The Plan Keeps Coming Back Again… (Part 1)

Ever seen the movie Hot Shots? It's sort of an Airplane!-style takeoff on war movies. There's a character in it called Dead Meat, who is the All-American guy who always buys it in those war flicks the movie parodies so well.

As he's climbing into his fighter jet before a routine test mission, he's telling his wife about all of the astounding discoveries he's made: a cure for the common cold, who really shot JFK, and on and on. Each time his wife asks him to explain, and each time he says "plenty of time for that! I'll tell all as soon as I get back from this totally routine test flight, honey!"  And of course, disaster ensues - hilariously.

Well, that sort of sums up my last weekend. :c)

In my case, the goal was simple. I was going to spend a few days staying with my parents in my hometown. The ostensible purpose was to see Gillian Welch & Dave Rawlings on Thursday night and The Civil Wars on Friday night. But my main goal was to tell my family that I was trans. I'd planned to do so a few weekends ago, but my father's stomach problems chose that weekend to make their presence felt, so I put it off until last weekend. I'd be there for four days; plenty of time for that! What could possibly go wrong?

Thursday, 12:00 PM

The scene: I'm sitting in the parking lot behind the wheel of my car, idly eying the partly cloudy skies above. Just to be safe, I quickly check the forecast: intermittent showers. I then check the traffic report: clear sailing the entire way. My trip ETA: 1:15 PM. Plenty of time to sit down for a heart to heart with my folks before heading out for a magical evening of music with Gill and Dave. Should be smoooottthhh sailing all the way...

Thursday, 5:15 PM

The scene: I'm standing in the hallway at my parents house, wringing out my drenched Gore-Tex jacket. My mother stands nearby, holding my iPhone.

***

Mom: So you really spent three and a half hours on the Expressway?

Me (emptying approximately three inches of rain from my left sneaker): I did. But it will be worth it tonight when I get to the show.

Mom (looking down): Uh… was it Gillian Welch you were seeing tonight?

Me: "Was"? Why "was"?

Mom: It says here that she has laryngitis and tonight's show is canceled.

Me: #$%!*

Mom: That's not nice.

(The door opens. My father enters.)

Dad:  Shouldn't you be on your way to your show?

Me: #$%!*

Dad: What?

Mom: The show was canceled.

Dad: Hmm. (momentary pause) Did you close your car windows before you came in? It's raining out, you know.

Me: #$%!*

Dad: Hey, don't blame me. I didn't make it rain.

Mom: Well, this will be nice! Your sister is working, so it's just the three of us! (The phone rings.) Let me get that and see what I have for dinner. (heads off to kitchen)

Dad: Too bad about the show. Oh well. We can always watch TV.

Me Or we could just talk.

Dad: I think there starting a Kojak marathon tonight.

Me: Right. Or we could just talk.

Dad: I think they're showing the first season.

(The doorbell rings.)

Dad (opening the door): Now who the hell is that? It's pouring out, for Christ's sake.

(It's K, our next door neighbor and her six-month old daughter C, huddled under an umbrella. My mother brushes past my father and I.)

Mom (in baby voice): Well, HELLO, Missy C! And how are you?

Dad (confused): Hi, K. (brightening) And hello, princess! 

K (apologetic): I'm so sorry. Our babysitter just canceled, and I didn't know who else to call…

Mom: Nonsense! We're always happy to spend time with our favorite little neighbor!

K: We aren't interrupting anything, are we?

Mom: Not at all! I think there's a Mannix marathon on tonight.

Dad: That's next week. This is Kojak week.

Mom: He's the bald one, right?

Dad: Right. (to C) Just like this little angel!

C: (massive burp)

Mom: See if she wants to go to L.

(I hold out my arms. C reaches for me.)

K and my Mom (simultaneously): Aww!

C: (throws up on my shirt)

Dad: Well, looks like someone had peas for lunch!

C: (gurgles happily)

K: Well, I should be on my way. Thank you *so* much! Bye honey! Be good! (kisses C on the head)

Dad: Let me see if I have a shirt you can wear, L. (heads upstairs)

Mom: I'll go get a facecloth to clean off Missy-Miss here! (heads off to kitchen)

(C and I stand alone by the door.)

Me: Hey, C. Want to know a secret?

C: (smiles and laughs)

Postscript: C is an absolute sweetheart. And I say that even though she vomited on both my Gillian Welch *and* Dave Rawlings Machine tour shirts. 

***

Here's a taste of what I missed that night: