Musings: Lost and Found

 

The photo above is the first selfie I've taken in several years - probably close to five years, now that I think about it. I took it late last week, apparently having decided to forego makeup (and a comb, for that matter 😆), while also wearing a top that is at one size too big for me at the moment. (The clothes are courtesy of my sister C, who told me my previous wardrobe of white t-shirt and leggings - or "that depressing s***", as she referred to it) "had to go - all of it. And so it did.) 

This is pretty much how I look most days, although I happily do wear makeup at least a few days a week. I'm fine without it, but I remember what my sister C says: the days she wears makeup she does it for herself, because it makes her feel good on those days. I'm inclined to follow that way of thinking a lot more often moving forward.

I wasn't feeling very good about myself for a long time, but that is no longer the case, thankfully. I'm still a bit undernourished, the result of barely eating one meal a day, if that, for several months. I'm getting there, though, and enjoying the occasional guilt-free large maple walnut ice cream from Herrell's, an amazing ice cream chain here in Massachusetts. Best ice cream I've ever had. Yum... 🍦

So, I'm grateful to be here and able to write this post, and equally grateful to be slowly rebuilding my life. I did not think I would be here barely five weeks ago, and I am taking things one day at a time. But for the first time in a long while I feel hopeful.

I'm in the process of transcribing what will eventually be several lengthy posts. I needed to write this for a long, long time - and I do mean long. For whatever reason, the trauma I recently went through opened the floodgates. I don't question why the muse appears; I simply thank her and take advantage of the opportunity. I think finishing this once and for all will allow me to tackle other topics that have long been on the creative back burner. Looking forward to seeing what comes out of this. Hope you'll stick around too.

***

I was listening to The Kinks when I took this, and have been listening to them obsessively for quite a bit lately, as I do every year for several weeks at a time. They're one of my favorite bands, and Ray Davies is one of my favorite songwriters. Two songs in particular have been running though my head. 

First up is "State of Confusion," from their 1983 album of the same name. It's a song about modern day life, but the line that resonates with me at the moment is "I'm alive and that can't be bad." True, that. 🙂

The second song is "Lost and Found," a lovely track from their 1986 album Think Visual, an unfairly overlooked album in their catalogue. It's written about a couple in New York City during Hurricane Gloria in 1985 who are enduring two storms, one via Mother Nature and the other of a personal nature. The song ends on a hopeful note, as only Ray can provide:

We were lost and found/And we beat the fear/We came through the storm/Now it all seems clear/We were lost and found/Standing here looking at the new frontier.

Amen to that. See you next time...

Musings: My Protector

A recent post consisted of the result of a recent writing exercise in which I took part. The exercise was to write a letter of compassion/like/love to yourself. I did something a bit different and wrote a letter from pre-transition me to myself, Cassidy. I decided that turnabout is fair play, as the saying goes, so this is a brief letter from myself, Cassidy, to pre-transition me. Follow along below the jump.

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Of Ghosts, Posts, Baristas, and Crossing the Finish Line

Yes, a second post today. I wasn't planning on writing this one, but I wanted to commemorate a moment that's been 15 years in the making... and a conversation with a barista who went above and beyond.

First, I want to acknowledge a huge debt of gratitude to three people without whom this moment would not have occurred. I don't think I could have written it without their love and support, even when I wasn't really offering much progress in return. Words hardly seems sufficient... but, here is a huge thank you. ❤️

This moment commemorates the completion of a blog post I've been working on for the past three weeks. It's all done, minus a few minor gaps that need to be dashed off, probably in an hour or two of writing. It's the final piece of the autobiographical series of posts I called The Chronicles of Cass. 

I wrote nearly 25 pages on Saturday, and over 40 pages today (all by hand - that was how I wrote the entire post, ~ 100 pages total). I was determined, once I started, that I was going to finish this once and for all, and do it today. And I did. 

I wrote it all in one five hour session at a Starbucks down the street from my friend F, where I'm staying for the moment. I only stopped once, when one of the baristas came over and quietly put a fresh iced coffee on my table. I hadn't touched the one I'd purchased three-plus hours before. I thanked her and offered to pay, but she shook her head.

"Whatever you're working on must be pretty intense," she said, adding, "It's none of my business, of course."

"It''s OK," I told her. "It is intense. It's for my blog. It's something I should've written a long time ago."

"It must be important. You like you've seen a ghost, to be honest," she said.

I had to laugh a bit.

"I guess I have," I said. "I'll probably write a post about this conversation, if that's OK with you."

It was. 🙂 So, one more thank you to C, the friendly barista who knew just what I needed at that moment.

I plan to start typing up this massive post tonight... if I don't fall asleep first. Ghosts can have that effect on you, I guess, especially once you're ready to bid them adieu.

***

A few songs about spirits to round up this post. First, a lovely song from The Psychedelic Furs, from their classic Mirror Moves album - "The Ghost In You":

Robyn Hitchcock, a personal favorite of yours truly, does a terrific cover:

Speaking of personal favorites, here's one from the Indigo Girls. This is a song from Rites of Passage, called "Ghost." 

That does it for this one. Until next time, then...

Musings: It's All About Community

This is an older post I drafted some time ago that for some reason has never been  published.

Until now. 🙂

It's sort of a placeholder while I work on something really big (see below). Meanwhile, I thought this was interesting enough (I hope) to share. So, follow along below after the jump.

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Vignettes: The Nerf Ball Conventions

So, I've been writing furiously since I began to emerge from the dark period I referenced previously. I have quite a backlog of topics I want - need, in some instances - to write about, just for myself, as I'm making up for lost time, 

This isn't one of those posts... but it is about those posts. 🙂

Curious? Follow along below.

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Musings: My Letter To Me

As promised/threatened in the initial post of Cassidy's Quest: The Reboot, I'm going to make an effort to write on a regular basis again. This is a short one, the result of a recent writing exercise in which I took part. The assignment: write a letter of compassion/like/love to yourself. I decided to do something a bit different and write a letter from pre-transition me to myself, Cassidy. Here's what he/I had to say. 🙂

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No Better Than This

This is apropos of nothing I've been writing about, but these assorted clips are as good as it gets. 

First up are Marty Stuart and his incredible band tearing it up on Letterman back in 2011. (The guitarist in the cowboy hat is Kenny Vaughan, btw.) I've watched this seven times in a row tonight. You will not see a better performance than this. Enjoy!

This is a much quieter song and performance, but equally intense in its own way. Kim Richey has one of the most beautiful voices I've ever heard and is a superb songwriter to boot. This is my favorite song of hers, from back in 1999. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Next, an insanely catchy number from Utopia, led by the brilliant Todd Rundgren. Check out those amazing live harmonies. You won't be able to get this song out of your head, but it's so good you won't mind.

Utopia made a charming, ultra-low budget video for this back in 1982. I love their warped sense of humor.

Finally, the title track (and title of this post) from John Mellencamp's terrific 2010 album:

That is all, folks. We will resume our normal programming in a few more days. 🙂