Musings: The Difference

I haven't published anything for a bit, so I thought I'd put this out there. I've been doing well overall. Like everyone, I have good days and not-so-good days, but basically I'm doing OK. 

I'm currently staying with a friend, as I believe I've mentioned previously. He's out of town for a bit, so I've been staying by myself for the past week. That was one of the things that got me into trouble earlier this year; I was far too isolated. I'm making sure that on the days when I don't have a scheduled session that I get out and about. I learned the hard way that being alone too often is a bad idea. 

I try to get out for a walk several times a day. I'm dealing with an issue with my knees that limits how much I can exercise, so I'm careful not to overdo it. My three hour plus walks are a thing of the past, according to my doctor, but it's still important to get out there for both my physical and mental health. And so I do.

One thing I've noticed the past few months is that I'm getting better about advocating for myself. I was extremely withdrawn, often not seeing or speaking another person for days at a time. I was very fortunate I found the strength deep down to ask for help when I reached the tipping point. As I move forward I do my best to make that a habit.

Recently I had an issue with one of my prescriptions, one that I really need. There was an issue on my health care provider's side that resulted in that prescription running out. I reached out several times to request a refill, as did my pharmacy, but we weren't getting any response. Over a week had passed; much too long to be without this prescription.

I had an appointment scheduled to figure out what was going on with my knees, so I drove back to the Boston area the day before. I was staying at my mother's condo, and as I was leaving I told her that I was not going to leave the doctor's office until I got that prescription sorted out.

And I did. As soon my doctor arrived, I asked that we get the prescription issue resolved. Basically there was a mixup on their side, which she was able to correct after a few minutes and submit the order to my pharmacy. I picked it up an hour later on my way back to my mother's.

This might seem like a small thing, but for me, at this time, it represents significant progress. I still struggle at times with anxiety over seemingly trivial matters, but bit by bit I'm able to do what's needed. Each time makes the next time easier. I've come a long way from where I was three months ago, and I'm determined to keep moving forward.

So, not my most eloquent or exciting post lol, but I want to keep writing regularly, so here we are. Hope you're enjoying the weekend; more to come soon!

 ***

I heard this song on the radio recently, which inspired me to write this post. I've always been a big fan of the Wallflowers, Jakob Dylan's band. Their breakthrough album was the classic Bringing Down the Horse, from 1996(!). The first two singles were "Sixth Avenue Heartache" (great song) and "One Headlight." The third was "The Difference."

As a bonus, here's my favorite Wallflowers song, "Three Marlenas." It's about a single woman (or possibly three different women - the lyrics are open to interpretation) presenting different faces to the world as she/they struggle to navigate multiple challenges. Jakob Dylan doesn't rate this song very highly for some reason, but I still find it haunting all these years later.

And one more, added just after I'd initially published this. I was listening to the album for the first time in quite a while just now and heard this great track - "God Don't Make Lonely Girls." Can't believe I'd almost forgotten this one!

That will do it for now; see you soon!

Auntie B, Fred Lynn, Carl Yastrzemski, & Me

I promised I would have something much less intense - and more uplifting - than the most recent group of posts, and here it is. 🙂

Two defining traits of anyone who transitions are determination and perseverance. It was my good fortune to learn that these traits ran in my family and that, I, too, could learn them for myself. This is the story of my Aunt B, a hot summer, lessons in math and life, the Boston Red Sox, and hot fudge sundaes - not necessarily in that order. 🙂 Follow along below the fold.

Read more »

The Chronicles of Cass: When It Began, Pt. 3

This is part 3 of a three part series. You can find Part 1 and Part 2 at their respective links.

Read more »

The Chronicles of Cass: When It Began, Pt. 2

This is part 2 of a three part series. You can find Part 1 and Part 3 at their respective links.

Read more »

The Chronicles of Cass: When It Began, Pt. 1

This is part 1 of a three part series. You can find Part 2 and Part 3 at their respective links.

Read more »

The Chronicles of Cass: When It Began - Introduction

This is a post I've needed to write... well, since I started this blog. Since I started my transition, really. A few months after I started Cassidy's Quest, with the encouragement of my therapist M and, particularly, my friend Kelli (of The Good, The Bad, The Blonde - hello, Miss K, if you're still out there in the blogosphere and ever come across this) I began writing what turned into a series of posts that I eventually grouped together as The Chronicles of Cass. 

They were, for all intents and purposes, my autobiography.  

But there was one very important chapter of my life that remained undocumented this entire time.

The beginning.

I wouldn't - or, more accurately, couldn't - allow myself to go back there.

Why?

I realized upon reflection that the other posts in The Chronicles of Cass series weren't writing for me; they were exorcisms. I had never shared any hint of the stories they tell with anyone - not once, not ever. 

My therapist, M, told me more than once that she could not fathom how I was able to hold them, and the attendant emotions, inside all those years. My friend F, who likely knows me better than anyone (and who is himself a therapist), has told me the same thing. 

I did not cry from the age of 12 until I was in my mid-thirties. During those years, I can now see that I was completely shut down emotionally. It began, in retrospect, as a matter of survival: I shut out the "bad" feelings because, as you will see, I had no way to adequately process them. The problem with that, of course, is you can't eliminate only one type of emotion; you wind up shutting down *all* emotions. 

These posts, then, are my attempt to finally address the time in my life when I came to realize that not only was I different from everyone I knew, in ways I couldn't possibly understand, let alone change, but that I would pay a heavy price because of those differences... but eventually gain so much more. 

This is the story of how it all began, split into three parts:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Thank you in advance for reading these.

Vignettes: Roll Me Away

 

I bid farewell to my RAV4, my vehicle of the last 28 years, earlier this morning.

It was a 1999 Toyota RAV4. I purchased it in late November 1998, and picked it up two days before Thanksgiving. This was my first - well, really, only - major purchase after earning my technical writing certificate three years previously. 

Before that I had driven a series of used cars kindly passed down to me by several relatives. For a reminiscence about my favorite, and one memorable afternoon when my friends T & B decided to make some, er, "improvements," read on.

Read more »