Another Brief Check In

 Hello all. I hope everyone is having a good summer. This is just (another) brief post. 

As I mentioned in my last post, it's been a difficult few months. Again, I prefer not to go into the specific reasons, other than to say I'm dealing with some health issues of my own, as well as those of my nephew. I will say that my nephew could use all of the positive energy and thoughts you can spare. Thank you.

This has been a particularly dark period, but the one thing that helps me without fail is music. So, I'll share a few songs from the music that's helped during this time.

First is something from a collaborative album between John Hiatt, one of my very favorite songwriters (I named one of the main characters in my old comic strip after him) and the great Jerry Douglas, who is both a solo artist and a member of Alison Krauss's band Union Station. Their album is called Leftover Feelings, and this track is "All The Lilacs In Ohio":

This is actually the second time Hiatt recorded this song; the original version was on his excellent 2001 album The Tiki Bar Is Open, with his superb backing band The Goners:

That's Sonny Landreth on slide guitar, by the way. He also appears with Hiatt on this 1988 appearance on David Letterman, performing the title track to Slow Turning:

Next is a song from what is what will almost certainly be the most moving album you will hear this year, Allison Russell's Outside Child. It is a harrowing, deeply personal, but ultimately redemptive effort, and is well worth your time. This is "Persephone," a tender song about first love, and its healing power in even the darkest of times.

She is also a member of Birds of Chicago, with her husband, JT Nero. I'm just beginning to explore their music, but one song that immediately stood out is "Real Midnight," the title track of their 2016 album:

 I'm looking forward to checking them out further. She was also in the Canadian roots-rock band Po' Girl (she's a native of Toronto), and I hope to hear some of their work as well. I first became aware of her through her participation in Our Native Daughters, a collaborative album recorded in 2018 by Russell, Rhiannon Giddens, Amythyst Kiah, and Leyla McCall. This is a powerful song called "You're Not Alone," performed at the 2019 Newport Folk Festival:

The entire album is equally good; do yourself a favor and give them a listen sometime.

That will do it for this post. Be good to yourselves.

A Brief Check In

 Hello all. Apologies for the long gap since my last post. 

This has been a difficult stretch. I've been feeling very down the past 4-6 weeks, for reasons I won't go into here. The one exception that I will discuss is my nephew's illness, which has, unfortunately, come back with a vengeance. He has had a very hard four years, and the path forward will be equally challenging. I can't go into details, but any positive thoughts you can send his way would be most appreciated. Thank you.

I've been willing myself into writing again on a daily basis, even if it's usually only for a minute or two. Anyone who has issues with mental health can understand that there are days when that minute or two represents a major victory over the darkness. It's an ongoing battle, but one I can't afford to lose. And I won't.

Again, my apologies for the somber nature of this post. I'll end with the one song I can think of that feels appropriate: Tom Petty's "I Won't Back Down," taken from the 9/11 broadcast honoring the frontline workers at the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. While the video quality is a bit iffy, his seething, defiant delivery comes through loud and clear and says what needs to be said.

Take care, everyone, and be good to yourselves. And to others. We can use lots more of that these days.

Still Here...

Hello all. It's been a long time. There's been a lot going on, so let me get right to it. 

Most important is my nephew C's health. He was back in the hospital yet again, I'm afraid. He has been seriously ill for over a year and a half, and the latest complications put him back in the hospital for nearly three weeks. I won't go into specifics, but he has had a very, very difficult time. His new team of doctors are excellent; the problem has been getting him healthy for a long enough period so that his system can fully recover. He's only 25, and it's absolutely heartbreaking to see him suffer like this. I would switch places in a heartbeat if I could.

The good news - and there is good news, fortunately - is that his doctors know what has been causing this. He is feeling better the past few days, and got out of the hospital yesterday. Without going into specifics, he will need home care for several months, which they believe will, finally, get him past all of this once and for all. My nephew has been a trouper through all of this; he is my hero, in no uncertain terms. I know he will get past this. Please keep him, and my sister, in your thoughts.

***

On to other matters. Work has been insanely, exhaustingly busy for months now, with no letup in sight. It has been absolutely grueling. I could say more, but for now I will leave it at that. Perhaps there will be more to say at some point relatively soon.

The last time I wrote I was recovering from three broken ribs, which I'd injured just before Christmas while out walking. Hard as it may seem to believe (although not for anyone who knows me), I managed to break the same three ribs *again* in early February when I slipped on black ice in my driveway. It could have been much worse; I also whacked my head on the railing, but managed to escape with only a nasty headache for a few days.

Speaking of hard to believe, I put myself on the disable list yet again just a few weeks ago, this time while visiting my dear friends A & B in Canada. We stopped for gas, and I was trying to get out of A's full-size SUV to pay. My feet got tangled in my pocketbook, and I fell - hard - onto the ground. Again, it could have been much more serious, but I escaped with a deep bruise to my right knee and some scrapes on my hands. 

Even for a klutz like me this is quite the run of incidents. The worst part has been my inability to do pretty much any exercise for months on end. Even before Christmas I'd been extremely busy with both work and a personal project that was enormously time-consuming. Exercise is my great stress reducer, so having to go without for month after month while under a great deal of stress has been very difficult. My ribs are healed, and my knee is on the mend. If I can manage to stay injury-free, I hope to start running and exercising again in another week or so. It is badly, badly needed, for both my physical and emotional well-being.

I've been in a rut for a long time - really, since my surgery in September 2017. There are a number of reasons why, mostly beyond my control. That being said, I know I need to do something - anything - to move forward. I have a birthday very soon, and it's reminded me that I have been in limbo for far too long. Again, hopefully I can elaborate in a future post, but for now suffice it so say that I am more than ready to move to the next phase of my journey - long overdue, in fact. Fingers crossed that I'm able to do so in short order.

***

I'll end with some music. I had the great pleasure of finally attending a concert by one of the last performers on my must-see list: Gordon Lightfoot. I saw him in Parry Sound, Ontario (Bobby Orr's hometown, for the hockey buffs), at a lovely, intimate theatre. He's 80 years old now, and also had major abdominal surgery about 15 years ago that permanently damaged his voice. But he still has those amazing songs, as well as a superb band that more than did justice to them. It was wonderful to see him. Amazingly, he has a new album coming out later this year - his first since 2004 - and the buzz is that it's excellent. I cannot wait to hear it.

Meanwhile, here are just a few gems from his remarkable songbook. First up is my very favorite song from Mr. Lightfoot - "Early Morning Rain", from a 1972 BBC performance.

Next is the aptly-named "Beautiful," from his 1979 Soundstage performance for PBS:

Arguably his best-known song - "If You Could Read My Mind," from a 1974 performance on The Midnight Special. Such a great, great song:

Next up: his other best-known song - "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald," from 1976. Such a haunting, somber song:

And finally, a fitting song for spring - "Summer Side of Life," from one of his best albums, 1971's Don Quixote. This is from the same 1972 BBC broadcast.

I've always loved his vocals on this track; so expressive, and so much emotion. I never get tired of hearing this - or any of his songs, for that matter. There's a reason Bob Dylan consistently cites Lightfoot as one of his favorite songwriters.

Hope you all have a good week. Hope to write more frequently in the weeks to come...

Pounding The Pavement (Again)

Greetings, one and all. Just a quick post to say hello. Hope everyone is having a good summer so far. The news has been almost uniformly awful :-/, so I'll avoid talking about it here. 

Instead, I'll focus on something positive: I'm finally able to start running again, at long last. Woo hoo! It had been 14 months, between a lingering issue with my hamstring last spring/summer, followed by my surgery and then a standard-issue New England winter.

I was able to start again in June, and got two weeks in, once again using the Couch to 5K (C25K) app I used to get started a few years ago. I was finishing the final run of the second week, and feeling good... only to have my 18 month old running shoes fall apart as I was finishing a run. Specifically, the heel came off my left shoe mid-stride. 

Luckily I escaped with a sore left knee, which healed quite nicely during the time it took to order new running shoes online and wait for their arrival. (I have an uncommon shoe size, so even specialty running stores typically don't carry anything that fits.)

Anyway, they finally arrived a few weeks ago, so I was able to start anew. Since I'm starting up again after a long layoff, I decided to repeat the first two weeks, lest my penchant for injuring myself kick in yet again.

I completed the first run of week 3 this morning before work, and am just now beginning to feel my stamina returning. As I mentioned in previous posts, I put on weight post-surgery. I was concerned I would have a hard time losing it, given how high my testosterone was pre-surgery, even after taking Spironolactone for years. 

My doctor, who is also a runner, assured me that my body would remember once I started exercising regularly again as my daily dilating schedule became more manageable. And... she was right. :c) I've put a nice dent into the amount I need to lose in a short period of time. I'm not really seeing the results yet (although my stylist, who saw me for the first time in six weeks last Friday, immediately commented on it as I walked in), but I'm beginning to feel it. For now, that's plenty.

I have a long way to go, but I feel a lot better knowing that I'll get back to my regular weight by sticking to my normal workout routine. It will take patience and a lot of hard work... but so did my transition. I did that; I can do this. In fact, I can do pretty much anything I put my mind to, I now realize. :c)

OK, off to cook dinner here, then work on my *other* big project. More on that soon... promise. :D Have a good week, everyone!

***

Since I'm out pounding the pavement again, what better band to end this post with than... Pavement? Check out Stephen Malkmus absolutely shredding during his guitar solo on "Summer Babe (Winter Version)", one of my faves of theirs.

I was going to post a clip of them performing "Cut Your Hair," probably their best-known song... but then I remembered Wilco had covered it a few years ago during one of their Solid Sound festivals, held in North Adams MA. They devoted an entire show to cover versions, starting with a killer version of Thin Lizzy's "The Boys Are Back In Town,"  followed by "Cut Your Hair." Speaking of shredding, Nels Cline absolutely tears the place down here. Enjoy!

Finally, a great song from the first of two masterpieces Stevie Wonder released in 1972,  Music of my Mind - "Keep On Running":

This is the album that contains "Superwoman (Where Were You When I Needed You)", my favorite Stevie song:

Hopefully that's enough tune-age to hold everyone over until my next post. Enjoy!

Poking My Nose Out

Hi all, and a Happy 2018. Apologies for the radio silence the past few months, especially to those of you who have kindly reached out to check in. It's much appreciated.

Everything is OK, I'm happy to say. I've been back at work since mid-November. My energy level isn't where it usually is, unsurprisingly, given that I'm not quite five months post-surgery. I saw my doctor last week for an exam, who told me I'm recovering nicely, other than some swelling and soreness.

That's likely due to a less-than-comfortable chair at work; I've found I can basically sit for 45-50 minutes at most before having to get up and go for a brief walk. Another factor: I'm still staying with my sister, which, while wonderful, means that I've been sleeping on a futon mattress, which is quite firm and very uncomfortable.

Because there's only has one bathroom, I get up at 4:30 every morning for my first round of dilating, to ensure that I'm finished before she gets up. I work from 6:30 to 3:30, then head home for round 2, followed by the usual weeknight activities (dinner, getting ready for the next day, etc.).

As the week progresses, the fatigue sets in; by Friday evening I'm wiped out, as my friend A can attest from watching the bags under my eyes grow during our Skype chats during the week. I wish I had enough time to exercise the way I usually do, which would help enormously, but between my schedule, the winter weather, and my annual holiday bout with the flu it simply isn't in the cards at the moment. I'm just walking as much as possible, as time, weather, and my energy on a particular day permit.

I have no complaints about any of this, of course; it is all totally worth it. On occasion, I will step out of the shower, catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and be reminded: "You did it, Cass."

It's a great feeling, as you can imagine, especially knowing how far I've come and how hard I'be worked the past six-plus years. I know that I earned every bit of this. And in the weeks and months to come, as I continue to recover, and am able to resume my normal activities (and begin to have new experiences), I'll be doing so as myself, inside and out, at long last. I can't wait. :c)

I think that will do it for now. I'll do my best to write more, time and energy permitting. Ciao til then, everyone!

***

By the way, that's my sister's dog in the photo at the top of the post, in case anyone is wondering. As you can probably tell, he isn't a fan of winter either (or mornings). :D

***

As you may know, I'll use any excuse to include a track from Pearl Jam, one of my favorite bands. As soon as I started this post, I knew which song I should use. This is "In Hiding," from 1998's Yield album, at the final show of their Binaural tour in their hometown of Seattle, on November 6th, 2000 - a show I was lucky enough to attend. Enjoy!!!

Have a good week, all!

My Nephew C: On the Mend (Thankfully)

Hello all. Just wanted to post a quick followup to my previous post about my nephew C. I'm happy to report that he's home from the hospital.

My sister C, his mother, is a nurse practitioner, which I suspect is why they let C go home, even though he's still quite ill. He's been staying with my parents in his old bedroom, where he can get the rest he needs in his own bed. And my sister lives next door, so she can monitor his condition.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I don't want to violate C's privacy. That said, I can say that I was badly shaken by how sick he was. C is 24 years old, in excellent shape, and in good health overall. It was scary, and quite sobering, to see how quickly his condition deteriorated. I try not to think about what would have happened had my sister not trusted her instincts and gone in to check on him once he had been sick for four days (C lives in Boston, while she lives about a half-hour outside the city).

If you could, please continue to keep C in your thoughts; he's been through a lot, and will likely be recuperating for some time. I'd like to thank Alice, Halle, my colleague M, and my manager L, among others, who have been checking in regularly to ask about C. It means a great to myself, my sister, and to C.

I went over to say hello when he got home from the hospital. We only spoke for a few minutes, as he was exhausted. He told me his mother had passed along the greetings from everyone, and asked me to thank them all on his behalf. I promised I would, but he was dozing off before I finished answering.

I reached over and shut off the light next to his bed, then headed for the door. Just before I closed it I heard his voice:

"Auntie?"

I stopped and turned.

"Hey, C. I'm still here."

"I just wanted to say... you have really good friends, Auntie."

Yes, I do, C. Yes I do.

***

Now that C is home where he belongs, I'm hoping to finally finish my post about Montreal in the next day or two. Have a good week 'til then, everyone. And give your loved ones a hug. Just because.

