Tighten(ed) Up

Hi everyone. I want to say thank you to everyone checking in the past few weeks. It means a lot. It's been a long, mentally tiring stretch. 

My therapist helped quite a bit at our session last week. As she always does, she is able to help me look at the big picture. 

Quite honestly, she took me by surprise. I had assumed she would agree with my decision to move on. 

But she did not.

"I know why this hurt you so deeply, and why you feel such terrible sadness," she said.

"But this is where things are at this moment, Cass. Not forever; just for this moment. That's all." 

Her advice was to step back for a bit and give myself a chance to process everything. She helped me see that there has been a great deal of progress - but that it doesn't always occur in a straight line. People make mistakes, get scared, and sometimes don't know what to do. (She was also referring to me when she pointed these things out, needless to say.)

In any case, that is what I'm doing at the moment. Taking a break. Thinking a lot. And remembering why it is worth investing this much time and effort. Some things - some people - are worth it. 

Even when they drive you crazy. 

Maybe especially when they drive you crazy. :c)

***

The title of this post has nothing to do with the previous section. Unfortunately for me, it does have to do with a sore spot - specifically, my lower back. :-/

I had electrolysis last Tuesday after work, as I always do. We were working on my neck - always a great deal of fun, needless to say - and I wound up laying at a slightly uncomfortable angle for about 15-20 minutes. 

It didn't hurt; in fact, I felt fine when I finished the session. It wasn't until I stepped out of my car 20-25 minutes later that I realized my lower back was quite sore.

I never have back problems, fortunately. I'm grateful - and lucky. One of my legs is nearly a half-inche longer than the other, something I only found out a few years ago at a free chiropractic screening at my gym. 

The chiropractor was astounded that I've never had any back problems with such a discrepancy. She attributed it to being slender and exercising regularly to keep my core muscles strong.

In any case, I've had a stiff back since. It was much better by Friday, but still a bit sore. For once I didn't ignore it or try to do too much to soon. I went for several short walks (45 minutes) and one relatively long one (1 hr 45 min) Thursday through Saturday.

Today it felt well enough that I decided to try my first run in a week. If it started to feel even a bit off, I was going to stop.

Happily, it did not. I was able to run six miles, albeit at slightly less than my normal pace, and walk for another hour. Once my muscles loosened up in the chilly weather, my back felt fine. And it still does, five hours later.  Hopefully I'm back on track.

I took the photo above after returning home, btw. Even my hats don't really fit me any longer, oddly enough. I suppose there are worse problems...

Have a good week, everyone. And thank you again.

***

I chose a few songs that seemed to fit this post. Up first is a soul classic from Archie Bell & The Drells - 1968's "Tighten Up":

And here's a song from one of my all-time favorite bands - "She's Tight," from Cheap Trick's terrific 1982 album One on One:

And last but not least, here's The Who with "Slip Kid," from 1975's The Who By Numbers:

This is an underrated album, which is probably inevitable since it followed their two greatest albums, Who's Next (1971) and Quadrophenia (1973). But it's quite good on its own merits. John Entwistle drew the cover, incidentally...

Vignettes: Cass's (New) Glasses!

Apologies for the lack of activity hereabouts lately. Your humble blogstress has been quite busy. I have several posts in various stages of readiness, and will do my best to wrap them up and get 'em posted forthwith!

In the meantime, I thought I would share a few pics of my new glasses, which I picked up on Thursday, as well as a quick story about a nice moment afterwards. 

Follow along for more below the jump - but here's a sneak peek for the immediate gratification crowd. ;c)

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Calamity Cass: A Week For The Record Books...

Greetings and salutations from Medical Center, a/k/a my bedroom. It has been a week to remember in the annals of Calamity Cass. 

I have endured trauma - mostly, but not entirely, self-inflicted - to my upper body, lower body, and my head. As Kelli pointed out to me while we were chatting on Friday evening: "Damn girl, you don't do anything halfway, do you?" lol

Alas, she is correct, as always. :c) So follow along below the break for a summary of Cass's adventures in being a one-girl self-wrecking crew. :c)

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Pale, Blue Eyes

Hello all. Hope everyone is ready for the weekend. I know I am. I've been enduring my semi-annual bout with the flu since last Saturday. The bug that is going around now is a particularly nasty one. I basically slept all day from Saturday through early Tuesday afternoon (I missed two days of work). 

