Heaven Help Us All

I am emotionally drained at the moment, so I will apologize in advance if the tone of this post is somewhat skewed. But I need to write it before I can go to sleep.

I finally met with my parents today, about the events I've discussed in my recent posts. I may or may not go further into them at another time, but for now I will just cover the basics.

It was stormy, it was ugly, and it was raw.

It was, in short, everything I predicted would happen.

It finally ended with what must suffice for now as an "acceptable" outcome - and, most important, with my integrity and dignity intact.

More below the fold.

(Don't be afraid - it isn't *all* doom and gloom… just most of it. :-))




Here is how the discussion went:

They blamed everything on me.

• I simply announced my decision and allowed them no input.
• I made no attempt to offer any help for them to understand it.
• I have not kept them informed about transition since telling them.
• I have not allowed them to be part of my transition.

In short, they took everything they have and have not done for the past six months - and most of my life, in fact, which I also brought up - and told me I did that to them, and that I was responsible.

They accepted not one iota of responsibility for anything.

They denied that I offered them the opportunity to meet with my therapist in any configuration they wanted, as many times as they wanted.

They denied I offered them several books to read - books which remain in my sister's bedroom there to this day.

And they denied I offered to answer any questions I had at any time. In fact, my mother told me I was lying when I told her what she replied ("I've seen enough about this on TV.")

They repeatedly used my boy name, until I finally blew up. Then they told me "this is all new to us," and "we need time to get used to it," and that I haven't given any thought to how this impacts anyone other than myself.

I refused to back down. I knew they were not, and are not, ever going to admit they could possibly be wrong, or that they could have acted differently. But I was determined I was going to say my piece and call them each and every time they said something that simply was not true. I did that for my sake, not theirs.

Am I perfect? Far from it. In fact, I apologized several times as we spoke - because that is what people are supposed to do when they make a mistake.

They did not show me the same courtesy.

Nor did I expect they would.

In the end, oddly enough, it ended with the faintest glimmer of hope.

By mutual consent, we agreed it is best for everyone if I not come to my brother's Christmas Eve party or to Christmas dinner at their house.

Instead, I will spend both days with friends.

I do not want to ruin the day for my sister, nephew, nieces, and the handful of other relatives who spend the day at my parents' house.

Nor would I spend it walking on eggshells amongst people who do not understand, or, worse, who do not "approve" of my choice (as they have put it).

But much more more importantly, I deserve to spend my first Christmas as myself celebrating amongst people who accept me for me.

The loser in that equation, clearly, is not me.

Again by mutual consent, I am going to visit my parents on Thursday night, just the three of us, to exchange gifts.

(In fact, things had calmed down enough by the time I was leaving that I jokingly told my father I will give him his gift - "or as I call, it "Mom and Aunt M <her twin sister>'s Christmas gift.")

(He smiled and made a gesture saying, in essence, "touché," since for  the past three years running he has, indeed, given them the gifts my sister and I went in on together for him.)

(For the record, they were, in order: a)  a weekend at their favorite hotel in Maine; b) a gift certificate for dinner at a four-star restaurant they both love; and c) a limousine, dinner in the North End of Boston, and tickets to see Tony Bennett in Boston on Valentines Day last year.)

His reply: "Well, at least I got your aunt M out of  Uncle A's hair for one night" - a reference to the fact that he and my aunt have a longstanding faux-antagonistic relationship.)

Under the circumstances, that is the best that is possible. It isn't much, but for now, it will have to do.

***

One additional point, to end on a positive note.

I will give them credit for one thing. In fact, I did so as I spoke with them.

Not once have they ever attempted to tell me I am wrong, or that I am doing the wrong thing.

They both agreed that I am doing this because I have to, and that it is not simply a flight of fancy. They don't understand (because they haven't tried to, protests to the contrary), but they at least had the courtesy to acknowledge I am doing what I must.

It it also telling, in that it represents the only instance in which they showed me respect. And in the end, that is what this comes down to: respect.

I respected them enough to tell them what I was doing and why, even when they made it about themselves.

And I respected them today, by going to their home, by myself, to face them and explain how I feel and why.

And I was able to do so because now I respect myself. I spent the hardest two and a half years of my life learning to accept who I am.

I did so by looking at the very things about myself that most frightened me and left me filled with self-loathing and self-hatred. And I kept looking at them and talking about them until I understood them and made my peace with them.

I am enormously proud of what I have accomplished the past two-plus years, with the aid of my sister and nephew, my friends, my therapist, my doctor, my electrologist, and more. The respect and dignity with which they treat me has helped immeasurably. I am forever in their debt.

All of this is why I stood up for myself tonight, and have been for the past six-plus months.

I know who I am.

I like who I am.

I cannot wait to see how I continue to change and grow.

I know there will be challenges and heartache and tears.

But there will also be the opportunity for happiness and joy and laughter.

I earned that opportunity. And that is all I could ask for:

A change to live my life authentically, as me.

And now I am doing just that.

I cannot think of a better gift.

***

I want to end with a few upbeat Christmas and Christmas-related songs.

Christmas is one of my favorite times of year, and nothing that has happened this year will change that.

In fact, when I look back on this Christmas, I am willing to bet I will focus on those who made it a joyous occasion, not those who were unable to recognize that.

So in that spirit, have a listen. :c)

First, a *great* Stevie Wonder song that isn't really a Christmas song, but certainly has an appropriate message for the season.

The man is a force of nature. :c)

Next up, a beautiful Christmas song from The Pretenders, released in 1983:

Still give me goosebumps every time I hear it. :c)

Finally, the song that to me best captures the true meaning of Christmas, courtesy of those great Canadian philosophers Bob and Doug McKenzie:

"It's up there with Stairway to Heaven" indeed... :c)