***

This Greg Brown song, from his 1988 album One More Goodnight Kiss, has been running through my head the past 10 days. You'll understand why when you listen to it. Prepare to be moved:

As a bonus, here's "Daughters," the first Greg Brown song I ever heard, from his second album, 1983's The Iowa Waltz. It was this verse that made - and still makes - the hairs on my neck stand on end:

When my daughter who is tall now was not so tall
One night we were driving home in the truck
And I was sad because I was busted and disgusted
And she looked out the window and said,
"Dad, the moon is coming home with us"
She said, "Dad, the moon is coming home with us"

I'm a man who's rich in daughters
And if by some wild chance I get rich in money
Like another two thou a year, or even one thou a year
I'm gonna look into havin' some more daughters

A Brief Post About My Nephew C

Hi everyone. Just a very brief post to apologize for my recent absence. I'm doing well, and gradually getting my strength back, although I still tire quite easily. I'll write more about that, as well as the long-promised post about my time in Montreal at Dr. Brassard's clinic, very soon.

The reason I haven't posted is because my nephew C (from the Conversations with C series on my blog) has been quite ill the past ten days. I don't want to go into details, out of respect for his privacy, but he was very, very sick. He is improving, thankfully, although he still has a ways to go.

He's been a trouper, as always, but he could really use all of the positive energy you can send his way. He is a remarkable young man, as anyone who's read my posts about him can tell. So, if you could, please keep him in your thoughts; I would be grateful. Thank you, everyone, and have a good week. Hopefully I'll have positive news to post about C very soon. :c)

Hello, and a Terrific Resource to Check Out

Hi everyone, and apologies for the radio silence. I need to keep this brief; I've been frantically busy the past 5-6 weeks, and will be for (hopefully only) another.

Long story short: my landlord, C, who is 91, unfortunately could no longer live by herself. So her family made the difficult position to place her in a nursing home. It's a very good one, fortunately, but it's still quite sad.

As you can imagine, it's quite expensive. As a result, they need to sell her house to pay for her care - which meant that I needed to move, with very little notice (as in, less than a month).

I manged to make it happen (thank you to my best friend F, who was there for me on moving day last Saturday), but it was quite stressful to pull off in just a few weeks. And it necessitated moving Thanksgiving weekend, which is typically a four-day holiday. I am exhausted, as things are quite busy at work right now. Hopefully things will calm down after this week. Fingers crossed.

***

In other news, I wanted to say a few words about a new TS resource that I hope might be useful to some of you. The good folks at Juno Medical, a European healthcare company, kindly asked me if I could let readers of my blog know about a guide they've created with information about GCS.

It's clear they have invested a great deal of thought and care has gone into it, so it is my pleasure to share it with you. Please take a look at the fruits of their labor here:

https://www.junomedical.com/en/sex-reassignment-surgery-guide

Thank you to Tim and all of the lovely folks at Juno Medical for putting this together, and for giving me the honor of sharing it with all of you! I hope you find it to be a valuable resource!

That will do it for this girl for now. I hope to start posting a bit more regularly, so watch this space. :c) Have a good week, everyone...

***

On top of the stress of moving,  I'm still coping with the fallout from our most recent election here in the States. I almost never post about politics here, and only mention it now to say that it makes me even more grateful than usual for what is my very favorite Christmas album of all time: Vince Guaraldi's A Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack. This is "Christmas Time Is Here," one of the lovely originals he composed (along with Lee Mendelson, the special's producer).

So peaceful... thank you, Vince, and thank you, Charles Schulz...

Friday Check-In

Just a brief hello to say I'm working on a longer post, which I should have up in the next day or two. Hopefully it's worth the wait. I've been dealing with insomnia for some time, which partially explains my pensive expression, above. I'm doing my best to just try to take things one day at a time.

More soon. Have a good Friday, everyone...

***

I've been listening to the blues quite a bit lately. First up is "Old Love," a great song co-written by Eric Clapton and Robert Cray, from Clapton's 1989 album Journeyman. For my money it's his best solo album, and this is its best song. The guitar playing, as you would expect, is stellar:

I was shocked to discover that in five years of writing this blog I have never posted a single song from Robert Cray. I've loved his music from the beginning. This is my favorite song by him, "The Last Time (I Get Burned Like This)," from False Accusations, his 1985 album. (Strong Persuader, which features "Smoking Gun," came out in 1986.)

Few songs are as dead-on in capturing the emotional devastation caused by betrayal. He still performs "The Last Time" to this day, and more than does it justice. But it's clear from his performance here, shortly after the album was released, that this song was deeply personal:

His guitar playing is so spare, but so incredibly evocative. Less is quite clearly more in this instance.

I will certainly be posting more from Mr. Cray in future posts. Stay tuned, everyone...

A Brief Check-In

Hello everyone. A very brief post.

I've been dealing with the fallout from two incidents with my family over the past few weeks. I'm not comfortable saying more than that at the moment. But I can say that they have caused me a great deal of pain and heartache - some of the worst of my life. 

I'm currently weighing my options regarding how I move forward. And I *will* be moving forward. I will NOT allow their actions - overt and otherwise - stop me. Enough said for now.

I want to conclude by thanking several people who have gone above and beyond to help me. 

My colleague S has been there when I simply needed to not be alone. Thank you for being there, hon. 

My therapist, M, has twice taken time out of her busy schedule to talk to me on short notice. Her compassion and insight have been invaluable. I will never be able to repay the debt I owe you.

My friend F, who has known me almost literally my entire life, spent an entire afternoon today listening quietly but intently as only he can. 

I can sum up F as a friend by telling you the question he asked as our conversation drew to a close: "What can I do to help you, Cass? Anything I can do, I will." That is a true friend.

Finally, and most of all, thank you to my dear friend Alice. The last six months have been some of the most difficult of my life, and at a time when I had been hurt terribly by someone I loved deeply (and still do, in spite of everything), you have been there for me. Thank you, hon. xoxoxo

Hoping to write more soon. In the meantime, please keep the 50 innocent people murdered by a hateful thug in your thoughts. We live in dark, dark times. The only option, in the words of the great Bruce Cockburn, is to "kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight." Amen.

Cassidy Coughs Up a New Post

Hi everyone! I'm sorry for the extended absence, especially in light of my previous post promising an imminent follow-up. I do have a good excuse, however... honest!

I'm afraid I've been down for the count for nearly two full weeks with the flu. Yes, again, believe it or not. I had a particularly nasty bout with it for nearly a month back in December/January. I was hoping I'd be spared my usual March follow-up visit, but alas, it was simply biding its time.

On the bright side, I didn't get sick until I had just about finished work for the current project at work. It's been a very busy six months. I was also dealing with the fallout I've alluded to in my personal life as well.

I suspect my immune system held off the bug until I could finally take a bit of time. This has happened in the past when I've completed a major project, so it would make sense. I haven't been quite as sick as I was around the holidays, fortunately, but I'm still coping with a persistent cough and seemingly endless congestion.

That said, today was the first day in some time I felt as if I was improving. I'm hoping with the weekend imminent (and good weather as well - it's been a particularly raw and damp spring here in New England) that I can get past this. I am chomping at the bit to go for a run. But I've learned my lesson - better to wait an extra day or two than set off a relapse that puts me right back where I started.

OK, time for this girl to get some rest. In the meantime, here's a quick shot to give you some idea of my current cadaverous pallor:

OK, I really *am* paler than usual at the moment... but not cadaverous like this! Joking aside, isn't the light in this shot wild? Pretty cool, eh?

***

Like many of us, I suspect, I've been listening obsessively to A Moon Shaped Pool, Radiohead's new album. I'm a huge fan, so my opinion is admittedly biased, but I think it's absolutely brilliant. If you haven't already, check out the video for "Daydreaming." The song and the video are stunningly
beautiful:

And from back in the day, here's their ferocious performance of "Paranoid Android" at the 1997 Glastonbury Festival:

Man, are Jonny Greenwood and Ed O'Brien monster guitar players or what?!? I love their more experimental albums, but I know I can put on OK Computer and (particularly) The Bends when I need an energy boost on a run. :c)

And to prove a great song is endlessly adaptable, here are Gillian Welch and Dave Rawlings with a mesmerizing cover of "Black Star":

Dave Rawlings is the best guitarist I have ever seen. Period. And I saw Stevie Ray Vaughan. :c)

Finally, for comparison, here's the original, from 1995's The Bends:

Songs like this show why they frequently merit comparison with Pink Floyd at its most majestic. Just stunning.

Off to bed here. Have a nice weekend, all, and I'll do my best to get to posting weekly again!

Chilled Cass (a/k/a Spring Has Been Sprung)

Chuffed Cass, searching the Internet for where spring went.

Happy Sunday evening from frigid New England. The weather has been crazy here, even by Boston standards. On Thursday and Friday of last week the temperatures reached 70 F (21 C); I wore sandals to work for the first time since last October.

Today? Snow, a high temperature of 32F (0C), and gale force winds (with gusts up to 60 mph/96kph). Tomorrow will be even colder, with half a foot of snow (~15 cm) and more wind. You would never suspect that tomorrow is Opening Day for most major league baseball teams, including personal favorites Boston and Seattle. (Toronto and Pittsburgh, my other two adopted teams, actually opened - and won - their season openers today - yea!)

Anyway, I just wanted to check in and say hello; I'm wiped out after four-plus intense months on both the personal and professional fronts. With a bit of luck the craziness on the professional side peaked last Friday, and should begin to slow down considerably - and not a moment too soon, to be honest.

I promise I'll write more detailed posts soon; at the moment I'm just too worn out at the end of the day, or even on the weekends, to do much more than the cursory posts I've been putting up recently. Thank you for bearing with me, all. :c) Have a good week, everyone...

***

In honor of Opening Day, here's a lovely song by folk singer Chuck Brodsky, "Letters in the Dirt." While the ostensible subject of the song is baseball (and specifically Richie Allen, an outstanding player for the Philadelphia Phillies in the Sixties), it's really a moving meditation on racism, injustice, and childhood innocence.

