Musings: It's All About Community

This is an older post I drafted some time ago that for some reason has never been  published.

Until now. 🙂

It's sort of a placeholder while I work on something really big (see below). Meanwhile, I thought this was interesting enough (I hope) to share. So, follow along below after the jump.

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As I Was Saying…

<Tap tap > Hello? Is this thing on?

Well howdy there, Internet people (to quote Belle of the Ranch, one of my favorite YouTubers). Where the hell have you all been?

Just kidding. 🙂 I cannot believe my last post was nearly five years ago. So much has happened, both not-so-good and good, that I scarcely know where to begin. This post, then, is simply to get the ball rolling.

I have a long list of future posts, the result of a furious two weeks of writing (so far, with more on the way) to begin to make up for five years of radio silence. I have a particular order in which I want to publish them, but inspiration struck regarding these topics, and I've learned to obey the muse when she appears.

I'll preface by emphasizing up front that I'm okay after emerging from the darkest period of my life. That will be subject of my next post, but I wanted to be clear: I'm safe, and am taking steps to address long-standing issues in my life once and for all. I have a long way to go, but I'm determined to confront and deal with them once and for all. I'm off to a very good start, thanks to the help of my sister, my nephew, my mother, and my amazing friends. I would also like to thank the doctors, nurses, and emergency personnel who demonstrated heroic levels of care and lent a sympathetic, non-judgemental ear when that was what was called for. I would not be here without them. I can never truly repay them for their kindness. Love you all, and I'll do my level best to be the person you make me want to be.

***

If you or a loved one needs help, the Suicide and Crisis Hotline is available 24/7 here in the US by calling or texting 988. You can also visit the Samaritans 24/7 Helpline at samaritanshope.org. You are not alone.

***

I don't have any decent, semi-recent selfies to share, but I have something better: my sister's pup Cooper. Here he is giving her the side-eye for not showering him with what he deems is a sufficient number of treats:

And here he is post-treat chow-down. As you can see, you always know what he's thinking, good or bad 🙂:

***

Some things never change, including me ending with several (hopefully) appropriate songs to wrap things up, starting with Julie Miller's lovely "By Way of Sorrow":

Next up is Victoria Williams with "You Are Loved":

One from The Kinks, one of my favorite bands, with "State of Confusion":

And last but not least, one from the soundtrack to Before Sunrise, one of my all-time favorite movies - Kathy McCarty's lovely cover of Daniel Johnston's "Living Life":

Stay tuned for more posts in the very near future. Just gotta type them all up (I wrote them all by hand). Watch this space!

Alone In The Dark

It's 3:41 AM on Sunday morning as I write this. I gave up trying to sleep several hours ago. I spent nearly two hours working on a post to summarize how I am feeling right now.

But I just read it, and it does not come remotely close to getting across how low I feel. As I usually do, I try to distance myself from how I feel through the words I use.

Well, I can't do that. Not this time.

I don't think I can get across the intensity of the pain I feel now. But I need to try.

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My LBD

It's been an awful week, the latest in a string of them. There are various reasons, which I may go into at some point. But for now, suffice it to say that I have been feeling as low as I have felt in a long, long time.

I was meeting a friend for dinner tonight, and at the last possible second I noticed this dress in my closet and decided to try it on.

I'd bought it a year ago, but frankly I was too fat to wear it, thanks to the Biblical run of calamities the past two-plus years. But after three months of intensive running it fits... well, better than it did. (But not as well as it is going to fit with another three-six months of running.)

I was glad I tried it on. I still don't feel great, but I forced myself to go out and get relatively dressed up to do so. Just like I've forced myself to keep running during this tough stretch. More on that in another post.

Anyway, a few shots of my first Little Black Dress. And also my messy living room, provided at no additional cost to you, the reader.

Hope everyone has a good weekend...

***

A favorite song from one of my favorite bands.

Apologies For The Radio Silence...

I know I have been pretty quiet lately. I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout around the holidays with my family, as well as more stress at work and some ongoing personal matters.

Quite honestly, it takes nearly all of my energy to get out of bed in the morning, and by the time I get home I am so drained I can barely stay awake. I know it's a combination of all of the stress from the matters I mentioned above, as well as everything that has happened the past two-plus years, and the time of year.

I have SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder - which is at its worst this time of year. Making matters worse, this has been a particularly brutal winter so far. With the exception of a few days last week, it has been much colder than normal here since the beginning of November. We have also had a stormy winter - we are barely a month into the official season, and we will likely surpass our annual average by the time tonight's storm (8-10 inches) is finished.

I know the SAD will go away, and hopefully eventually the lethargy, sadness, and exhaustion will as well. But right now I just need to do the best I can to cope with it all as best I can and hope the better days ahead get here sooner rather than later.

***

Some appropriate music for this post from Daniel Lanois, who hails from northern Ontario. This is from Acadie, his 1989 debut album. This gorgeous, haunting song is called "Ice":

This song is precisely how winter feels to me. Remarkable for an artist to capture something as ephermal as an entire season in a single song. But then, Daniel Lanois is a remarkable artist.

He produced or co-produced, among many others, U2's The Unforgettable Fire, Joshua Tree, and Achtung Baby, Peter Gabriel's So, Robbie Robertson's self-titled solo debut album, Bob Dylan's Oh Mercy and Time Out of Mind, the Neville Brothers' Yellow Moon, and Neil Young's La Noise. If you like any of those albums, you will like his solo albums. Guaranteed.

Getting Better

I've been very busy this week with a deadline at work, but I wanted to do a very quick post.

I'm slowly beginning to feel like myself again, thankfully. It's going to take a while, but hopefully the tide has turned.

The measures I'm taking to address my depression are beginning to take effect. I'm still exhausted, and am still dealing with insomnia - every night, unfortunately.

I could tell during my electrolysis last night that I am still very tired. It was a 90 minute session, focused on my upper lip and neck. Yuck. :c(

Near the end of the session, M paused for a moment and asked if this was more painful than usual. I admitted it was, and asked her why she asked.

"Because you've been wincing after every pulse for the past five minutes," she said. "You never complain (that was news to me! lol), but I can tell this is bothering you."

It was true. We have worked on these areas before, but this was by far one of the most painful sessions I have had. But as always, it was worth it. I am one session closer to being rid of these cursed follicles once and for all.

Anyway, I'm hopeful that the insomnia will ease in the next week or two. Getting my energy back will be an ongoing process, but I will get there.

I've already started to slowly increase my daily exercise regimen as best I can (taking into account the long hours I'm working this week), but I will work to ramp it up gradually.

More to come soon, I hope, but it will have to wait until we put a stake through the heart of this cursed project. It is going down hard, but we will wrestle it to submission by the end of this week. I hope. :c)

Have a good week everyone!

***

While I am a Beatles fanatic, I thought it would be fun to post Gomez's cover of this tune:

Really like their version. :c)

Finally (Plus... A Nice Moment)

Hi everyone. Hope you all had a nice Monday.

I apologize for the lack of posts in the past month. 

It has been a difficult period, the most difficult in what has been a challenging year.

I will write more about this in the days ahead. 

For now, I will simply say that I am taking steps to address the situation.

Follow below for a bit more. And for a hopeful coda as well. :c)

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Even When I'm Blue

Hello all! Hope everyone is doing well. :c)

I have been a bit scarce around these parts lately, I know. 

That is not due to a lack of things to discuss, however. 

Quite the contrary.

In my last post, I wrote that I had emerged from a period of feeling less than my best. 

As I learned since that post, that assessment was, in fact, a bit premature.

But I also learned that I am a far, far different person now than I was pre-transition.

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See A Little Light

Hello all!

Please accept my apologies for the lack of posts recently.

As I have mentioned, I try to be honest about how I am feeling.

And I was feeling poorly.

For a while.

Fortunately, though, I feel better now.

I seem to have hit bottom on Monday - well, really, early Tuesday morning.

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling as down as I have felt in a long, long time.

I suspect it was the culmination of what has been a challenging 18+ months, and a particularly challenging two months. What I was trying to convince myself was just exhaustion was something more serious, and all too familiar. However, there was one big difference this time:

I am myself now.

And that makes - and made - all the difference in the world.

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Struggle

I'm feeling worn out at the moment.

I haven't been sleeping well for several weeks, and it's finally caught up with me the past week or so.

It isn't anything I haven't dealt with before, nor is it something that is going to stop me.

But it's still been a difficult few weeks.

I tend to focus on the more humorous and light-hearted, as so many transitioning blogs can be, well, kind of a downer. :c) But it's important to also write when I'm feeling a bit blue myself.

I know there are a few people who read this blog, and maybe someone in the future will find something that is useful to them. And that's part of the reason why I write. The most important, and somewhat selfish, reason, is a) so I can figure out how I feel about certain things, as writing seems to be how I do that; and b) to help me remember how I was feeling during my transition.

So, with that said, time to dig in.

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