Musings: Messin' With Makeup

Hi everyone. Hope you're having a good week.

Once again, I want to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has reached out this week. I would not have gotten through it without all of you. I can never repay you for the kindness you've shown me. Although I know a few of you will ask.

(Kidding! I kid!)

I'm feeling a bit better every day. My sister and nephew C have been unbelievable. They are the rock on which I stand. I will treasure the exchanges I have had with my nephew the past two evenings for the rest of my life. He is a remarkable young man. I plan to write a post just about him. He deserves that and much, much more.

I plan to write more about the past week in the days to come. I've learned so much about myself, and about what is truly important to me. And I'm taking steps to make those things the top priority in my life.

Do I wish I had started these things sooner? I do. But as several friends have pointed out, everyone's journey is different. This is mine. I have a lifetime of regrets already; I am done with adding more to the list. The past is done. All that matters is this moment. And the moments to come, and ensuring that I live each one to the fullest. If I can do that, the future will take care of itself.

I thought I would share a few pictures to show some progress I've made in the past few days.

I've mentioned how much makeup has become... well, an obsession for me. As you probably guessed, it was never really about makeup. It was just a symbol of something far deeper.

Now I know what that was. And I say "was" because those things are NOT going to hold me back any longer.

I promised myself on Monday evening that I was going to work on my makeup skills every day from now on.

But then I caught myself.

"No," I thought. "You aren't going to work on it; you're going to play with it."

I'm a writer. I know how powerful words are. And there's a huge, huge difference between doing something as work and doing it as play.

I am finally living as myself. I've lived a life almost devoid of joy for nearly all of it, for a number of reasons.

Well, to hell with that.

I'm Cassidy.

I'm proud of who I am.

And I'll be damned if I did all of this work to continue living in fear. Because that's what I've been doing since I went full-time.

No more.

(I would like to thank a certain fellow blogstress  - an admitted blonde, who is also notorious for her continued failure to grasp the inherit majesty of our bovine brethren and sisters - for helping drive that point home to me. Forcefully. :D Thank you again, Kelli. :))

I'll be writing and doing videos in the weeks to come about the concrete steps I plan to take to get to where I want. But for now, I thought I'd share a few photos to show the results of how I've spent the past few mornings and evenings.

I took these just now. I'm basically wearing just eyeliner, mascara, and lip gloss. My skills are... well, there's a huge amount of room for growth, let's put it that way. :)

But I choose to look at it like this:

This is the very best I could do today.

Tomorrow, I'll do a bit better.

And the next a bit better than that.

If I keep that attitude, again, I think my skills will start to pick up.

So, here are a few shots of where I am as of today, October 30, 2014, on this part of my journey.

I think these are... well, they're a decent start. With enough practice, I think I can figure out a fairly good look that will work for me. It will take a while, and some experimenting, and playing around with different things. But it's going to be fun. A lot of fun. I get to use myself as a blank canvas every day. It's going to be interesting to see what develops.

Speaking of developing, I included the first photo, of me with the glasses, for a reason.

I noticed a few days ago that they suddenly looked, well, different when I was wearing them.

I wondered if I was imagining things.

But a few days later my friend R told me that they're too big for my face.

And she's right. They are.

But they weren't just a few weeks ago.

It's subtle. But things are clearly continuing to change in both the emotional and physical aspects of my transition as it moves ahead.

More to come about what I plan to do about this soon. And I'll post more in-progress pics as I move forward.

It's been an emotional, exhausting week. And there are big challenges ahead. But if I keep focused on doing my best each day, I will be OK.

Because I'm Cassidy.

And I'm a girl.

And girls rock.

Night, all. I love each and every one of you.

***

I've posted this song before, but it's probably the best song I've heard about friendship, so I wanted to post it again. I'm fairly certain this is a different version than what I previously posted. But even if it isn't, it's a magical performance of a beautiful, moving song. I dedicate to all of you.