I was feeling well enough - or, alternately, was still not thinking clearly enough lol - to keep my electrolysis appointment on Tuesday evening. My electrologist snapped a quick photo of me in her waiting room: 

Yes, I really am that pale. :D Well, in this picture it's really just her doing a terrific job of capturing the late afternoon sunlight - and trying to do her best with her "model." lol

Incidentally, you can glimpse my (relatively) new teal and black dress - and my bra strap. :#) As April has told me, I guess I really am a shameless hussy!

And on that note, folks, I bid you all a pleasant Friday. Enjoy the weekend!!!

***

I've posted this before, but it's so good I'm doing it again: Alejandro Escovedo's moving cover of the Velvet Underground's "Pale Blue Eyes":

You say you need to induce goosebumps? Well, here you go:

How is this man not a household name, I ask you? Just an amazing artist. I could use different Alejandro Escovedo songs in my posts for the next year and not come close to exhausting his catalogue of great songs. He is a national treasure...

Musings: Face the Face

Hi kids! Hope everyone had a nice week, and is enjoying the weekend.

I am worn out from a long week. Not in a bad way… just busy. And also from my last two electrolysis sessions.

Well, they turned out be mostly laser sessions, actually, with a bit of electrolysis thrown in at the end.

Follow below the fold for details of my latest electrifying adventures.

(Get it? :D)

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Hurt

I returned from electrolysis several hours ago.

I walked into my apartment and sank onto the couch.

I am still there.

It hurt so much tonight.

I'm not sure why.

We worked around my lip, mostly the upper lip and the corners.

Needless to say, these areas are less than pleasant under the best of circumstances.

Tonight was not the best of circumstances.

While I hardly enjoy the process, electrolysis is usually tolerable, even when we work in these sensitive areas.

But tonight was agony.

And I do not use that word lightly.

I will usually chat with M, my electrologist, during my session, even when we work in these areas.

But it soon became apparent that this night was different.

For some reason, I was unusually sensitive to each pulse.

I soon lapsed into silence.

I tried to focus on the sound of the clock ticking.

It didn't help.

I told myself that each pulse was another closer to the last one for the evening.

That didn't help either.

M stopped at one point.

"Are you OK, Cass?" she asked.

I nodded.

"You're crying, hon," she said, her voice quiet.

"You have been for a few minutes."

I didn't realize it until she said so.

"It's pretty rough tonight, isn't it?" she said.

I nodded again.

"Do you want to stop, hon?"

I thought a moment, then shook my head.

"No, let's keep going," I said. "It will be worth it eventually."

I hope, I added silently.

"Good girl," she said, gently rubbing my shoulder.

I could hear the smile in her voice.

Finally, it was over.

I stirred as I sensed M moving the light away.

"Don't get up, Cass," she said, pressing on my arm. "Just lay there a bit."

Secretly, I was glad. I was utterly spent.

As she applied the rubbing alcohol, I started sneezing uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry, hon," she said. "This was a really hard night."

"But be proud. We're using nearly the highest setting, and in some very sensitive areas. And we went the full hour."

"We should film just a few minutes of one of your sessions," she mused. "Then you can show it to anyone transitioning is a lark."

"No one would go through this unless they had to."

***

A dear friend has said on several occasions that transitioning is hard because it should be hard.

It should not be undertaken on a whim.

It should require a serious commitment, in terms of time, energy, and effort.

And that commitment will, at times, require pain.

Both physical and emotional.

I have felt both - intensely - this past week.

I would be dishonest if I said I never doubt whether this will be worth it.

All I can do is my very best.

So I can, finally, be myself.

Even if it hurts.

***

I can count on one hand what I think are truly great music videos.

This, by far, is my top choice.

I am moved to tears each and every time I see this.

Johnny Cash, and his wife, June Carter Cash, filmed this in February 2003.

June, whose haunted expression as she looks at her husband has stayed with me ever since first viewing this video, died three months later, on May 15.

Her husband passed away shortly thereafter, on September 12.

Their courage, their commitment to their art, and, especially, their commitment to each other, resonates even a decade later.

They faced their pain.

And they transcended it.

Vignettes: Checked Out

This was an interesting day from start to finish. It started off with a yow... and ended with a wow. :c)

First, the yow.

(Actually, the yows.)

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Un-Alone

This is my 200th post.

I wanted to post something upbeat, but I also try to be honest about what is going on in my life when I write.

The past week has been very difficult.

But I got through it.

And how I got through it is a lesson in how far I have come since deciding to transition.

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Brows-Her

Here is the first of two posts I've held off on posting due to the events of the past week.

I was going to post about my dinner last Saturday with my friend M - the first time we had gotten together in eight months - first.

But after some thought, I decided to post about last Tuesday night's electrolysis session first. Rest assured, however, that both were equally painful. (Juuussstttt kidding, M! lol)

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Tidbits, Pt. I

Just thought I'd write about some  fun/nice tidbits from the past few days while I work on three (yes, three) other posts. I am a glutton for punishment. :c)

Anyway, here's the first, about my most recent electrolysis session on Tuesday evening. :c)

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That Smell

So I had two-plus hours of electrolysis and [shudder] laser tonight, and did fairly well, all things considered.

We focused on my upper lip and neck, as well as some of the stragglers that are trying to mount a comeback after our recent assault on my chin.

I wouldn't say I've gotten used to laser; I still flinch - badly - after each pulse. But I no longer tremble quite as much.

And who knows? Given enough time, M might not have to hold my hand the entire time either.

I may bring Cody, my stuffed cow, with me from now on for moral support. He is far braver than I. Cuter too. :c)

Anyway, the one thing I *cannot* get used to, no matter how hard I try?

The smell.

Ewwwwww!!!!

OMG, it makes me nauseous even thinking about it! At least tonight I was so stuffed up from the work on my upper lip that I couldn't smell it. Thank goodness for small blessings!

When I came home and took a shower though... hoo boy. I spent the entire time thinking, "That acrid smell... is ME." lol I had to toss the facecloth in the hamper as soon as I finished. Otherwise I would have a flashback the next time I used it.

Oh well... the price we pay for beauty!

Or whatever it is I have. :c)

***

A great, great song from Lynyrd Skynyrd, and one of the most powerful anti-drug songs ever written:

That three-way guitar interplay at the end still gives me goosebumps every time. Steve Gaines was already well on his way to becoming one of rock's great guitarists after just one album. Alas, we'll never know... but we still have Street Survivors.

A Busy Day

Hello all!

Well, it was the last day of my so-called vacation (sigh), but at least I managed to get outside of my house for the first time since last Thursday.

And what did I do on my first field trip, you ask?

Well, let me tell you all about it! :c)

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Running On Empty (I Wish) :c)

Just got back from electrolysis a while ago, where we had decided to begin work on my upper lip at the end of last week's session.

So how was it, you ask?

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Catching Up

Well, hello there. 

Where have you all been?

Just kidding. :c)

Sorry; I know it's been a while, relatively speaking, since I last posted. I've been very busy the past two weeks, and this is literally the first time I've had a chance to sit down and write in that entire time. Lots to discuss - so let's get to it!!!

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Electrolysis: The Journey Begins :c)

The first hour is in the books, as of barely 30 minutes ago.

The verdict? Not too bad, all things considered.

There was some discomfort, but that may be partly due to only having Lidocaine applied. My nephew C (yes, that C) apparently strip-mined the medicine cabinet as well as the refrigerator, since all of the Tylenol I bought last week is suddenly gone. It really only bothered me when she worked high on the cheekbones, and even then it was intermittent. Most of the time I barely felt it.

I go back Saturday; this time we're going to see how laser does at "deforestation," as a friend calls it. My electrolysist said she thinks it will make things go much faster if it works as well as she suspects it will. Fingers crossed.

***

Work was... dreadful. 'Nuff said. The sooner I am out of there and into a new position, the better.

I heard from several recruiters today, and one position sounded promising. Talking to them is a long, long way from getting the gig though; still, you have to start somewhere. Given how awful things have been lately, I'll settle for that.

Stay tuned.

***

In honor of taking the first steps towards eliminating my own facial hair, here are a few tunes from the more hirsute end of the indie rock spectrum.

First, a beautiful, haunting song from Iron & Wine:

Next, Seattle's own Fleet Foxes:

And, also from Seattle (originally, anyway), Band of Horses: