The photo above is the first selfie I've taken in several years - probably close to five years, now that I think about it. I took it late last week, apparently having decided to forego makeup (and a comb, for that matter 😆), while also wearing a top that is at one size too big for me at the moment. (The clothes are courtesy of my sister C, who told me my previous wardrobe of white t-shirt and leggings - or "that depressing s***", as she referred to it) "had to go - all of it." And go it did.)
This is pretty much how I look most days, although I happily do wear makeup at least a few days a week. I'm fine without it, but I remember what my sister C says: the days she wears makeup she does it for herself, because it makes her feel good on those days. I'm inclined to follow that way of thinking a lot more often moving forward.
I wasn't feeling very good about myself for a long time, but that is no longer the case, thankfully. I'm still a bit undernourished, the result of barely eating one meal a day, if that, for several months. I'm getting there, though, and enjoying the occasional guilt-free large maple walnut ice cream from Herrell's, an amazing ice cream chain here in Massachusetts. Best ice cream I've ever had. Yum... 🍦
So, I'm grateful to be here and able to write this post, and equally grateful to be slowly rebuilding my life. I did not think I would be here barely five weeks ago, and I am taking things one day at a time. But for the first time in a long while I feel hopeful.
I'm in the process of transcribing what will eventually be several lengthy posts. I needed to write this for a long, long time - and I do mean long. For whatever reason, the trauma I recently went through opened the floodgates. I don't question why the muse appears; I simply thank her and take advantage of the opportunity. I think finishing this once and for all will allow me to tackle other topics that have long been on the creative back burner. Looking forward to seeing what comes out of this. Hope you'll stick around too.
***
I was listening to The Kinks when I took this, and have been listening to them obsessively for quite a bit lately, as I do every year for several weeks at a time. They're one of my favorite bands, and Ray Davies is one of my favorite songwriters. Two songs in particular have been running though my head.
First up is "State of Confusion," from their 1983 album of the same name. It's a song about modern day life, but the line that resonates with me at the moment is "I'm alive and that can't be bad." True, that. 🙂
The second song is "Lost and Found," a lovely track from their 1986 album Think Visual, an unfairly overlooked album in their catalogue. It's written about a couple in New York City during Hurricane Gloria in 1985 who are enduring two storms, one via Mother Nature and the other of a personal nature. The song ends on a hopeful note, as only Ray can provide:
We were lost and found/And we beat the fear/We came through the storm/Now it all seems clear/We were lost and found/Standing here looking at the new frontier.
Amen to that. See you next time...
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