Following Up/Random Thoughts

Feeling a bit better than I did yesterday after my ill-advised jaunt in the heat here. I feel out of sorts, but nothing too, too bad. It's just as hot here today - hotter, actually, since the humidity increased.

And no, I will not be hoofing it today.

As only she can can, my sister told me as much.

She is an ER nurse. Consequently, she sees an interesting cross-section of humanity, as you might imagine.

"I have enough on my plate with all of the loonies every night. I don't have time to be treating you for heat stroke on top of that. I mean, it would take an hour just to find a vein in this scrawny thing," she said, pointing to my arm.

That is her in a nutshell. She isn't one for long, philosophical talk; she's practical, and just tells it like it is. Well, like it is according to her, at least. :c)

But I actually find her matter-of-factness reassuring. As far as she's concerned, I'm trans in the same way that I have blue eyes, am clumsy, and love baseball, peanut butter fudge, and cows. (Not necessarily in that order.)

It's just who I am. Nothing more.

And that's pretty cool.

That said, I have been thinking more about yesterday, and why I have a tendency to push myself to extremes like that.

The technical writing program I attended was intense, for instance. They recommended that you not work, as it was 30-40 hours a week.

I, of course, decided to keep my job. *Both* jobs, in fact. How hard could it be, I reasoned? I worked full-time all the way through high school and college, after all.

And so I worked 90+ hours per week, every week, for ten months straight.

Part of this was hiding from who I was - this was when the situation with E and M was spiraling out of control. But it was more than that. I simply could not stop.

I remember the night after the last class. I worked both jobs, went to the gym, and arrived home at the relatively sane time of 7:00, give or take a few minutes.

"You know, this place needs a good cleaning," I thought as I looked around. "I should just do a little bit before I decide what to do about dinner."

The next thing I remember is suddenly looking up at the clock while I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the corners of the tile floor with a toothbrush.

It was 2:00 AM.

Oops.

I have, on more than one occasion, walked around on a broken foot for several months at a time. I fractured my ankle playing baseball when I was 15, and kept playing until I literally collapsed in a heap trying to chase down a ground ball.

So, as you can see, this is not a new phenomenon.

I'm not sure why I feel compelled to act this way. There's a difference between stretching yourself and punishing yourself. I'm not sure I always recognize when I'm crossing that line.

Guess I know what I'll be discussing with M at our next session, eh?

***

On a lighter note, I've been reading Shawn Colvin's memoir, Diamond in the Rough. It's terrific. She's an excellent writer: observant, unflinchingly honest, and very, very funny.

She has, to say the least, had an interesting life, particularly when it comes to romance. Her former boyfriend produced her first album, and, as she admits, most of it was her fault. But her description of their fights had me laughing out loud late last night as I read it.

She says that now (they still work together professionally) she simply threatens to slap him if he acts up, but back then she cried and threw pizza at him. A lot of pizza, apparently.

But it was her description of his reaction that was priceless:

"You know how men can compartmentalize and still tend to the job at hand in the midst of Armageddon? It drove me crazy."

That was totally me.

Before HRT, that is. lol

I'm guessing this will level out the longer I'm on them, but I've had more than a few meltdowns in recent weeks, almost always at work.

No pizza throwing, though.

Yet.

***

Last but not least, I had to share the contents of a text message from my friends T & J this morning.

"Thinking of you on this lovely day!" it read, with the accompanying photo:

As I wrote back, any day with cows in it is a good day. :c)

***

I would be remiss, in light of that last item, if I didn't post this song. How I have missed it so far is one of life's mysteries, given its title.

Oh, and Asleep at the Wheel are wonderful live, if you ever get the chance to see them!

But since I was discussing Shawn Colvin, the least I can do is post a few more of my favorite tunes of hers to wrap this up. (I posted my favorite a few weeks ago.) The last one is a cover; see if you can spot it before the chorus. :c)

Enjoy!