More Musings, The Sequel: A (Slight) Change of Plans :D

Hello all, and a happy Saturday/Sunday to everyone. Hope you're doing well.

This is just a brief post I'm putting up about a change of plans I decided on this week. In fact, most of it will actually be about the songs that came to mind when I decided to write this. lol That said, the main reason I wrote this, as you will see, is so I've committed to this decision in writing. :c) 

I mentioned in my last few posts that I had three writing projects I'm going work on, and that I'd decided to start with a series of posts about my experience having my GCS in Montreal. After that, I would tackle two other projects I've had on the back burner for a long, long time. 

These are larger, more complex - and, in the case of the project I had planned to work on after the Montreal series, more challenging and painful: my childhood.

Well, I started work on the Montreal/GCS project this week, spending about eight hours total over four nights. And it was going well.

But after the second night, I began to feel myself being drawn to this second, more difficult project. This feeling didn't subside after two more nights of writing.

I've learned to trust my instincts, particularly on important matters such as this.

So, I've decided to put the Montreal/GCS project on hold for the time being. 

Instead, I'm finally taking on writing about the one thing I've never really allowed myself to truly face, even after all these years. 

Why now? I don't know. But that voice inside is never wrong, for bad or good.

So, I started late last night, and then for the entire afternoon today. About nine or ten hours, all told.

I haven't gotten to the challenging part yet. But it's coming up.

And this time I'm ready. Once and for all.

I'm not going to post it until the entire thing is done (in multiple posts, based on how much I've already written). It's going to take a significant amount of time. 

But I will finish it. 

And I will post it.

And based on my experience in finishing the other posts in The Chronicles of Cass series, it will be an exorcism as much as, if not more than, it is a writing project.

I'm going to post about other topics in the interim to keep up the discipline of posting, so it won't be total radio silence. :c) So keep your eyes on this space! 'Til next time...

***

I heard a song early in the week that I suspect may have played a role in why I decided to switch up the order of my upcoming posts. I don't think it was a coincidence that I came across this particular song at this particular time.

It was written by Colin Hay, who was the singer and main songwriter in the Australian band Men at Work. The band's first two albums were quite successful, particularly their debut, Business As Usual (1982), which was a massive global hit. 

Cargo, the 1983 follow-up, wasn't quite as successful commercially (although it still did very well), but showed real artistic growth. Unfortunately, their third and final album, 1985's Two Hearts, was a disappointment both commercially and creatively. 

The band was dropped by their record label and, after several fruitless years trying to recapture the magic, they broke up. Several years after that his record label dropped Hay from his contract as a solo artist as well after three unsuccessful albums. 

He entered a dark period in his life, trying to reconcile where he currently was - on his own, with no recording contract and no audience to speak of - with where he had been - worldwide fame, Grammy awards, platinum albums, and on and on. 

The result of that struggle became the basis for his most beloved, and enduring, song as a solo artist: "Waiting For My Real Life To Begin," first recorded for his 1994 Topanga album. No need to elaborate further; this wonderful, moving live version speaks for itself:

The American TV series Scrubs , ostensibly a sitcom, used this song to great effect in one of its best episodes, "My Philosophy." While ostensibly a sitcom, "My Philosophy" demonstrates how it could, and frequently did, segue in an instant to powerful drama. Both this episode and show are well-worth your time. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the terrific 2015 documentary about Hay, also titled Waiting For My Real Life To Begin. It's wonderful.

***

After their debut, Men At Work were unfairly labeled by many as a lightweight, jokey band. But like their spiritual cousins Barenaked Ladies, there is frequently more going on for the careful listener. "Overkill," written by Hay, was released as the leadoff single from their second album Cargo. Both the song and its excellent video made it clear that Men At Work, and Colin Hay, had much more to offer than easy laughs:

In an interview, Hay was once asked which song he was proudest of writing. He cited "Overkill," particularly what he acknowledged were its deeply personal lyrics:

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations that
I know will be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night
My heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away 
Ghosts appear and fade away

He went on to say that after completing "Overkill" he knew for the first time that he was a real songwriter. And rightly so, as a song that still stands up decades later proves the point.

