Musings: The Difference

I haven't published anything for a bit, so I thought I'd put this out there. I've been doing well overall. Like everyone, I have good days and not-so-good days, but basically I'm doing OK. 

I'm currently staying with a friend, as I believe I've mentioned previously. He's out of town for a bit, so I've been staying by myself for the past week. That was one of the things that got me into trouble earlier this year; I was far too isolated. I'm making sure that on the days when I don't have a scheduled session that I get out and about. I learned the hard way that being alone too often is a bad idea. 

I try to get out for a walk several times a day. I'm dealing with an issue with my knees that limits how much I can exercise, so I'm careful not to overdo it. My three hour plus walks are a thing of the past, according to my doctor, but it's still important to get out there for both my physical and mental health. And so I do.

One thing I've noticed the past few months is that I'm getting better about advocating for myself. I was extremely withdrawn, often not seeing or speaking another person for days at a time. I was very fortunate I found the strength deep down to ask for help when I reached the tipping point. As I move forward I do my best to make that a habit.

Recently I had an issue with one of my prescriptions, one that I really need. There was an issue on my health care provider's side that resulted in that prescription running out. I reached out several times to request a refill, as did my pharmacy, but we weren't getting any response. Over a week had passed; much too long to be without this prescription.

I had an appointment scheduled to figure out what was going on with my knees, so I drove back to the Boston area the day before. I was staying at my mother's condo, and as I was leaving I told her that I was not going to leave the doctor's office until I got that prescription sorted out.

And I did. As soon my doctor arrived, I asked that we get the prescription issue resolved. Basically there was a mixup on their side, which she was able to correct after a few minutes and submit the order to my pharmacy. I picked it up an hour later on my way back to my mother's.

This might seem like a small thing, but for me, at this time, it represents significant progress. I still struggle at times with anxiety over seemingly trivial matters, but bit by bit I'm able to do what's needed. Each time makes the next time easier. I've come a long way from where I was three months ago, and I'm determined to keep moving forward.

So, not my most eloquent or exciting post lol, but I want to keep writing regularly, so here we are. Hope you're enjoying the weekend; more to come soon!

 ***

I heard this song on the radio recently, which inspired me to write this post. I've always been a big fan of the Wallflowers, Jakob Dylan's band. Their breakthrough album was the classic Bringing Down the Horse, from 1996(!). The first two singles were "Sixth Avenue Heartache" (great song) and "One Headlight." The third was "The Difference."

As a bonus, here's my favorite Wallflowers song, "Three Marlenas." It's about a single woman (or possibly three different women - the lyrics are open to interpretation) presenting different faces to the world as she/they struggle to navigate multiple challenges. Jakob Dylan doesn't rate this song very highly for some reason, but I still find it haunting all these years later.

And one more, added just after I'd initially published this. I was listening to the album for the first time in quite a while just now and heard this great track - "God Don't Make Lonely Girls." Can't believe I'd almost forgotten this one!

That will do it for now; see you soon!

Musings: Lost and Found

 

The photo above is the first selfie I've taken in several years - probably close to five years, now that I think about it. I took it late last week, apparently having decided to forego makeup (and a comb, for that matter 😆), while also wearing a top that is at one size too big for me at the moment. (The clothes are courtesy of my sister C, who told me my previous wardrobe of white t-shirt and leggings - or "that depressing s***", as she referred to it) "had to go - all of it." And go it did.) 

This is pretty much how I look most days, although I happily do wear makeup at least a few days a week. I'm fine without it, but I remember what my sister C says: the days she wears makeup she does it for herself, because it makes her feel good on those days. I'm inclined to follow that way of thinking a lot more often moving forward.

I wasn't feeling very good about myself for a long time, but that is no longer the case, thankfully. I'm still a bit undernourished, the result of barely eating one meal a day, if that, for several months. I'm getting there, though, and enjoying the occasional guilt-free large maple walnut ice cream from Herrell's, an amazing ice cream chain here in Massachusetts. Best ice cream I've ever had. Yum... 🍦

So, I'm grateful to be here and able to write this post, and equally grateful to be slowly rebuilding my life. I did not think I would be here barely five weeks ago, and I am taking things one day at a time. But for the first time in a long while I feel hopeful.

I'm in the process of transcribing what will eventually be several lengthy posts. I needed to write this for a long, long time - and I do mean long. For whatever reason, the trauma I recently went through opened the floodgates. I don't question why the muse appears; I simply thank her and take advantage of the opportunity. I think finishing this once and for all will allow me to tackle other topics that have long been on the creative back burner. Looking forward to seeing what comes out of this. Hope you'll stick around too.

