Greetings all. Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend. It's been one of the strangest winters I can recall here in New England. We started off bitterly cold and with well above average snowfall through mid-January, followed by nearly a month of above-average temperatures.
Then, in the past week, we've twice gone from several days close to 80 F (26.6 C) to snow - in the first case, eight inches (20 cm) of snow the same night(!), all of which was gone barely 36 hours later. Even by New England standards, that is strange.
Just thought I'd post about a few unrelated items. Follow along below the fold for all of the details. :c)
Hi everyone! Hope you're having a pleasant holiday season so far. Things have been quite busy here, between work and moving and various other adventures. I have another post that is about half complete, but I suddenly realized yesterday that I had completely overlooked a major milestone:
Five years of HRT.
:-O
For those of you not overcome by the vapors, follow along below the jump for more!
Hello all! This is a somewhat belated anniversary post. I have been battling the flu for over a week, if you can believe it. I haven't been this sick for nearly three years. Hopefully it's drawing to a close shortly. I am more than ready, believe me.
As mentioned above, this is an anniversary post, albeit a late one. It was four years ago - November 19, 2011 - that I began HRT. It seems both a lifetime ago *and* just moments ago.
I spent Thanksgiving with my dear friends T & J, as I had last year. Amazingly, it was the first time we had been together since, for a variety of reasons. While we all agreed that a year was far too long, an unintended result is the perspective that it brings.
Within minutes of my arrival, both T and J commented on how different I was from the last time they'd seen me. And I knew exactly what they meant.
I have come a long, long way in the past year, particularly in the last few months. Not just in terms of my appearance (although I have seen marked changes on that front), but, far more importantly, in my comfort level and self-confidence.
J echoed something I have heard from a number of people over the past few months: "You aren't apologizing for who you are anymore, Cass; you OWN it. And that makes all the difference."
She was correct: I do know who I am now. And I like who I am. A lot. And it shows.
I'll write more about this, but I see the difference in how people interact with me, and in how I interact with them. Confidence is a funny thing, I will simply say that. :c)
More to come in a future post, but I wanted to acknowledge just how far I've come in a year. And believe me: you ain't seen nothing yet. By this time next year things are going to be even better. I will make it happen. So stay tuned, folks; it's going to be quite a ride! But for now... I need to take another nap. (Stupid flu!) lol
***
A quick thank you to another J for the lovely red blouse I'm wearing in the photo at the top of the post. Thank you, hon - for the blouse *and* the dress! :D
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Jason Isbell has become one of my very favorite songwriters over the past few years. He is the real deal: great singer, songwriter, guitarist... and interpreter. Here is his take on one of the best from Guy Clark, the songwriter's songwriter:
And the master's version:
And one more:
Whew... goosebumps, every time! It really doesn't get any better than that...
Yup, another year gone by! Hard to believe - that I keep thinking up stupid boob-related puns, that is. :)
Kidding aside, this video is about the changes I've seen the past three years - in particular the last three-four weeks. It's pretty remarkable. Hope you agree. :)
***
The Talking Heads song I've forever besmirched with my dumb pun, originally recorded for their classic 1979 album Fear of Music. This version is from the equally good live album, The Name of This Band Is Talking Heads, released in 1982:
Talking Heads are one of those groups I really wish I could have seen live. Alas, I was too young at the time. Their music is as relevant today as it was back in the 70s and early- to mid-80s. Not many artists you can say that about...
That's right, boys and girls, it has been two years (!) since I beganHRT.
That is simply astonishing to me. It simultaneously feels as if it happened an eternity ago - and yesterday. How is that possible?
Follow along, below the fold, for more!
I think the biggest change in the past year has been internal. The single most important event in my transition, in retrospect, happened just before last Christmas, when I finally allowed myself to cry - to really cry.
I wish the circumstances could have been better, but it was absolutely necessary for me to let go. It is no coincidence, I think, that I was addressed as "she" in public - while in boy mode - for the first time not two days later.
That has become a common occurrence, something I still find remarkable. I don't think I look all that different; clearly, others think I do. Just last week my colleague RO told me he didn't recognize me in photos taken just before I started HRT. Given that I am addressed as "Miss," "she," "her," and so on more often than not while out and about - even in boy mode - I have to concede they are on to something I simply cannot see yet.
I suspect it is more than just my appearance, however. The moment I allowed myself to finally cry that day was the moment I think "he" began to let go, and allowed me to become myself. Not two weeks later I marched into a MAC store, unplanned - again, in boy mode - and calmly told a makeup artist I was transsexual, and hoped they could help me.
Two days later they did, giving me a full makeover - at dinner time, on a Friday evening, in the front of the store. I didn't realize it would be like that, but I remember thinking to myself that I have every right to be there; I'm a woman, and I should have been able to do this my entire life.
