize that maybe this wasn't the huge deal you once thought it was, it quickly becomes normal. So, congratulations on your new normal! And keep that big smile on your face; by far the best part of any outfit.

Jenna on July 22, 2013 at 2:26 PM said...

Nice to see you so upbeat after the last post.
You look really happy in the pictures.

Exercise and rest. Interesting combination :-)
I did wonder if you were either staying up late or couldn't sleep when I saw the time of your last post and especially when you replied to my comment. It was gone 6am here in the UK. For the first time we were almost chatting in real time :-)

Cassidy on July 22, 2013 at 7:30 PM said...

@ Jenna: Exercise & rest is, indeed, a potent one-two! :-)

Due to factors beyond my control, nearly all related to work, I haven't been able to exercise anywhere close to my typical schedule (4-6 times a week) for nearly 18 months.

It is SO awful!!! My manager and I plan to speak with the upper mucky-mucks about this when we return from our respective vacations.

As for my mood... well, I am afraid I had a bit of a meltdown when I got out of bed this morning. :c(

I didn't sleep a bit, I had a headache, and I felt woozy. When I then spilled my coffee all over the counter... well, I am afraid I lost it. :c( I cried uncontrollably for nearly 10 minutes.

I wound up taking a sick day, which was the right thing to do. It was cumulative, I suspect; it has been a draining stretch, physically and emotionally. Happily, I feel much, much better now. One of the great things about being a girl is that no matter how sad I feel, it goes away quickly! :D

So overall, those pictures pretty much reflect how I feel. Just make the bags under my eyes a LOT bigger. lol

Thank you for the sweet thoughts, hon!


Cassidy on July 22, 2013 at 7:43 PM said...

@ Faline:

Lovely to hear from you as always, sweetie! I hope you are well!

I remember one of our very first conversations, lo those many years ago. (OK, it was actually less than two. lol)

You assured me that if I was diligent and worked hard on every aspect of my transition, I would reach the point where I would wonder what I thought the fuss was about for all those years. Once again, I have learned how smart we girls are! :D

I still cannot believe how perfectly normal it feels to be out and about as myself. It is only when I catch a glimpse of a woman reflected in a window or mirror that I suddenly remember:

Oh, right - she is ME!

As it turns out, "normal" equals "pretty darned wonderful." Who knew? :D

Thank you so much for the compliment about my smile! :#) Several people have made similar comments recently, which leads me to think I need to leave my dentist a BIG tip after my next cleaning! She must be doing *something* right! lol

Thank you again, Miss F! And not to pressure you, but your public anxiously awaits your next missive. :c)

Have a wonderful week, hon, and thank you again for... well, for being you!

Mega hugs,

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