***

I was listening to The Kinks when I took this, and have been listening to them obsessively for quite a bit lately, as I do every year for several weeks at a time. They're one of my favorite bands, and Ray Davies is one of my favorite songwriters. Two songs in particular have been running though my head. 

First up is "State of Confusion," from their 1983 album of the same name. It's a song about modern day life, but the line that resonates with me at the moment is "I'm alive and that can't be bad." True, that. 🙂

The second song is "Lost and Found," a lovely track from their 1986 album Think Visual, an unfairly overlooked album in their catalogue. It's written about a couple in New York City during Hurricane Gloria in 1985 who are enduring two storms, one via Mother Nature and the other of a personal nature. The song ends on a hopeful note, as only Ray can provide:

We were lost and found/And we beat the fear/We came through the storm/Now it all seems clear/We were lost and found/Standing here looking at the new frontier.

Amen to that. See you next time...

Musings: Grow Grow Grow / Long Long Long

Hi everyone. This post evolved quite a bit as I worked on it today. I've had a lot on my mind the past few months, and that came out as I was writing this today. It began as a brief post on my recent visit to the salon, but it soon evolved into something much more involved.

Upon reading it now, I think the two pieces of the post - the original, somewhat light-hearted idea, and the more intensive, soul-searching conclusion - share a common thread: self-worth, and self-awareness. I hope you find it worthwhile.

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The Incredible Shrinking Cass (a/k/a A Little Less of Me)

I'm shrinking.

I just didn't realize it until last night.

Yesterday was the first day that felt like winter here - a cold, soaking rain, 30-40 MPH (48-64 KPH), and temperatures in the lows 40s F (4C). I attended a concert - Bruce Cockburn, a longtime favorite, who was wonderful, per usual. 

I was cold all day. No, scratch that - I was fa-ree-ee-zing. Ever since I started HRT, I spent most months other than June to August shivering. I wore a cami, a long sleeve t-shirt, and a heavy hooded sweatshirt all day - indoors, no less - and I was *still* shivering. (As I write this I'm in bed, wearing a flannel nightgown and huddled under flannel sheets, a blanket, and not one, but two afghans - and I'm *still* shivering.)

So, when I was headed off to the concert, I went to my closet where I store my winter clothes and pulled out the leather jacket I received for Christmas about five years ago.

It's a boy's coat, but I was able to wear it last winter without much of a problem. And it fit fine.

Then I put it on.

Oh.

My.

God.

One thought flashed through my mind: 

I'm shrinking!

I looked like a little girl trying on Daddy's coat! lol

I mean, it just hangs off of me now. And it fit perfectly last winter. Not anymore, clearly.

I wore a pair of capris to work a few days ago. They've fit... well, honestly for most of the year they were, umm, snug.

No longer.

My co-worker R called out to me after I walked past her.

"Those are so loose on you, hon," she says. "You look like a girl wearing her boyfriend's jeans!"

And she was right. Again... they were hanging off me.

I've been running since the beginning of August.

When I began, I could run literally run for one minute before I needed to rest.

Ten days ago I ran for 60 minutes (5.5 miles) without stopping.

I've lost 22 lbs. in three months. And I've lost 32 lbs. since the beginning of March.

My goal is to lose another 15 or so pounds. That will get me back to what I weighed from my junior year in high school until I started this job. Really, what I've weighed for most of my life.

I don't think I realized just how much of an impact the running has had.

Now I do.

This was what sealed the deal (I took these earlier this afternoon):

 

If you told me I would look like this at the beginning of August, I would have laughed at you. I still can't believe it's me. The past few days have been such a revelation. In the best ways.

I'll be writing more about this. But for now, suffice it to say that I'm beginning to see the woman so many people have been telling me they've seen all along.

BTW, this was me wearing the jacket last night:

:#)

More later, everyone. Love you all! xoxoxo

***

A few from Toronto's finest,  Bruce Cockburn.

Here's what's probably his best-known song (in the States, that is). This is "Wondering Where The Lions Are," from his 1979 album Dancing In The Dragon's Jaws:

Another you might know - "Lovers In A Dangerous Time," from 1984's Stealing Fire:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IX4gWkFqvU

And a personal favorite - "January In The Halifax Airport Lounge," from 1975's Joy Will Find A Way: