Be Not So Fearful

A friend told me that transitioning would simultaneously be both the hardest thing *and* the best thing I have ever done.

That has proven to be true. I have no regrets whatsoever (other than waiting so long), in spite of the tumult of the past year.

Even with that in mind, some weeks are more trying than others.

Last week was one of those weeks.

It was a combination of things, not all of which were transition-related.

But the end result was one of the more frightening experiences of my life.

And an epiphany.

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Worn Out

My apologies in advance for this post, as I fear it's going to come off as more than a bit self-pitying. There are many people who have it far worse than I do, but I need to start to get these thoughts out of my head somehow.

I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I was sick for three days at the end of last week, the latest in a seemingly endless stretch of feeling poorly.

As a result, I had to work all weekend (a long weekend here in the States) to catch up, since I have, yes, ANOTHER deadline on Friday. This week will be incredibly stressful yet again.

Several people have noted that I seem particularly frazzled the past few weeks, and that is how I feel. I've just felt stretched too thin for too long, with no time to learn to be me, let alone relax.

I desperately need time to work on getting comfortable presenting as myself, but for the past year events have conspired to hinder this. I have precious little free time to practice makeup, dressing, and so on. Now I'm feeling anxious that I need to catch up, which is adding to my not-inconsiderable fear about taking those big steps.

I will get there.

NOTHING is going to stop me.

NOTHING.

But right now, I am, quite simply, tired.

I will try to write more about what I suspect is behind this, as well as some quite positive things that took place recently. In fact, those positive events frustrate me even more; I could literally SEE my future, and yet events keep preventing me from working towards making that future my reality.

Apologies again for being a downer.

***

Here is a beautiful song from British folksinger Bill Fay. In 2012 he released Life Is People, his first new album since 1971, which proved that his gifts have not diminished one bit. Here is his stunning re-invention of Wilco's "Jesus Etc." I assure you this will induce goosebumps: