I promised I would have something much less intense - and more uplifting - than the most recent group of posts, and here it is. 🙂
Two defining traits of anyone who transitions are determination and perseverance. It was my good fortune to learn that these traits ran in my family and that, I, too, could learn them for myself. This is the story of my Aunt B, a hot summer, lessons in math and life, the Boston Red Sox, and hot fudge sundaes - not necessarily in that order. 🙂 Follow along below the fold.
Merry Christmas Eve, all. Hope your holiday preparations are proceeding apace.
Still recovering from my broken ribs here, which are putting a serious crimp in my ability to... well, do much of anything, really, but particularly to breathe, walk, and sleep. Oh well. All you can do is give them time to heal, so that's what I'm doing. Sitting still is hard, but you do what you have to do.
Unfortunately, my nephew is dealing with his health issues again. He's had a rough go of it this year, so please keep him in your thoughts. He's seeing a specialist this afternoon (the doctor kindly agreed to see him on short notice), so hopefully she can start to sort out what has been happening. Fingers crossed that 2019 will be a better year for him.
I thought I'd share some Christmas songs for the rest of this post for your listening pleasure. Here's hoping your Christmas Eve is as peaceful as the one Calvin & Hobbes are enjoying, above, and that Santa brings you exactly what you want. Merry Christmas, one and all.
***
First up are Blue Rodeo, a longtime personal favorite, performing a rocking version of "O Come All Ye Faithful" from a CBC Christmas Eve special a few years ago:
Here's a lovely take on "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas' fromBlue Rodeo's Jim Cuddy and Kathleen Edwards:
Next, a haunting, minor key version of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" from T-Bone Burnett. Although these days he's best known as a producer, he's a terrific songwriter/performer in his own right (check out his brilliant 1983 Proof Through the Night album sometime), as you can hear here:
Finally, a gorgeous, melancholy instrumental titled, appropriately enough, "Christmas Eve," courtesy of Scotland's great Teenage Fanclub. This is a cover version, incidentally; the original is from Welsh band Gorky's Zygotic Mynci (say that five times fast), whose version is equally pretty:
Once again, Merry Christmas to you and yours, everyone...
Hello, and a Happy pre-Christmas Thursday to everyone. Hope you're already on vacation, or will be after tomorrow.
Yours truly is working, and will be next week as well. It's been frantic at work the past few months (more so than usual), and exhausting, so you do what you have to do. The bright side, such as it is, is that no one is in the office, so I can get a lot done without interruption.
There is one complication, however:
I broke two ribs last night. :c(
Or, to be completely accurate, I broke two ribs again last night.
Hello all. Hope you're having a good December so far. This isn't my favorite time of year, although it used to be. It brings to mind painful memories of broken promises, lies, and betrayal. This December has been harder than usual for some reason. But I'll get through it. I've come too far and worked too hard.
And on that note, I just wanted to put up a brief post today to commemorate one of the most important days of my life.
Five years ago today - December 13, 2013 (Friday the 13th, incidentally) is the day I went full time.
It simultaneously feels like yesterday and a thousand years ago - in a good way. And while I'm going through a less than pleasant period at the moment, I'm doing it as myself. And that makes it all worthwhile. I wouldn't trade my life now for anything I had back then. I think the two photos below - the first taken the day I started HRT (November 19th, 2011) and the second taken this evening, December 12th, 2018 - tell the story far better than any words I can conjure up:
And here I am five years ago to the day on the left, and today on the right:
A lot has changed since then - including my address (several times), hair color (once), boob size (OK, not so much), and, of course, plumbing (absolutely only once!).
(I also put on some weight, as you can see - a combination of prolonged, involuntary inactivity, a much-busier-than-usual work schedule, and the side effects of medication I was taking. But no excuses. I weighed the same from high school until just before my surgery in September 2017, and I am going to get back to my normal weight. I'm hard at work on it, every day. And I'll succeed (in fact, I'm already on my way, in the past three weeks since I started in earnest). I know now I can do anything I put my mind to. Posting these pics is one way to hold myself to that when I'm tired at the end of the day and need a reminder of my goal. In six or so months I plan to be back to my normal weight. Book it.)
What will the next five years bring? Who knows? But I'm looking forward to finding out. See you back here on December 13, 2023. :c)
***
By the way, for anyone wondering where the title of this post comes from, I refer you to the Book of Armaments, Chapter Two, verses 9-21:
***
In the spirit of the season, a few Christmas songs from two wonderful new holiday albums, by The Mavericks and The Old 97s, respectively. Check them out; they're both terrific bands who get a lot of airplay here in Cass's Little Corner of the World.
And to end on a more contemplative note, here's Kate Bush's 1979 classic, "December Will Be Magic." First, a live version, from her Christmas special that year:
And last but not least, the single version, which is as lovely as its singer:
Hope to post at least once more before Christmas. Have a lovely holiday season (whichever you observe) in the meantime, everyone.
Hello, and Happy Pre-Christmas Eve, everyone. Hope you have all finished your holiday shopping, and been good girls and boys. (I plead the Fifth, personally.)
I've been dressing in seasonal colors the past few days, starting with a green dress on Wednesday and a white blouse and red maxi-skirt yesterday. Today I went with my red blazer, above. (If you look closely you can spot the green scrunchie holding up my ponytail too.)
This is just a brief post about my adventures last weekend, and not the second of the promised pair of posts mentioned recently. I hope to finish that one tomorrow, lest I further tempt fate with Santa. Read on below the fold for all of the details. :-p
Depends on who you ask, actually. [coughcough] ;-p
Actually, I have been naughty; I have several long-in-development posts that I need to finish. I promise, Santa, I will get them done as soon as possible! (No promises on any other mischief I may get into, however. [insert evil grin here]) ;-p
Meanwhile, I'll be here practicing my innocent look:
***
Paul Kelly, who is rightly considered a national treasure in his native Australia but is criminally overlooked Stateside, is the author of this wonderful, moving, and utterly unique Christmas song: "How to Make Gravy." While he does, indeed, tell you how to make gravy, it's about much, much more. This is a gem. :D
No one but Paul Kelly could have written this - and thank goodness for the rest of us that he did. :c)
Here are a few others from his vast catalog of great songs. First up, we have "Before Too Long," from 1986:
Next up is "If I Could Start Today Again," from 2002:
If you appreciate great songwriting, he has a terrific anthology called Songs from the Southland that is the perfect introduction to this wonderful artist.
Hi everyone - hope you are all having a wonderful pre-holiday week.
I'm a bit under the weather here, unfortunately; I was sick with a particularly nasty case of the flu at Thanksgiving (late November), and my fear is that it's paying a return visit. On that note, I will keep this post brief.
If you can believe it, I celebrated my second anniversary of living full-time about a week and a half ago. It feels as if it just happened and as if it was a million years ago. My life now has its share of challenges, but as a dear friend once said, my worst day as myself is infinitely better than my very best trying to pretend to be "him."
I find my connection to "him" is receding more and more. It's hard to put into words, but while I remember my life before transitioning, I find it increasingly difficult to relate to it. II never really was that person; I suppose it makes sense that I would begin to lose the connection with "him" once I was finally able to live as myself.
I would like to write more, and hopefully will, but for now I just want to say that these two years have been incredibly challenging and incredibly rewarding.
I have learned so much about myself, particularly over the past few months. I have discovered heretofore unknown measures of self-confidence and strength and courage. All of the hard, hard work I have put in is paying off. It was, and is, totally worth the struggle.
I am proud to say that I have never tried to take the easy way out. I told myself I was going to work as hard as I can to have a successful transition, and I was not going to allow fear to dictate my life. And I have done so, and then some. And now I am beginning to reap the rewards of choosing to believe in myself, and to believe that I deserved to be happy living the life I want as myself.
Next year is going to be the biggest year of my life. I am taking steps on several fronts to make it so. I will be writing about it in the weeks to come. Promise. I want to have a record of this period of my life so I can look back later and reflect on what it was like in the moment. So stay tuned. I cannot wait to begin the next phase of my journey.
I will end with a few pictures of myself , beginning with the day I went full-time in 2013(!), and my subsequent one- and two-year anniversaries. Photographs can only tell a piece of the story, but I think you will be able to see evidence of how far I have come in those two years.
December 2013:
December 2014:
December 2015:
For anyone reading this who is thinking of transitioning, I hope these pictures offer proof that if you are willing to work hard and believe in yourself, you CAN make your dream come true. (Then again, perhaps you may choose to view them as a cautionary tale. lol Regardless, I hope they help. :D)
***
I would be remiss if I didn't include a Christmas song or two, and I think I've picked two tracks guaranteed to put you in the mood.
Here are Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings with a spine-tingling version of "Silent Night," off their wonderful new Christmas album It's A Holiday Soul Party:
As Stephen Colbert notes in his introduction, the entire album really is this good. :c)
Next is one from a personal favorite, Bruce Cockburn, and his lovely take on the story of Christmas from his classic 1991 album Nothing But A Burning Light:
I was perusing my photo library today, and thought it might be interesting to post a timeline of myself over the past five Christmas Eves. I know I've changed, although others clearly see just how much far more than I do - or can. In any case, here we go...
2010 (note the goatee):
2011 (1 month on hormones):
2012 (13 months on hormones; I was sick as a dog when this was taken):
2013 (25 months on hormones, 10 days after going full-time):
2014 (three years on hormones, just over one year full-time; this was taken a few weeks ago):
I included this one with my hair down for comparison, even though I usually pull it back into a ponytail.
It's been growing like weeds the past year - although being wavy/curly, it had to grow out before it started to grow down. It's also become much thicker (and it was fairly thick to begin with), which is quite unusual, I think.
I plan to let it grow as long as I can; fortunately, my stylist tells me it will keep growing, and that it should look OK as it does. I can't wait until I can put it up in a bun. Perhaps by next Christmas Eve? I guess we'll see.
In any event, I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. Thank you all for your friendship...
***
One of the great Christmas songs, "Christmas In New York," courtesy of The Pogues and the late Kirsty MacColl. This is a terrific live version from 1988:
Hi everyone. I apologize for my scarcity again. Unfortunately, I've been struggling recently. I haven't been feeling well for several weeks, and I'm afraid it finally caught up with me.
I prefer not to go into details, but I can say that more than one factor is at work. I went full-time just over a year ago (December 13 2013 was my first full day as myself). It's the best thing I've ever done, and I truly love living as myself at long last.
That said, anyone who's transitioned will tell you that any issues or problems you're dealing with don't magically disappear once you go full-time. That has been the case for me.
Friends had been expressing increasing concern over the past few weeks, until things came to a head last week. Their level of their concern convinced me that I need to address this sooner rather than later.
And I am. I've come too far, and worked too hard, to do anything else. I'm proud of how far I've come, and how much I've acheived.
But my work isn't done. There are still things I need to work on. I've already started taking steps to do just that. They won't be solved overnight; they didn't develop overnight, so that's to be expected.
It's been a long, hard road. And right now I'm tired from the journey. But I know what I've accomplished, and what I've overcome.
When you transition, you learn the importance of determination, and persistence, and taking the long view. They've helped me get where I am. And they're going to help me work through things now. I am going to do what it takes to ensure that 2015 is the best year of my life. Bank on it.
***
I want to thank everyone who has reached out the past few weeks; it means more than you can know. Thank you all. I want to add a particular thank you to my partner-in-crime, April, who has been there - and then some - when I've needed a pick-me-up. Thank you for everything, sweetie. Love you. xoxoxo
If I don't post again before Christmas, I want to wish everyone a happy and safe holiday season, regardless of which holidays you do - or don't - observe. Merry Christmas, everyone.
***
A few songs from one of my all-time favorite Christmas albums, A Charlie Brown Christmas. I never, ever tire of the show itself, or the soundtrack, by the great Vince Guaraldi. It's been a constant source of comfort; this year is no exception. Here's the opening track, "O Tannenbaum":
And his lovely original, "Christmas Time Is Here":
Hi everyone. Apologies for my recent low profile. This time of year is not my favorite, for a number of reasons. The past few weeks have been particularly intense and challenging, part of an ongoing stretch that has been the most intense period of my life.
So much has happened, both good and not-so-good. On balance, it is definitely more on the positive side... but it's been an up and down ride.
Truthfully, it's been a bit down the past few weeks. I prefer not to go into details, for personal reasons. I can say that I am proud of the progress as I have made in the past 6-7 weeks. That said... that kind of progress doesn't always come without heartache and pain.
I owe a heartfelt thank you to my fellow blogstress April, who was there for me, literally within moments, after a very traumatic experience. She came through in a major way. She understood exactly how I felt; she was able to help me put it in perspective. I will always be grateful to her for that. I love you, hon.
I plan to post again later this week in what I am fairly confident will be a more upbeat post. I have some news I have been wanting to share for some time, and this is the time to do so. I promise I'll try not to be so scarce as we move forward.
Finally, I want to thank Nadine, of Nadine's Spirit, who reached out to me today just to check in. That was a very kind gesture, and is what prompted me to post tonight, on an evening when I ordinarily would not have. Thank you.
***
I posted a few recent pictures just to show that all hasn't been doom and gloom here. My makeup skills are slowly evolving - bearing in mind, of course, that there was, and is, ample room for improvement. :) Kidding aside, I keep working at them, even when I am feeling less than chipper. It's important to have a positive focus at those times, even if it's just practicing makeup.
***
While the season is difficult, I still love Christmas music. Here are a few Christmas instrumentals to round things out.
Toronto's Bruce Cockburn:
Also from Toronto, Barenaked Ladies:
New Hampshire's Ed Gerhard, who has released two gorgeous acoustic guitar Christmas albums:
Happy New Year, everyone. Hope the holidays were good for everyone.
I am still here. But I will not sugarcoat things: the past two weeks, particularly Christmas week, have been the most painful and draining of my life.
I touched on some of what happened with my family in my posts just before Christmas. I learned even more about what happened in the next few days (I spent the holidays apart from my parents and my brother's family) from my sister, who visited me Christmas night with my nephew C.
I will write about the family matters soon, but suffice it to say it confirms everything I suspected, or, really, that I knew all along.
Right now I am as exhausted as I have ever been, other than when I was recovering from mono several years ago. But this is close. I slept for nearly 20 hours on Saturday. Last night I came down with a nasty stomach bug that is going around, and missed work. I slept from about 8:00 AM until nearly 5:00.
I've been meeting regularly with my therapist the past few weeks; we met three times last week, at her suggestion. I'm glad we did. She is concerned about how exhausted I am. I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for next week, and I will discuss matters with her at that time.
I carried over a week of vacation with the intent of using it for a trip in the next few months, but I may need to use it before then simply to… well, do nothing. I really want to save it… but not at the expense of getting really sick.
In spite of the enormous heartache and loss of the past two weeks - and as far as I am concerned I am done with my brother and sister-in-law - I am proud of myself. The past two weeks were the culmination of the two and half hardest years of my life.
And I survived.
In fact, I grew enormously. (Well, OK, not my boobs or butt; you can't have everything, I suppose.)
"He" could never have stood up to my parents, or my brother, the way I did. Nor could he have resolved to take the high road no matter what they chose to say or do - and then followed through.
But I did.
I am bruised and battered… but I am done with the worst of it, I suspect.
I will write a new post about my new year's resolution soon. Essentially, it is this:
I am now going to focus on ME.
I am going to get in the best shape of my life.
I am going to learn how to look my best.
And I am going to embrace my new life.
Because I earned it.
Look out, 2014.
Here comes Cass!
:D
***
I've used this song before, but it's such a perfect song for new beginnings I am going to post it again. Also, you can never have too much of the Kinks in your day!
So… here's wishing you all the bluest skies. Oh, and the very best of choruses, too. :c)
As anyone reading this blog knows via my endless selfies the past few weeks :c), I had my hair done several weeks ago.
However, I did *not* mention (other than a brief mention in a reply to Becca's comment) my visit's other highlight (no pun intended) - the person sitting next to me.
Given how somber my last post was, I thought it only proper to follow up with something much more upbeat. Also, I literally did not sleep a wink last night, and do not currently have the wherewithal to write something from scratch. :-/
A surprising number of people have started following my blog this past year. (P.S. I'm sorry). :-p The majority of them quickly - and wisely - opted not to slog through two-plus years of angst, misguided attempts at humor, and questionable fashion and hairstyle-related decisions.
Nonetheless, buried amongst the dross there are a few posts that only make me cringe a little bit. I beg your indulgence in letting me share one of those posts again.
Oddly enough, I wrote it two years ago to this very day - December 23, 2011. It's about my favorite Christmas ever, when I was nine years old. I think it helps paint a fuller picture of my family - such as we were - when I was growing up.
I am still very pleased with how this turned out. While my current Christmas has turned into a bit of an adventure, I promise that this post has a happy ending. :c)
I wanted to share a pic I took after work today. This is my first effort with my new curling iron that did not result in: a) a visit from the fire department, b) a trip to the local trauma center for burns, and/or c) a more than passing resemblance to Little Orphan Annie. :D
But here - judge for yourself!
Not bad for my first serious attempt. I even received a compliment about it!
I was walking into Starbucks this evening just as an older gentleman was trying to open the door and balance a tray with four cups of coffee.
He gave me a grateful smile when I ran up and held the door open for him.
"Thank you, Miss," he said. "Polite, pretty, *and* a redhead - it's my lucky day!"
My face matched my hair as he wished me a Merry Christmas! :#)
***
Again, I wanted to share a few of my favorite humorous Christmas-related clips and songs from the past two years for anyone who hasn't seen them yet.
And also for those who have seen them, but still love a good laugh. :c)
First, a Liberace Christmas, with a guest appearance from the great (and hungry - watch that turkey at the end of the sketch!) Orson Welles:
Next up we have Christmas music done Muppets-style, starring the eternally put-upon Beaker:
If ever there was an eternal optimist, however, it is Beaker. No matter how much evidence there is to show his faith is totally unjustified. :D
Last but not least, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is reinterpreted for the 21st century - courtesy of Martin Scorsese:
April's observation from last year remains a propos: "Like I always say: never trust an elf."
True that. :-p
Coming up next: Cass meets Santa - in the salon!!!
I am emotionally drained at the moment, so I will apologize in advance if the tone of this post is somewhat skewed. But I need to write it before I can go to sleep.
I finally met with my parents today, about the events I've discussed in my recent posts. I may or may not go further into them at another time, but for now I will just cover the basics.
It was stormy, it was ugly, and it was raw.
It was, in short, everything I predicted would happen.
It finally ended with what must suffice for now as an "acceptable" outcome - and, most important, with my integrity and dignity intact.
More below the fold.
(Don't be afraid - it isn't *all* doom and gloom… just most of it. :-))
My recent posts have been quite somber, and I am still under the weather nearly a week after coming down with the flu. Things with my family are far from perfect, and the big confrontation is likely days away.
All of the above is true; there is a great deal of turmoil in my life right now.
But that is not all there is.
Life is rarely just one thing - thankfully, in this case.
Sometimes there is humor - even if it shows just how deeply, totally uncool you truly are.
And as proof, a short anecdote about last night. It involves - who else? - April. :c)
April texted me yesterday morning asking if I wanted to chat on the phone later that evening.
While I knew nearly 90% of the conversation would rotate around cars - luckily, she has to pause for oxygen from time to time - I said sure.
When the appointed hour came, and I texted Miss A.
No reply.
I tried again 30 minutes later.
Again, nothing.
I tried a third time.
Same result.
Finally, I sent a short text saying I was calling it a night shortly and wishing her pleasant dreams.
This time she replied.
She had fallen asleep for several hours after getting home from work.
No problem, I replied. We can make it tomorrow night, OK?
Tomorrow?!? she replied instantly. I was really hoping we could talk tonight.
Asleep for two hours with no mention of cars; she's in withdrawal, I thought to myself. God… she is such a dork! Sure, no problem, I replied.
It can be like a brief pre-conference hello, she texted back.
Being a super-cool, with-it, impress-the-guys student of history, I immediately thought of a witty reply:
Alas, yours truly is not partaking of the holiday festivities. :c( My semi-annual bout with the flu hit me like a sledgehammer on Sunday night. I only get sick twice a year: once between Thanksgiving and New Years, and once again in March. However, they make up in intensity what they lack in frequency.
I felt perfectly fine all day Sunday. I went to the gym, ran some errands, and dropped some Christmas presents off at my brother's house. I then went home to cook my dinner.
Almost as soon as I took off my coat I began sneezing uncontrollably. Within minutes I was so sick that even my eyebrows hurt. Ugh.
I managed to drag myself through the day yesterday, but I fell asleep several times during my brother's Christmas Eve party. While driving home I was shivering so badly that I had to pull over; I couldn't keep a grip on the wheel.
I woke up several times during the night and was forced to change my pajamas and the sheets on my bed twice; they were drenched with perspiration.
Today I slept most of the day and feel slightly better, but I'm in no shape to go anywhere. Fortunately my mother promised to save me a plate; hopefully I'll feel well enough to pick it up tomorrow and to open up my gifts.
It's a bit depressing to be home alone today, but what can you do? I can say that 2012 cannot end soon enough for this girl. And I sincerely believe 2013 is going to be much, much better. I can't wait to see what progress I've made by next Christmas.
I hope you all are enjoying the day, and that Santa was good to all of you! For now, I am off to bed again, with some help from the Beatles and Beach Boys to help speed up the process.
And here are some parting thoughts, and my wish for all of you, courtesy of Jill Sobule's lovely cover of Warren Zevon's "Don't Let Us Get Sick":
I completed my tasks for the week (other than some minor cleanup work on a file I need to finish sometime over the weekend) and left for home just shy of 4:30.
It was such a weight off my shoulders that I didn't even mind that it took me an hour, rather than the customary 20 minutes.
Thank you again to everyone who commented and called and texted and listened this week. I would not have made it without all of you. I feel quite fortunate.
***
Although it's technically vacation time, I'm afraid there's one last quiz we all have to take.
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