So, I've been writing furiously since I began to emerge from the dark period I referenced previously. I have quite a backlog of topics I want - need, in some instances - to write about, just for myself, as I'm making up for lost time,
This isn't one of those posts... but it is about those posts. 🙂
Hello, and a Happy pre-Christmas Thursday to everyone. Hope you're already on vacation, or will be after tomorrow.
Yours truly is working, and will be next week as well. It's been frantic at work the past few months (more so than usual), and exhausting, so you do what you have to do. The bright side, such as it is, is that no one is in the office, so I can get a lot done without interruption.
There is one complication, however:
I broke two ribs last night. :c(
Or, to be completely accurate, I broke two ribs again last night.
Hi everyone, and Happy Easter to everyone who celebrates it. Hope the Easter Beagle was good to you today.
Apologies for the gap between posts; I've made it past my major deadline at work, but things are still quite busy with the remaining work for my projects. It isn't difficult, but there's a lot to do. And quite honestly, I'm running on fumes.
It isn't just work, although that is certainly a major factor. I think this deserves its own post, so perhaps I'll save it for the next one. For now, suffice it to say I'm weary. Not tired - weary. I've learned the hard way what happens when I don't listen to my body, so I'm taking steps to address this before it gets out of hand. More to come on that.
I thought I'd end with two songs that are semi-related to Easter. The first is "The End of the World," from U2's Achtung Baby.
While it doesn't get discussed much now, U2 were identified as a Christian band early in their career, with many overt references in their songs. This song, from 1991, is a later example of that influence. The lyrics are a conversation between Jesus and Judas Iscariot, told from Judas's point of view. It is a powerful song from one of their masterpieces:
The Edge's guitar work on this is just astonishing. Such a great song.
The second song is from Robbie Robertson's self-titled debut album from 1987. Like many great songs, "Broken Arrow" is open to interpretation. Robertson is half-Jewish and half-Native Canadian, and the lyrics contain several instances of Native American/Canadian symbolism (a broken arrow is a symbol of peace, while a bottle of rain represents a wish for prosperity for the recipient).
I tried for years to decipher the meaning of this song. Late one night, I suddenly realized that while they could certainly be taken as a love song - and, judging from Robertson's anguished vocals, an intensely personal love song - but also as Jesus talking to God.
Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrow?
Who else is gonna bring you a bottle of rain?
There I go
Moving across the water
There you go
Turning my whole world around
Can you feel what I feel?
Can we make it so that's part of the deal?
I will hold you in these arms of steel
Lay your heart on the line
This time
Can you see what I see?
Can you cut behind the mystery?
Count the beads of sweat that cover me
Can you show me a sign
This time?
Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrow?
Who else is gonna bring you a bottle of rain?
There I go, moving across the water
There you go, turning my whole world around
I'm gonna come when you call
I'll get to you if I have to crawl
I will meet you by the witness tree
Leave the whole world behind
This time
Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrow?
Who else is gonna bring you a bottle of rain?
There I go, moving across the water
There you go, turning my whole world around
Regardless, it is a remarkable song from one of my very favorite albums. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
Happy Sunday, everyone. Hope you all had a nice week and weekend.
The word I would use to describe last week is "eventful." In a good way, thankfully. Three separate ongoing concerns came to a conclusion last week.
I'm holding off on discussing one of them for the moment; it's the most significant in the long-term, but I'm not quite ready to go into it yet. Soon, I promise.
For details on the other two, follow me over to the other side...
Hi everyone. Hope you all had a nice week. I'm going to keep this brief, as I need to work tomorrow (Sunday).
I'm trying to meet a very tight deadline at work, one that is tight because of circumstances beyond my control; accordingly, I've been writing frantically, particularly the past three weeks, to try to make it. I think I'll get everything done in time, but I'm worn to a nub.
I can tell I'm worn out by the kind of mistakes I'm making - silly spelling errors, typos, and forgetting to do routine tasks that I normally do automatically. But the combination of fatigue and racing to get everything done means those tasks aren't routine at the moment.
My personal life is hectic as well, for reasons I don't wish to go into right now. They're necessary, but they require a great deal of driving (4-6 hours on those days), which, as regular readers know, I find to be incredibly stressful and exhausting. But I have no choice in this case, so I simply have to grit my teeth, get through it, and hope it proves to be worth it.
I've been having trouble sleeping since the weekend before Christmas, and it's become a vicious cycle. I typically get this way at the end of a project cycle, but in this case it's exacerbated by the other matters to which I alluded. Even on the nights when I do sleep, I wake up feeling worn out. I get everything done, but it takes everything I have to do so.
I want to stress, once again, that as challenging as this is, and has been, it is still *infinitely* better than my life pre-transition. I am dealing with all of this as myself, and that makes all the difference. I can look in the mirror and like the person I see. That was not the case for most of my life. I earned that peace of mind by working incredibly hard, and I do not take it for granted.
Hopefully things on the work front will slow down somewhat after this week (or possibly the week after), and I will be able to catch my breath, metaphorically speaking, and focus on the big picture. For the moment I'm just focused on getting through each day as best I can. It's all I can do.
Next post I hope to write something a bit more upbeat. It merits its own post, so I will hold off until I get through this stretch and hopefully get some energy back.
Oh, and I realize I've neglected to write about my exercise routine, as I'd promised to do in my first post this year. I've been doing pretty well, given my schedule, my lingering illness at the beginning of the year, and simple fatigue. Once I get through this stretch, and once it's safe for me to run after work again (because the sun is setting later), I'll kick into overdrive again. For now, I'm doing as much as I possibly can. I've learned the hard way - several times - to respect my limits, so I will be careful to think long-term.
Have a good week everyone...
***
I don't think the photo at the top is particular flattering (I know I'm tired when my face is puffy like this, plus I can see the bags under my eyes, in spite of the filters I applied), but the expression seems to capture my mood at the moment. I included it so it will help me sometime in the future when I look back on this time. Hopefully it does the same for others reading this post.
***
I've been listening quite a bit the past few weeks to Nap Eyes, a terrific new band from Nova Scotia. I have some family in the Canadian Maritimes, so I suppose I'm inclined to like them already, but their music stands on its own merits.
This song, "Mixer," is the opening track on Thought Rock Fish Scale, their second album, which was just released a few weeks ago. Nigel Chapman, the band's singer/songwriter, has clearly listened to his Velvet Underground albums, but "Mixer," a quiet, thoughtful song about being alone at a party, shows he has a songwriting voice that is all his own.
Mine was mostly spent trying to rest. It's been a challenging few months on both the personal and professional fronts, and apparently it's taken its toll.
Several colleagues have made it a point to stop by my desk and ask me to take care of myself, saying I look "exhausted" (their word). My dear friend Alice told me, not unkindly, that I haven't been as bubbly and up as I normally am. I guess things have caught up with me. (I took the selfie above a few days ago, so judge for yourselves.)
The big project deadline at work is approaching, which means I can't really take any time off right now. So all I can do is grind out each day as best I can and try to get some rest when I can. I haven't been sleeping since just before Christmas, which is a long time even for a lifelong insomniac like me.
I will get through this stretch. I'm doing my best to remember better things are (hopefully) ahead. My therapist M told me so yesterday, and reminded me of how far I've come. I'll try to keep that in mind as I try to get through this period.
Have a good week, everyone.
***
I wanted to post The Beatles original version of "I'm Only Sleeping," from Revolver, but I couldn't find it on YouTube. But it turned out to be a good thing, because it meant I discovered this version by The Stereophonics and Oasis, which I really, really like. I'm not at all familiar with The Stereophonics, but that's going to change after listening to this. The lead singer has a terrific voice. (I'm a huge Oasis fan, so I'm shocked to discover I've never posted a single song from them in the nearly five years I've been writing this blog.)
Since I mentioned Oasis, here's my favorite song of theirs - the B-side of their "Roll With It" single in 1995, believe it or not. It's called "Rocking Chair."
Liam Gallagher has such a great voice - so full of character and emotion. And what kind of songwriting streak was his brother Noel on at the time that they could relegate a song this good to a B-side? Really amazing...
It's 3:41 AM on Sunday morning as I write this. I gave up trying to sleep several hours ago. I spent nearly two hours working on a post to summarize how I am feeling right now.
But I just read it, and it does not come remotely close to getting across how low I feel. As I usually do, I try to distance myself from how I feel through the words I use.
Well, I can't do that. Not this time.
I don't think I can get across the intensity of the pain I feel now. But I need to try.
I am still working on a somewhat lengthy post about my transition to full-time last Friday. It's been a very busy week here (two snowstorms in three days, my manager being in town, Christmas shopping, and more), which has left me with little to no time to write.
However, I wanted to quickly post something about my first few days at work.
In a nutshell:
Wonderfully, exhilaratingly normal.
If that makes sense. lol
Much like my first day and first week spent as myself, I was surprised to find that it simply felt… right.
I was not the least bit nervous on Sunday evening.
Not even when I needed to race to the supermarket for a a literally last-second purchase of supplies to create a new gaff. (My old one, which served with distinction - or should that be indistinction, given its purpose? lol - chose this day to shred itself to bits when I inadvertently put it in the laundry.)
Nor was I nervous when I woke up on Monday morning.
I awoke at 6:00 AM, put on coffee, and proceeded through a trial run of my new routine, minus a few key steps.
I chose not not to attempt to curl my hair, simply because I hadn't had a chance to try it before. (I had to leave it alone for a few days after going strawberry blonde last Thursday.) I also wanted to see how it looked when I let it dry on its own. The verdict: wavy, but in need of some styling. ;-p)
I also decided not to attempt makeup. Quite simply, I am not at all confident in my skill level yet. I will write more about this in another post, but for now I will leave it at that. I have had no trouble going out without out it so far, amazingly enough, so I felt OK doing so at work as well.
Once I was done and dressed (and yes, I did wear a dress!), I drove to work. Again, it felt like my standard 45-50 minute commute, which I spent listening to the soundtrack to A Charlie Brown Christmas. I dislike the long commute, but listening to good music - and practicing my voice on the way home - at least alleviates some of the aggravation.
Upon arriving at the office, I didn't hesitate for a moment. I gathered my belongings - now including my purse (teal, of course) - and headed inside. I felt completely calm. Which felt pretty great at the same time. :c)
Without exception, everyone at the office treated me as they always do. As I joked to our HR rep last week, we tech writers are used to being shunned by our co-workers on a normal day, so I didn't see why this would change anything. lol
Actually, that isn't true at all. :D A number of folks stopped by to say hello, and / or offer their congratulations. (I would add that the cookies and candy canes I brought in may have played a part as well.),
Many others greeted me with warm smiles and greetings throughout the day as they encountered me in the hallways or saw me walk by. Even more amazing: everyone got the name and pronouns correct. (Even me, Stace! ;-p)
I really couldn't have asked for a better first day. I wound up spending the last few hours of the day in out main office for an impromptu Doc team meeting, which meant I got to say hello to the writers in that office I had not had a chance to catch up with personally. They were fine as well.
I stayed a bit later than I had planned to finish off a few items for a co-worker, then headed to the nearby Starbucks where I often stop on my way home.
For various logistical reasons, I hadn't been there for nearly two weeks, so they had no idea about my transition. I suspected they would be fine; they are exceptionally friendly, and we all love to talk baseball and hockey each time I visit.
When I walked in, the manager, B, who has become a good friend, glanced up at me while on his dinner break. As he does with every customer, regular or no, he greeted me with a smile. And then he added a polite "Good evening, miss." :D He had no idea who I was. I smiled back and said I was doing well, after which he resumed his dinner.
M, the barista working the register, also greeted me warmly. "Evening, miss. I love your dress!"
"Thank you," I replied, smiling widely.
"You're welcome," she said, smiling back. "What can we get - "
She stopped and looked at me for several seconds. Then she clamped her hand over her mouth.
"Well, look at you!" she said with a grin. "You look wonderful, hon! Oh, I just *love* your hair!"
I thanked her, my face no doubt the color *of* my hair at that moment.
B had looked up from his dinner again; a moment later, he too recognized me. He stood up immediately, came over - and hugged me. Yes, I teared up a bit. :')
"You look fantastic!" he exclaimed. "Congratulations! We've been wondering where you were the past few weeks. How long since - I'm sorry, what is it called when you do this?"
"Going full-time," I replied. "Last Friday was my first day. And today was my first day at work."
After congratulating me, we chatted for a few minutes about my new name, how folks at work took it, and how my family was handling it. I told them the truth, albeit without going into details.
B shook his head.
"All anyone needs to do is look at you and it's obvious how happy you are. I can see it, and I just met you, Cass! Why can't they?"
I shook my head.
"Well, you have our full support, right, M?"
"Absolutely," she added. "You're not just a regular; you're a part of the family here, hon."
I teared up again, and didn't care a bit.
"Thank you," I said. "You have no idea how much this means to me."
"Well, we have to stay on your good side, Cass," B said. "How else are we going to get the Bruins and Celtics scores every night?"
(Those are Boston's hockey and basketball teams, respectively.)
We all laughed.
"Well, it's always good to know people's real motivation," I replied.
Several new customers walked in, so B and M returned behind the counter.
"If there's ever anything we can do to help, Cass, you just let us know," B said. "I mean it."
"Even if you just need someone to listen, hon," added M.
"Thank you both," I replied. "Now I almost feel bad I didn't leave a tip."
And thus ended my first work day as myself. :D
***
A few songs for my new status as a full-time working girl. (It sounds so wonderful to be able to say that!!!)
To begin, song one on side one of album one from Elvis Costello, 1977's My Aim Is True:
Such a brilliant album!
I am going to cheat now. I used the next two songs in a previous post, but they are both such great songs, and so appropriate for this post, that I'm going to use them again. (My blog, my rules!)
A way cool song from The Members, back in 1982:
Always loved the lead singer's sly grin and the twinkle in his eye as he sings about being a kept man. :c) I had this album (Uprhythm, Downbeat) back in the day, and wish I could find it on CD or MP3. Good times, good times…
This is from 2001's masterful The World Won't End, from the Pernice Brothers:
Isn't it great? The whole album is that good, and is just one gem in an impressive catalogue. The fact that I am fortunate enough to know Joe Pernice, the main force behind the band, only increases my admiration for them. Check them out; you won't regret it.
It is hard to believe, but it is just over 18 hours until "he" bids goodbye and I am myself - finally, and for good. :D
It barely seems real. This week has been a whirlwind, as you might imagine. I will have to write more over the weekend, but everything is going according to plan at work.
(My family… well, that is another story. But this is not their time any longer.)
My manager arrived in town today. She had a meeting with the managers in the satellite office where I work. On Tuesday, she and P, her boss, had met with the management team yesterday and told them what was happening.
Shortly after that meeting, I had a visit at my desk from AS, one of my work friends and a fellow baseball and hockey fanatic like your humble blogstress. (I will call him that to differentiate him from A, my friend who works as a tester in my group. More on her in a moment!)
"Hey… got a minute?" he asked with a grin.
I smiled, knowing immediately what he wanted to talk about.
"For you, absolutely," I replied, mock-solemn.
"Might want to grab your coffee there too," he said, his grin growing wider.
So I did.
We chatted for 45 minutes or so, during which he promised his full support. We made plans to go out to lunch so we can chat more about my transition and transitioning in general.
As we walked back to our desks, he asked me if I still was going to be a die-hard Mariners fan (the woebegone Seattle baseball team that has a seemingly unshakable grip on my heart).
"Darned right I am!" I told him, hands on my hips in mock-anger.
He shook his head sadly.
"And here I always thought women were smarter than men." :-p
***
I also told my friend A, mentioned above, as well. (Hi A! :D)
She was wonderfully supportive, just as I had expected. As soon as I told her, she broke into a huge smile.
"Congratulations! I am so happy for you! Also… welcome to the cool team (i.e. girls)!" lol
I showed her several pictures of my transition (she told me I looked "adorable" :#)), and immediately told me that we need to go shopping - as in, as soon as possible. Clearly, she and S will be formidable allies in helping me build a wardrobe. Lord knows I need the help!
As A was leaving at the end of the day, she came by my desk to tell me she was going to be working in the other office on Thursday. Since I plan to work at home on Friday (to give my co-workers some time to absorb the news without my presence), she won't see me until I come into work on Monday as myself for the first time.
"Goodbye, <my boy name>," she said with a smile. "For real this time!"
Only a few more hours to go until I can say the same thing. :D
***
I didn't realize I hadn't posted this photo until a few minutes ago, when I was looking through iPhoto:
The way-cool teal hat comes courtesy of my NJ friend C, who can clearly teach me a thing or two about style herself! Good to know I have a trusted panel of advisers to whom I can turn. :-p Thank you again, hon - I will be putting it to good use this winter, if December is any guide. Brrrr!!!
***
A great song from one of Boston's own: Buffalo Tom's "Taillights Fade," from 1992's Big Red Letter Day album:
And another killer tune: "Summer," from 1995's Sleepy Eyed:
I can personally attest to their power as a live act, as you can no doubt see and hear for yourself. Great band - and still going strong today, I am heartened to report. Check them out - you will not be disappointed!
(Thought I would throw a bone to my friends on the other side of the Atlantic with that title. :D)
Greetings from frigid New England, one and all! As I write this, I am in my living room, huddled under two blankets, watching the Bruins defeat the Pittsburgh Penguins in overtime (yea!) while wearing the following items:
A t-shirt
A long-sleeve t-shirt
A fur-lined hooded sweatshirt (zipped all the way up)
Three pair of leggings
Heavy wool socks
Calf-length boots
And I am *still* cold. Even my pal Cody the Cow can only provide so much additional warmth:
Clearly karma remembers my years of mocking my mother and sister for complaining about the cold. (In my defense, however, I *was* dealing with the handicap of trying to pretend I was a boy at the time!)
It is slightly warmer today than it was yesterday, when we had temperatures in the lows 20s with 25 MPH winds. For those of you in countries that use sensible means to measure temperatures and such, that means it was wicked cold (as the locals say). :c)
Now that I have established the hardships I am enduring, I thought I might share a bit about last week.
Finally getting around to finishing a post about some news in Cass's little corner of the world. I will be finishing - and posting - it tomorrow. Stay tuned.
Follow below the fold for a few items from the past week if you are so inclined.
(It includes shoes - specifically boots - among other things, in case you are wondering. Or am I the only person who would find that intriguing?)
I spent today in our main office for several meetings.
I thought I would share a bit about my day, my realization that I have been less than vigilant in maintaining my deep cover as a boy, and my radical steps to remedy this alarming development.
I have a longer post I need to write (I know I keep saying that, but it's true!). However, since my posts have been few and far between recently, I thought I'd fire off a few short - and fun - ones in the meantime.
I am working a post with some big news, which I had been hoping to write last night.
Instead, I came home late from work (followed by a stint at the gym), ate a slice of pizza, and then fell asleep watching the Red Sox defeat Oakland out on the Left Coast.
I awoke with a start, mid-drool, at 3:00 AM, with half my face imprinted with the corduroy from my backrest.
(And before some smart aleck (read: Kelli and/or April) asks: no, I will *not* be posting pictures!)
Instead, I *will* share another quick story about work, this one involving my friend D.
I apologize again for the rather somber post yesterday. I try to be honest about what I am feeling and going through, and sometimes that does not make for upbeat reading.
But life is rarely all one thing, good or bad.
Even in the midst of what has been a particularly challenging month, it is still possible to find moments of laughter and light.
My job is very challenging, but I am very fortunate in that the people I work with on a day-to-day basis are almost without exception an absolute pleasure.
We have a small team, are all juggling multiple tasks under a great deal of pressure, and work far too much.
Yet in spite of - or perhaps *because* of - that, we all get along famously.
I thought of several recent examples that illustrate this point nicely.
My apologies in advance for this post, as I fear it's going to come off as more than a bit self-pitying. There are many people who have it far worse than I do, but I need to start to get these thoughts out of my head somehow.
I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I was sick for three days at the end of last week, the latest in a seemingly endless stretch of feeling poorly.
As a result, I had to work all weekend (a long weekend here in the States) to catch up, since I have, yes, ANOTHER deadline on Friday. This week will be incredibly stressful yet again.
Several people have noted that I seem particularly frazzled the past few weeks, and that is how I feel. I've just felt stretched too thin for too long, with no time to learn to be me, let alone relax.
I desperately need time to work on getting comfortable presenting as myself, but for the past year events have conspired to hinder this. I have precious little free time to practice makeup, dressing, and so on. Now I'm feeling anxious that I need to catch up, which is adding to my not-inconsiderable fear about taking those big steps.
I will get there.
NOTHING is going to stop me.
NOTHING.
But right now, I am, quite simply, tired.
I will try to write more about what I suspect is behind this, as well as some quite positive things that took place recently. In fact, those positive events frustrate me even more; I could literally SEE my future, and yet events keep preventing me from working towards making that future my reality.
Apologies again for being a downer.
***
Here is a beautiful song from British folksinger Bill Fay. In 2012 he released Life Is People, his first new album since 1971, which proved that his gifts have not diminished one bit. Here is his stunning re-invention of Wilco's "Jesus Etc." I assure you this will induce goosebumps:
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