I sat there for over two hours, in full view of everyone, while the artist worked her magic. (Trust me - it was magic, given how pale and sick I was while recovering from the flu. She did *not* have much to work with. lol)
At one point the manager who had booked the appointment came over and told me she and the other staff members had been watching, and were amazed at how calm I seemed. I admitted I was amazed too. Her immediate reply: "It's because you belong here."
The other major tipping point this year was when I finally spent a day as myself outside my home as myself. Again, I was amazed to realize it felt… normal. Completely, utterly, normal. Even after I outed myself to the very first person I spoke to that day. :#) Cassidy Elizabeth, Mistress of Disguise, foiled again!
I am beyond fortunate that I seem to pass fairly well, given that I have barely begun to master makeup, or had my hair cut properly (it is an unruly mess right now), or learned much about style. I will hopefully improve on these, and other areas, the way I try to do with everything: hard work and practice.
To touch on the physical changes for a moment, the most visible change to me is how fast my hair is growing, particularly in the past few months. It seems to have gone into overdrive for some reason. My back and chest, meanwhile, are nearly clear now, which is pretty remarkable, considering where it was a year ago. (Sorta gross, I know, but there it is.)
I have also been startled by the progress we have made in my electrolysis sessions, especially the past month or two. I haven't shaved my face since last Thursday (sigh), but it was only today that it is noticeable. The discomfort is beginning to pay dividends - yea!!!
As I wrote yesterday, I cannot wait until I am full-time (24 days and counting!). I am wondering if lifting the constant strain of trying to pretend I am someone I am not will be noticeable. My therapist has said I have no idea what an enormous burden it is, and will not know it until it is gone.
I know I cannot wait to see what changes the next year brings, physically, emotionally, and otherwise. I am determined to get back on track to exercising regularly after nearly two years of assorted illnesses, injuries, and other woes. It is really important to me, and when I make up my mind to do something, I do not let anything stop me. On this date next year I am going to be in the best shape of my life. Book it. :c)
I will end with a huge thank you to everyone who has helped me in more ways than they can ever know, or I can ever repay. That includes both my dear online friends, those of you in my life offline, and of course my sister and nephew C.
Calie, Halle, Becca, Jenna, Leslie… you have been, and continue to be, an inspiration and a source of comfort. The same goes for Jen (from Jenesis), Debra, Faline, and others who are either no longer online or are living their lives as themselves.
A special shout out to Kelli, Stace, and, especially, April, for your unwavering support and friendship. I cannot imagine how I managed without you in my lives before this. (Or, to put it another way... where the hell were all of you before this?!?) ;-p OK, no more snark. I love you all more than I can ever express. :') Thank you SO, SO much!
Thank you for joining me on the ride so far! Cannot wait to see where it takes us next year!
***
Just wanted to post a brief note about the title. There is a story to it that involves (of course) April.
She decided earlier this year that she and I clearly merited our own sitcom, given our shared unique (read: weird) sense of humor and warped view of reality.
I have learned to humor her in situations like this, so I played along.
A: "This could be really great for both of us, Cass!"
C: "Um… okay. So, what's your plan?"
A: "Well, first we take the nation's TV screens by storm. Then, once you and I are America's sweethearts at the end of our first season, we use that as leverage."
C (confused): "Leverage for…?"
A (indignant): "Our boob jobs? What else?"
C: "Oh, of course."
A: "We get Victoria's Secret to sponsor it. And we show both of our surgeries on live television! I'm thinking one-hour special."
C: "One hour? Have you looked at either of our chests?!? We're both flatter than a Utah dessert, hon."
A (after a moment): "That's true, isn't it?"
C: "Better tell them to make it a mini-series."
So there it is. Let me say, here and now, for the record:
Fear not, for we shall both forever remember all of you little people once our inevitable rise to stardom begins.
Or... maybe not. (Hey, those all-night bacchanals at Brangelina's won't attend themselves, you know.) Perhaps we'll just hire someone to remember for us…
Anyway, that's the story behind it. (You're welcome.)
Oh, what was our second proposed title, by the way? Why, here it is:
The Bold & The Boobless
Send us you cards and letters to let us know what you think!
***
Just thought I would repost some pics, plus one new one, for easy reference in case anyone is interested.
June 2011:
November 19, 2011 (HRT day 1):
June 2012 (eight months):
November 19, 2012 (HRT, one year):
July 6, 2013:
July 20, 2013:
July 27, 2013:
August 3, 2013:
This is my favorite so far, which is why I put it at the top as well. This is how I wish I looked all the time! :c)
October 20, 2013:
November 19, 2013:
I deliberately took one the night before HRT, to show the difference between my beard now, after 14 months of electrolysis, and the day I began, above.
I had shaved *that* morning in the picture taken on 11.19.11, if you can believe it. And in this picture, I last shaved… five days ago. I find that encouraging. :c)
(For the record: I *am* not topless in this picture, nor am I any of the others that make me *look like* I am, er, unclad. :#) The "girls" are simply not yet up to the task of holding up some of my nighties. Honest! Guess I need to ask Santa for a bathrobe...)