I'm pretty sure I've posted this next one before, but it's such a great song it deserves to be heard again. Greg Brown's thoughtful "Laughing River," from his 1992 Dream Cafe album, uses baseball as a metaphor for self-acceptance, resilience, and contentment.

This has always felt like a song Gordon Lightfoot could have written, which is high praise indeed. Perhaps it's the chord changes, or that it's set on Michigan's Upper Peninsula; regardless, it's one that is clearly inspired by one of Canada's greatest songwriters, and more than does him justice.

Last but not least, a song that sums up the past few days here - the great Bill Evans (from his classic 1962 Moonbeams album) and "It Might As Well Be Spring." It should, but this certainly helps take the chill out of the air while we wait for it...

Quick Sunday Night Check-in

Hi everyone, and Happy Easter to everyone who celebrates it. Hope the Easter Beagle was good to you today.

Apologies for the gap between posts; I've made it past my major deadline at work, but things are still quite busy with the remaining work for my projects. It isn't difficult, but there's a lot to do. And quite honestly, I'm running on fumes.

It isn't just work, although that is certainly a major factor. I think this deserves its own post, so perhaps I'll save it for the next one. For now, suffice it to say I'm weary. Not tired - weary. I've learned the hard way what happens when I don't listen to my body, so I'm taking steps to address this before it gets out of hand. More to come on that.

I thought I'd end with two songs that are semi-related to Easter. The first is "The End of the World," from U2's Achtung Baby.

While it doesn't get discussed much now, U2 were identified as a Christian band early in their career, with many overt references in their songs. This song, from 1991, is a later example of that influence. The lyrics are a conversation between Jesus and Judas Iscariot, told from Judas's point of view. It is a powerful song from one of their masterpieces:

The Edge's guitar work on this is just astonishing. Such a great song.

The second song is from Robbie Robertson's self-titled debut album from 1987. Like many great songs, "Broken Arrow" is open to interpretation. Robertson is half-Jewish and half-Native Canadian, and the lyrics contain several instances of Native American/Canadian symbolism (a broken arrow is a symbol of peace, while a bottle of rain represents a wish for prosperity for the recipient).

I tried for years to decipher the meaning of this song. Late one night, I suddenly realized that while they could certainly be taken as a love song - and, judging from Robertson's anguished vocals, an intensely personal love song - but also as Jesus talking to God.

Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrow?
Who else is gonna bring you a bottle of rain?
There I go
Moving across the water
There you go
Turning my whole world around

Can you feel what I feel?
Can we make it so that's part of the deal?
I will hold you in these arms of steel
Lay your heart on the line
This time

Can you see what I see?
Can you cut behind the mystery?
Count the beads of sweat that cover me
Can you show me a sign
This time?

Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrow?
Who else is gonna bring you a bottle of rain?
There I go, moving across the water
There you go, turning my whole world around

I'm gonna come when you call
I'll get to you if I have to crawl
I will meet you by the witness tree
Leave the whole world behind
This time

Who else is gonna bring you a broken arrow?
Who else is gonna bring you a bottle of rain?
There I go, moving across the water
There you go, turning my whole world around

Regardless, it is a remarkable song from one of my very favorite albums. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Blast From The (Semi-Recent) Past

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Hello all - another off-day post, since I never got to post one this weekend. Follow along below the fold for a quick update...

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The Grind

Hi everyone. Hope you all had a nice week. I'm going to keep this brief, as I need to work tomorrow (Sunday).

I'm trying to meet a very tight deadline at work, one that is tight because of circumstances beyond my control; accordingly, I've been writing frantically, particularly the past three weeks, to try to make it. I think I'll get everything done in time, but I'm worn to a nub.

I can tell I'm worn out by the kind of mistakes I'm making - silly spelling errors, typos, and forgetting to do routine tasks that I normally do automatically. But the combination of fatigue and racing to get everything done means those tasks aren't routine at the moment.

My personal life is hectic as well, for reasons I don't wish to go into right now. They're necessary, but they require a great deal of driving (4-6 hours on those days), which, as regular readers know, I find to be incredibly stressful and exhausting. But I have no choice in this case, so I simply have to grit my teeth, get through it, and hope it proves to be worth it.

I've been having trouble sleeping since the weekend before Christmas, and it's become a vicious cycle. I typically get this way at the end of a project cycle, but in this case it's exacerbated by the other matters to which I alluded. Even on the nights when I do sleep, I wake up feeling worn out. I get everything done, but it takes everything I have to do so.

I want to stress, once again, that as challenging as this is, and has been, it is still *infinitely* better than my life pre-transition. I am dealing with all of this as myself, and that makes all the difference. I can look in the mirror and like the person I see. That was not the case for most of my life. I earned that peace of mind by working incredibly hard, and I do not take it for granted.

Hopefully things on the work front will slow down somewhat after this week (or possibly the week after), and I will be able to catch my breath, metaphorically speaking, and focus on the big picture. For the moment I'm just focused on getting through each day as best I can. It's all I can do.

Next post I hope to write something a bit more upbeat. It merits its own post, so I will hold off until I get through this stretch and hopefully get some energy back.

Oh, and I realize I've neglected to write about my exercise routine, as I'd promised to do in my first post this year. I've been doing pretty well, given my schedule, my lingering illness at the beginning of the year, and simple fatigue. Once I get through this stretch, and once it's safe for me to run after work again (because the sun is setting later), I'll kick into overdrive again. For now, I'm doing as much as I possibly can. I've learned the hard way - several times - to respect my limits, so I will be careful to think long-term.

Have a good week everyone...

***

I don't think the photo at the top is particular flattering (I know I'm tired when my face is puffy like this, plus I can see the bags under my eyes, in spite of the filters I applied), but the expression seems to capture my mood at the moment. I included it so it will help me sometime in the future when I look back on this time. Hopefully it does the same for others reading this post.

***

I've been listening quite a bit the past few weeks to Nap Eyes, a terrific new band from Nova Scotia. I have some family in the Canadian Maritimes, so I suppose I'm inclined to like them already, but their music stands on its own merits.

This song, "Mixer," is the opening track on Thought Rock Fish Scale, their second album, which was just released a few weeks ago. Nigel Chapman, the band's singer/songwriter, has clearly listened to his Velvet Underground albums, but "Mixer," a quiet, thoughtful song about being alone at a party, shows he has a songwriting voice that is all his own.

She's So Cold

Actually, it's more like she has a cold - because I have my annual holiday flu, alas. :-/

It began Saturday afternoon with a sore throat - as it did at the same time with my Canadian partner-in-crime, Miss April. We now not only finish each other's sentences, laugh at the same off-color jokes while watching Archer, and simultaneously text each other the same awful puns; apparently now we get sick in sync as well. (Thanks a lot, bitch!)

Anyway, it's now at the "even-my-eyebrows-hurt" stage, which hopefully means the worst is nearly over with. On top of that, my voice is utterly shot, as is April's. We were talking last night and finally had to end it early; we couldn't stop laughing about how awful our voices sounded. lol This is pretty close, for those who are curious:

(I love his version, for the record; so much emotion!!!)

I have another post in the works, which I hope to finish in the next few days, health permitting. And April and I are collaborating on our second joint post as well, so prepare yourself for that particular brand of lunacy readers have come to know so well. :D Stay tuned.

In the meantime, a classic from the Stones, circa 1980's Emotional Rescue album:

Tighten(ed) Up

Hi everyone. I want to say thank you to everyone checking in the past few weeks. It means a lot. It's been a long, mentally tiring stretch. 

My therapist helped quite a bit at our session last week. As she always does, she is able to help me look at the big picture. 

Quite honestly, she took me by surprise. I had assumed she would agree with my decision to move on. 

But she did not.

"I know why this hurt you so deeply, and why you feel such terrible sadness," she said.

"But this is where things are at this moment, Cass. Not forever; just for this moment. That's all." 

Her advice was to step back for a bit and give myself a chance to process everything. She helped me see that there has been a great deal of progress - but that it doesn't always occur in a straight line. People make mistakes, get scared, and sometimes don't know what to do. (She was also referring to me when she pointed these things out, needless to say.)

In any case, that is what I'm doing at the moment. Taking a break. Thinking a lot. And remembering why it is worth investing this much time and effort. Some things - some people - are worth it. 

Even when they drive you crazy. 

Maybe especially when they drive you crazy. :c)

***

The title of this post has nothing to do with the previous section. Unfortunately for me, it does have to do with a sore spot - specifically, my lower back. :-/

I had electrolysis last Tuesday after work, as I always do. We were working on my neck - always a great deal of fun, needless to say - and I wound up laying at a slightly uncomfortable angle for about 15-20 minutes. 

It didn't hurt; in fact, I felt fine when I finished the session. It wasn't until I stepped out of my car 20-25 minutes later that I realized my lower back was quite sore.

I never have back problems, fortunately. I'm grateful - and lucky. One of my legs is nearly a half-inche longer than the other, something I only found out a few years ago at a free chiropractic screening at my gym. 

The chiropractor was astounded that I've never had any back problems with such a discrepancy. She attributed it to being slender and exercising regularly to keep my core muscles strong.

In any case, I've had a stiff back since. It was much better by Friday, but still a bit sore. For once I didn't ignore it or try to do too much to soon. I went for several short walks (45 minutes) and one relatively long one (1 hr 45 min) Thursday through Saturday.

Today it felt well enough that I decided to try my first run in a week. If it started to feel even a bit off, I was going to stop.

Happily, it did not. I was able to run six miles, albeit at slightly less than my normal pace, and walk for another hour. Once my muscles loosened up in the chilly weather, my back felt fine. And it still does, five hours later.  Hopefully I'm back on track.

I took the photo above after returning home, btw. Even my hats don't really fit me any longer, oddly enough. I suppose there are worse problems...

Have a good week, everyone. And thank you again.

***

I chose a few songs that seemed to fit this post. Up first is a soul classic from Archie Bell & The Drells - 1968's "Tighten Up":

And here's a song from one of my all-time favorite bands - "She's Tight," from Cheap Trick's terrific 1982 album One on One:

And last but not least, here's The Who with "Slip Kid," from 1975's The Who By Numbers:

This is an underrated album, which is probably inevitable since it followed their two greatest albums, Who's Next (1971) and Quadrophenia (1973). But it's quite good on its own merits. John Entwistle drew the cover, incidentally...

Still Here, Pt. II

Hi everyone. I apologize for my scarcity again. Unfortunately, I've been struggling recently. I haven't been feeling well for several weeks, and I'm afraid it finally caught up with me. 

I prefer not to go into details, but I can say that more than one factor is at work. I went full-time just over a year ago (December 13 2013 was my first full day as myself). It's the best thing I've ever done, and I truly love living as myself at long last.

That said, anyone who's transitioned will tell you that any issues or problems you're dealing with don't magically disappear once you go full-time. That has been the case for me.

Friends had been expressing increasing concern over the past few weeks, until things came to a head last week. Their level of their concern convinced me that I need to address this sooner rather than later. 

And I am. I've come too far, and worked too hard, to do anything else. I'm proud of how far I've come, and how much I've acheived. 

But my work isn't done. There are still things I need to work on. I've already started taking steps to do just that. They won't be solved overnight; they didn't develop overnight, so that's to be expected. 

It's been a long, hard road. And right now I'm tired from the journey. But I know what I've accomplished, and what I've overcome.

When you transition, you learn the importance of determination, and persistence, and taking the long view. They've helped me get where I am. And they're going to help me work through things now. I am going to do what it takes to ensure that 2015 is the best year of my life. Bank on it.

***

I want to thank everyone who has reached out the past few weeks; it means more than you can know. Thank you all. I want to add a particular thank you to my partner-in-crime, April, who has been there - and then some - when I've needed a pick-me-up. Thank you for everything, sweetie. Love you. xoxoxo

If I don't post again before Christmas, I want to wish everyone a happy and safe holiday season, regardless of which holidays you do - or don't - observe. Merry Christmas, everyone.

***

A few songs from one of my all-time favorite Christmas albums, A Charlie Brown Christmas. I never, ever tire of the show itself, or the soundtrack, by the great Vince Guaraldi. It's been a constant source of comfort; this year is no exception. Here's the opening track, "O Tannenbaum":

And his lovely original, "Christmas Time Is Here":

And, finally, "Linus & Lucy":

Happy Holidays, all...

Still Here

Hi everyone. Apologies for my recent low profile. This time of year is not my favorite, for a number of reasons. The past few weeks have been particularly intense and challenging, part of an ongoing stretch that has been the most intense period of my life. 

So much has happened, both good and not-so-good. On balance, it is definitely more on the positive side... but it's been an up and down ride. 

Truthfully, it's been a bit down the past few weeks. I prefer not to go into details, for personal reasons. I can say that I am proud of the progress as I have made in the past 6-7 weeks. That said... that kind of progress doesn't always come without heartache and pain.

I owe a heartfelt thank you to my fellow blogstress April, who was there for me, literally within moments, after a very traumatic experience. She came through in a major way. She understood exactly how I felt; she was able to help me put it in perspective. I will always be grateful to her for that. I love you, hon.

I plan to post again later this week in what I am fairly confident will be a more upbeat post. I have some news I have been wanting to share for some time, and this is the time to do so. I promise I'll try not to be so scarce as we move forward.

Finally, I want to thank Nadine, of Nadine's Spirit, who reached out to me today just to check in. That was a very kind gesture, and is what prompted me to post tonight, on an evening when I ordinarily would not have. Thank you.

***

I posted a few recent pictures just to show that all hasn't been doom and gloom here. My makeup skills are slowly evolving - bearing in mind, of course, that there was, and is, ample room for improvement. :) Kidding aside, I keep working at them, even when I am feeling less than chipper. It's important to have a positive focus at those times, even if it's just practicing makeup.

***

While the season is difficult, I still love Christmas music. Here are a few Christmas instrumentals to round things out.

Toronto's Bruce Cockburn:

Also from Toronto, Barenaked Ladies:

New Hampshire's Ed Gerhard, who has released two gorgeous acoustic guitar Christmas albums:

Hope you found these soothing...

New Video :D

Hi everyone. Things have been moving along - so fast I can barely keep pace. I just made a video to cover some of it. There's more to come - good things, too. But for now, this gets the ball rolling. :-p

Hope everyone has a great weekend! And thank you for being so wonderful! Love you all! xoxoxo