***

Since this post is about changes, I thought I should end with a few songs about change. First up is "Change," from Patty Griffin's 1998 Flaming Red album. Her albums are almost exclusively acoustic-based, with Flaming Red as the lone exception. An out-and-out rock album, Flaming Red is a showcase for Griffin's hurricane of a voice. If you've never seen pictures of her, she's a tiny slip of a thing, but that voice is a force of nature, as this song shows.

 

Next, a second song about change - one that spans decades. 

Woody Guthrie's daughter Nora invited Jay Farrar (Uncle Tupelo, Son Volt) to add music for some of her father's unpublished lyrics to commemorate Woody's 100th birthday in 2012. Farrar, in turn, invited Jim James (My Morning Jacket), Will Johnson (South San Gabriel and Centro Matic), and Anders Parker, a New Orleans-based songwriter to collaborate.

The result from the ad hoc collective was called New Multitudes, which served simultaneously as the name of the group, the album, and one of its songs. Critically acclaimed upon its release in 2012, Farrar, James, Johnson, and Parker supported the album with a brief nine show tour. 

I was fortunate enough to see them at their final appearance at the 2012 Newport Folk Festival. As good as album was, watching them perform live was even better. The guitars were turned up, adding a real edge to the songs. 

That being said, my favorite songs from the album are two of its quietest. The music for "Changing World" was composed by Jim James; his one-of-a-kind voice sings the verses, while all four members share the chorus.

My other favorite song, written by Will Johnson, is "Corine, My Sheba Queen," a hushed duet with James. Anders Parker provides the gorgeous guitar parts.

 

This song in particular sounds as if it could have been written yesterday - or 200 years ago. The stunning black and white photography perfectly captures the song's shimmering, ghostly beauty.

***

And on that lovely note will this post end. Have a good week, all...

HRT: Year Four (a/k/a Jugs (Not))

Hello all! This is a somewhat belated anniversary post. I have been battling the flu for over a week, if you can believe it. I haven't been this sick for nearly three years. Hopefully it's drawing to a close shortly. I am more than ready, believe me.

As mentioned above, this is an anniversary post, albeit a late one. It was four years ago - November 19, 2011 - that I began HRT. It seems both a lifetime ago *and* just moments ago.

I spent Thanksgiving with my dear friends T & J, as I had last year. Amazingly, it was the first time we had been together since, for a variety of reasons. While we all agreed that a year was far too long, an unintended result is the perspective that it brings.

Within minutes of my arrival, both T and J commented on how different I was from the last time they'd seen me. And I knew exactly what they meant.

I have come a long, long way in the past year, particularly in the last few months. Not just in terms of my appearance (although I have seen marked changes on that front), but, far more importantly, in my comfort level and self-confidence.

J echoed something I have heard from a number of people over the past few months: "You aren't apologizing for who you are anymore, Cass; you OWN it. And that makes all the difference."

She was correct: I do know who I am now. And I like who I am. A lot. And it shows.

I'll write more about this, but I see the difference in how people interact with me, and in how I interact with them. Confidence is a funny thing, I will simply say that. :c)

More to come in a future post, but I wanted to acknowledge just how far I've come in a year. And believe me: you ain't seen nothing yet. By this time next year things are going to be even better. I will make it happen. So stay tuned, folks; it's going to be quite a ride! But for now... I need to take another nap. (Stupid flu!) lol

***

A quick thank you to another J for the lovely red blouse I'm wearing in the photo at the top of the post. Thank you, hon - for the blouse *and* the dress! :D

***

Jason Isbell has become one of my very favorite songwriters over the past few years. He is the real deal: great singer, songwriter, guitarist... and interpreter. Here is his take on one of the best from Guy Clark, the songwriter's songwriter:

And the master's version:

And one more:

Whew... goosebumps, every time! It really doesn't get any better than that...

HRT: Year 3 (a/k/a Mammaries Can't Wait)

Yup, another year gone by! Hard to believe - that I keep thinking up stupid boob-related puns, that is. :)

Kidding aside, this video is about the changes I've seen the past three years - in particular  the last three-four weeks. It's pretty remarkable. Hope you agree. :)

***

The Talking Heads song I've forever besmirched with my dumb pun, originally recorded for their classic 1979 album Fear of Music. This version is from the equally good live album, The Name of This Band Is Talking Heads, released in 1982:

Talking Heads are one of those groups I really wish I could have seen live. Alas, I was too young at the time. Their music is as relevant today as it was back in the 70s and early- to mid-80s. Not many artists you can say that about...

Read Socks

The last few days have been quite emotional. The entire week, really.

Much of it was a reaction to good news, or to happy circumstances, in the early part of the week, peaking on Wednesday evening as the Red Sox won the World Series.

I watched as they put an exclamation point to their remarkable, joyous season - and, simultaneously, felt hot tears streaming down my face.

I felt quiet pride for their achievement - and almost unbearable grief at the same time.

And I wasn't completely sure why.

I'm still not, to be honest.

But I am trying, with the help of some dear friends, to untangle the knot of emotions I feel.

I have SO much to write about.

So much I need to write about.

Some of it is quite upbeat. (Much of it, in fact.)

But some of it is also dark, and melancholy.

I will write about it all. Doing so helps me process what I am feeling. And why. (That last part is the trickiest.)

It is intense, and it is emotional - both pleasant and not-so-pleasant.

But as I told April last night, I would rather feel intensely - even painful feelings - than be numb, as I was for most of my life.

Because that is how I know I am leaving "him" behind, and growing into myself.

But all of that can wait for the next few posts - which includes some not-insignificant news in Cass's little corner of the world. So please stay tuned.

Before I delve into those murky waters, however, I want to share a happy story that took place on - you guessed it - Wednesday. :c)

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Silly Grin :c)

Greetings and salutations, one and all!

I have *so* much to write about - some really exciting things too! - but not enough time at the moment. That said, I wanted to share a moment from Monday morning that, as the title says, left me with a goofier than usual grin afterwards. If such a thing is possible!

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A Cool Night

Just got back from dinner with M and wanted to share a few details. It can be interesting to see how others perceive you, and tonight was one of those times.

We spent most of dinner chatting about M's new job, which he started recently after a lengthy job search. He clearly made a good impression, as he's already received a promotion. 

This doesn't really come as a surprise; he's the most talented person I know. He picks things up with ease. Nonetheless, it's great to see him getting rewarded for his hard work.

We glossed over my work difficulties; as I've mentioned here, they're frustrating, but they'll come to an end at some point. In the interim, as I told M, it's helping me save money for my transition.

He asked what my next steps were, so I ran down the list: electrolysis (starting in a few weeks), work on my voice, and more, going into detail about what each entailed. 

I was describing how C and I planned to go clothes shopping in a few weeks in New York City to help me figure out my "look" (amazingly, even my sister thinks I have the right idea; wonders never cease!) when I noticed M smiling. I stopped.

"What's so funny?" I asked him.

"You," he said, still smiling. "You're so excited! I've never seen you so... optimistic."

"Really?" I replied, surprised.

"Really. You're obviously so, so happy. Even with everything going on in your life right now, it's like night and day. 

"You used to seem... well, there was a sadness that was always there, and that never went away, even when you were being funny and joking around. 

"But not anymore. It's obvious you're thrilled to finally be on the way to becoming who you're supposed to be. Good for you."

You can imagine how nice it was to hear something like that.

As we exited the restaurant, a slight breeze picked up, and suddenly I was shivering, almost uncontrollably. It wasn't all that cold - upper 60s and a light breeze - but I was wearing shorts (I was in boy mode), and I get chilled much more easily than before.

After a moment M noticed how cold I was - my teeth were almost chattering -  and insisted on driving me home. I was too cold to argue. 

On the way home, M asked if I was warm enough a few minutes after turning up the heat. I replied that I was, explaining that this was one result of the HRT.

As we pulled up in front of my parents house, he unlocked the passenger side door to let me out.

"Bring a sweater from now on, Cass," he said with a grin. "There isn't enough of you to stay warm on your own, so remember: think layers."

It was a really nice way to end the day. :c)

***

Since we spent part of our dinner conversation discussing the recent 25th anniversary release of Paul Simon's landmark Graceland album, here's what is surely one of the most joyous musical performances I've ever seen, from Saturday Night Live in November 1986:

HRT: Six Months (a/k/a A Developing Situation)

Whoa. It's hard to believe it's six months already. As I said about the one year anniversary of my decision to transition, it simultaneously seems as if it's both eons ago and this instant.

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Three(-ish) Month Update

I'll begin this by noting that I received my confirmation letter from my new employer this afternoon, which I promptly signed and sent winging back via cyberspace. OK, fax. Close enough. Anyway, I'm officially employed again - which merits another "Yea!!!" methinks. :c)

Now, back to our regularly scheduled blog post. No major revelations in this one (I can hear the sighs of relief already); I just thought I'd blather on a bit about the changes I've noticed after three and a half months on HRT.

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Working Girl!

As you may have guessed from the title, I'm happy to report that, as of the week after next, I will be gainfully employed again. Yea!!!

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Change (you can change)...

So, I've been gently encouraged by a certain someone (who shall remain nameless, but she knows who she is ;c)) to post a bit more often. So, here goes!

It's been an eventful few weeks in this little corner of the blogosphere. On the weather front, there was an earthquake, and a hurricane, and a loss of power for two-plus days. 

On the transition front, my sister is visiting next week, and I'm going to come out to her. I also came out to a good friend at work, who was absolutely wonderful and has been incredibly supportive. I knew she would be, but it's still a wonderful, affirming experience each time it happens.

Unfortunately, though, I have to amend that to "a good friend where I *used to* work." Because, sadly, our project was cancelled, and we, along with a number of colleagues, were laid off effective last Friday.

No layoffs are fun (I've gone through my share, having worked in high tech as a contractor), but this one is particularly sad because this was the nicest group of people I've ever worked with. And I've been fortunate in that regard. Please send some good vibes their way; these folks deserved a much, much better fate.

Ideally, my former company will be able to bring in another contract fairly soon and call back at least some of us. Failing that, I hope to land something to get me through my current lease (which, of course, I had signed the day *before* we found out the project was in trouble). If I can do that, I'll be relocating back to Seattle next spring. In hindsight I never should've left there at all, but what's done is done. No regrets, as the song goes, right? 

The timing was particularly bad because I was planning to start electrolysis this month. I was also planning to talk with M, my therapist, about a timeline to get my letter. I still plan on asking her about it this week. I'd like to get it sooner rather than later; better to have it in my hands in light of this much uncertainty.

No matter what, though, this isn't stopping my transition. It may or may not delay it, but it WILL happen. I'm not going back to where I was, and I'm going to do what I have to do to make this happen, and sooner rather than later. On that note, if anyone has a freelance writing project that will cover the cost of transitioning, moving cross-country, and, ideally, a nifty condo with a view of Puget Sound, please drop me a line. Oh, and if you want to throw in the cost of season tickets to the Mariners, feel free. <g> (There's proof of what a determined gal I am - I'm STILL a Mariners fan...)

So, that's where things stand as of now. More to follow!

In the interim, a few tunes that have been running through my head recently. First up, a classic from Tears For Fears that sums things up nicely:

Next, Jerry Garcia's excellent cover of "Waiting For A Miracle," a song about finding the courage to carry on no matter the odds, written by the great Bruce Cockburn:

And last but not least, possibly the two most uplifting songs I know:

I know you got a lot of good things happening up ahead
The past is gone, it's all been said

So here's to what the future brings
I hope tomorrow you'll find better things

I know tomorrow you'll find better things
I know tomorow you'll find better things