Really looking forward to seeing how I look a year from now! Curious to see if the changes are mostly over, or if they still continue. Should be interesting either way...
***
As a full service blog, I wanted to post the following link, courtesy of The Onion, as a public service. It offers some useful tips for we girls in the workplace. I hope you find it as enlightening as yours truly did:
Watch and learn, girls, watch and learn. (I particularly like # 2, incidentally.)
***
I would be remiss not to include something from one of my long-standing favorites, so I shall go back to Pearl Jam, and a couple of deep cuts that I have always loved.
First, this gorgeous, haunted gem (and perhaps my favorite PJ song) from 1996's underrated No Code album:
Eddie Vedder has since admitted he wrote this about himself, detailing his struggles to deal with the massive fame thrust upon the band in general, and him in particular, after their first three albums. Happily, both he and the rest of the band seem to have survived - and prospered.
From 1998's Yield (also an underrated album, imho), here's "Wishlist." It began as a lark in the studio, but quickly became a favorite of both the band and their fan base.
I always liked the ambiguity of the song's final verse:
I wish I was your favorite song
The one that you can't turn off
I wish I wish I wish I wish
I guess it never stops
That last line could be taken several ways; is he saying he will never stop wishing (in a way that implies he will never be satisfied)? Or is he wishing that his/her favorite song goes on forever?
I suspect it is the former, since he made a small but telling change to the final line when I saw them at the final show on their 2000 tour in Seattle:
I wish I wish I wish I wish
I guess my list goes on
That always struck me as a more hopeful ending. He isn't resigned to feeling he can never be satisfied; instead, he is looking forward, hopeful about what is ahead that might bring joy. I have always preferred this ending. :-)
I have a longer post I need to write (I know I keep saying that, but it's true!). However, since my posts have been few and far between recently, I thought I'd fire off a few short - and fun - ones in the meantime.
As a big fan of the late, lamented, My Name Is Earl, I am a believer in karma.
For those of you unfamiliar with the show, Earl was a thirty-something petty thief. After winning $100,000 in the lottery, he is promptly hit by a car while celebrating. In the hospital he becomes a firm believer in karma the way most of us do: he hears about it while watching Carson Daly in a morphine-induced stupor.
To turn his life around, he puts together a list of every bad thing he has ever done and every person he has hurt and vows to make amends. Each episode dealt with his attempt to cross another item off his list.
My list, thankfully, isn't as long as Earl's. But I do have one, as karma occasionally reminds me.
This isn't the long-delayed post I have been threatening for the last few weeks; I got sidetracked in an email exchange with a friend. Amazing how three hours can pass by when you become friends with a fellow music obsessive. :c) We may wind up blowing our transition budgets on all of the new albums we discussed (yes, we're both of sufficient vintage to listen to albums)…
But, as I do so often when I get going on music, I digress. lol So here's what is happening in my little corner of the world.
I've come to realize that I find out how I feel by writing.
I often start my posts with no clear idea of what I'm writing about (and usually end them the same way, I'm sure some feel!), but at some point all of sudden something clicks, and I get "it" - whatever "it" is.
Whoa. It's hard to believe it's six months already. As I said about the one year anniversary of my decision to transition, it simultaneously seems as if it's both eons ago and this instant.
Just a roundup of the goings-on the past few weeks here in Cass's corner of the world. It has been/will be pretty frantic for the next month or so. But a good frantic. :c)
I'll begin this by noting that I received my confirmation letter from my new employer this afternoon, which I promptly signed and sent winging back via cyberspace. OK, fax. Close enough. Anyway, I'm officially employed again - which merits another "Yea!!!" methinks. :c)
Now, back to our regularly scheduled blog post. No major revelations in this one (I can hear the sighs of relief already); I just thought I'd blather on a bit about the changes I've noticed after three and a half months on HRT.
Aslightly belated Happy New Year! Things have been a bit hectic in Kelly's corner of the universe the past few weeks. Not a bad hectic, for the most part, but still hectic.
In the not-so-good department, my car was hit a few days before Christmas - on my way to my HRT doctor's office, as a matter of fact. This is the fifth time this car has been hit (I've been the hittee, not the hitter, in each instance). My brother, who's a cop, is baffled; as he noted, I'm a careful driver, and he can't figure out how I keep having such bad luck.
The other driver was very apologetic and admitted it was his fault, which helped ease the aggravation a bit. I've had to replace every door and quarter panel at least once since I bought this car back in 1998. Other than seeming to have a target painted on it, this car hasn't given me a second of trouble since I bought it. I just got it back, good as new (or close to it, I suppose). They even detailed it for me for nothing; must've felt guilty making so much money off of all of these repairs! ;c) Here's hoping I've finally expunged any remaining bad driver karma from this car for the rest of its life.
.tiff)
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