Three (Is A Magic Number)

Monday, April 28, 2014

My life started three years ago today.

I woke up in the middle of the night, shaking uncontrollably, after another in an increasingly vivid dreams that I could no longer dismiss, as I had done my entire life.

Dreams about the life I should have been living, the person I should have been, but that I had never dared admit were something I wanted.

Until that night.

I realized at that moment that I could no longer live a lie.

Not one second more.

I finally told myself the truth:

I was a girl.

It was not a moment of triumph, or relief.

It was, really, an admission of reality.

This was never going to go away.

I fought for as long as I could, as hard as I could.

But I could fight no more.

I was worn out.

I had to give in.

I had no idea if it was even possible.

Not just in terms of passing. But in terms of the price I would have to pay, and the sacrifices I would have to make, financially, emotionally, and more.

But I resolved then and there that I would do the best I could to live the life I deserved.

I was terrified.

But I knew the alternative was even more terrifying.

So I chose, as one of my favorite songwriters put it, to kick at the darkness.

And three years later... here I am.


It has been the hardest thing I have ever done.

And the best thing I have ever done.

The journey to self-acceptance that started in the early morning hours three years ago is a long one. I have made tremendous progress, and am proud of how hard I have worked and how far I have come in the face of sometimes daunting challenges. And while there are still miles to go, I know I will do everything within my power to reach the destination, to live the life I want, and deserve, to live.

Pictures can only show a small part of the journey - but still an important one. I am approaching two and a half years on hormones in a few weeks.

I know I have changed - if only from how others react when I show them photos of "him" and then of me. lol In particular, I can sense that the changes have accelerated in the last few months. I have been full-time for just over four months, so I suppose it's a combination of hitting the two-year mark late last November and of finally becoming comfortable as myself at long last.

At any rate, I thought I would share a few photos to show that change over the last three years. (Some of these are repeats, but hey, recycling is a virtue, is it not? ;))


The photo at the top of the post was taken early last week, and the next two were taken last Thursday, April 24th:

Stay tuned for further changes! :D


Three really *is* a magic number:

I adored Schoolhouse Rock growing up, and have always found this particular song to be surprisingly moving.

It's just a shame King Arthur didn't hear this back in the day:

Oh well, things turned out OK there for everyone. Well, everyone other than the rabbit... :D

Vignettes: Redhead Walking

Monday, April 21, 2014

Hello, all! And Happy Easter, if that is something you celebrate. :c)

I had a funny moment yesterday I thought I would share from Saturday, while I was out for a walk.  Follow along below the jump if you are so inclined!

Vignettes: Banking On It

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Hi everyone!

Just a very quick mid-week post about a funny incident from today.

I went out to lunch with my friend and co-worker B today. We chatted about various matters, among them my comfort level with finally being full-time. He remarked on how much happier I clearly was, and how at ease I seemed.

I agreed, mentioning how amazed I was that up until last July I had never so much as been out of the house as myself. Now, barely nine months later, I have been full-time for four months (as of this past Sunday - a fact that I totally missed until just now!). The dysphoria vanished as soon as I was living as myself, just as my friends had promised me. I am, simply, happily, me. Nothing more, nothing less.

I also commented on how odd it can be at times. I feel like myself inside, at long last. And I know on some level I look different than he did, even if I really can't see it when I look in the mirror. It can be difficult to articulate, but there is definitely some dissonance between what I know and what my brain perceives. B nodded and said that made sense to him, adding that he suspected that would change with time.

And I soon had an experience to speed that process up a bit. :D

After lunch, I asked if we could swing by my bank so I could deposit a check, and B, good friend that he is, said of course. (My offer to buy him a cup of coffee probably didn't hurt my chances either. lol)

B accompanied me to the bank, and gentleman that he is, insisted on stopping me when I tried to open the door for us and instead held it open for me. Yes, I enjoyed it. :D

I filled out my deposit ticket and waited in line. A teller I didn't recognize came out after a minute or two, smiled and called us over. I returned her smile, said hello, and handed her the check and deposit slip, as well as my debit card and driver's license.

I fiddled about in my pocketbook while she processed the paperwork; B, as is his way, waited patiently. I glanced up a few moments later when I realized I wasn't hearing her typing on her keyboard.

She was looking at my debit card and license with a puzzled expression.

"I'm sorry, Miss... are you depositing this for your husband?"

Whoops. :#)

For various logistical reasons, I have not been able to get into Boston to probate court to get my name changed legally - which means my identification - including my debit card and driver's license - still bear his name. And in the case of my license, his photo.

I apologized (without blushing too much for a change) and explained that no, that was me - emphasis on "was." Her eyes widened, then, smiling, she said, "'Was' is right!"

As she finished processing the transaction, she said she never would have guessed unless I had told her that I was the person on the license. We chatted amiably for a minute or two about changing names and other matters. When she finished, she handed me back my receipt, wished us both a good afternoon, and wished me luck.

B, highly amused, waited until we reached the door to speak.

"Well, I don't think she had any trouble seeing you for who you are, Cass."

Apparently not. :D


I took the photo at the top of the post in the afternoon; it is no great shakes (it was rainy and windy, hence the crazy hair), but I like both my new dress and the hoodie with the fur trim (not real, needless to say).

Getting to wear something cute that I really like makes even a mediocre day much brighter. Lord knows I never thought that when I was trying to be a boy.

As I told R afterwards, "Have I mentioned how much I love being a girl?"

Not often enough - not often enough. :-p


Not that I need an excuse, but here's a Beatles song that fits:

And one more, since the 15th of April is the day taxes are due here in the States:

Fun fact: the blistering guitar solos are courtesy of Paul! He was, and is, a phenomenal musician...

Calamity Cass: A Week For The Record Books...

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Greetings and salutations from Medical Center, a/k/a my bedroom. It has been a week to remember in the annals of Calamity Cass. 

I have endured trauma - mostly, but not entirely, self-inflicted - to my upper body, lower body, and my head. As Kelli pointed out to me while we were chatting on Friday evening: "Damn girl, you don't do anything halfway, do you?" lol

Alas, she is correct, as always. :c) So follow along below the break for a summary of Cass's adventures in being a one-girl self-wrecking crew. :c)

How Do You 'Do?

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Hello all! Hope everyone survived the week and is enjoying their weekend! :c) 

I haven't written much lately, so I want to get back to it as time permits. So I'll write a bit about the past week, including the not-so-good (a migraine) and the good (my latest trip to the salon). Happily, the good easily trumps the not-so-good! 

So, follow along after the jump, won't you? :D


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