My Ever-Changing Moods

A friend just forwarded me a link to a performance Paul Weller gave recently in Rolling Stone's office (here, if you are a Weller fan like yours truly). And that got me thinking about this song Paul did back in the day with the Style Council, the title of which sums things up for me perfectly right now. :c) It's a great song, to boot!

One of the causes of these up-and-down moods is my job situation - my career situation, really - around which I actually had a bit of an epiphany today. (This is a good thing, by the way.) I hope to write about this in the next day or two, as it ties into the post I was planning to write originally about my last session with M, my therapist.

Till then, though, have a lovely Thursday! Here's a terrific live version of the same song to take us out...

A Lesson Learned

After my session with M, my therapist, this morning (which I'll write about next week), I headed back home, looking forward to a long walk.

It's been quite hot and humid here the past few days, so much so that even a dedicated hoofer like yours truly stayed indoors. (I also had to work late two of three nights, but we shall speak no more of that.) So I badly needed to exercise, partly to stay in shape, but more to burn off excess energy and clear my head after another long week toiling in The Place That Shall Not Be Named.

As soon as I got home I changed into gym clothes and chose which Mariners cap I wanted to wear. I have a growing collection of these hats that I wear whenever I go for one of my power walks, both to express my allegiance to my beloved Ms and to keep the sweat out of my eyes. The order of those two priorities is determined by a) the temperature and b) my current level of despair at the Ms ongoing historic offensive ineptitude. Hey, no one said being a Mariners fan was easy, after all. 

Rooting for the Ms has turned out to be good practice for transitioning, as it turns out. Patience is required, as is a healthy dose of hope for better days to come, with the occasional sign that the promised land is not, in fact, a mirage, but a tangible place after all. Actually, Seattle in the summer - all six weeks of it - *is* pretty close to the promised land. But I digress.

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The Way I Feel

So... There's been something I've wanted to write about for a while now. A few months, really. But this is the first chance I've had to really devote some time to it. Things have been quite frantic since I started at this new job back in mid-March... which is when this tale really took a turn. An interesting one.

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This Week In Cass-Land

Working on a longer post - a positive one, for those of you who flinched at the thought of another of Cass's patented wrist-slashers (you know who you are!) - but it isn't quite done yet. 

I got about 2/3 of the way through it today, but I decided five hours of writing was enough, and went off to watch the new Paul Simon Graceland documentary. (It was wonderful.) So you'll have to settle for a few odds and ends for the time being. :c)

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A Cool Night

Just got back from dinner with M and wanted to share a few details. It can be interesting to see how others perceive you, and tonight was one of those times.

We spent most of dinner chatting about M's new job, which he started recently after a lengthy job search. He clearly made a good impression, as he's already received a promotion. 

This doesn't really come as a surprise; he's the most talented person I know. He picks things up with ease. Nonetheless, it's great to see him getting rewarded for his hard work.

We glossed over my work difficulties; as I've mentioned here, they're frustrating, but they'll come to an end at some point. In the interim, as I told M, it's helping me save money for my transition.

He asked what my next steps were, so I ran down the list: electrolysis (starting in a few weeks), work on my voice, and more, going into detail about what each entailed. 

I was describing how C and I planned to go clothes shopping in a few weeks in New York City to help me figure out my "look" (amazingly, even my sister thinks I have the right idea; wonders never cease!) when I noticed M smiling. I stopped.

"What's so funny?" I asked him.

"You," he said, still smiling. "You're so excited! I've never seen you so... optimistic."

"Really?" I replied, surprised.

"Really. You're obviously so, so happy. Even with everything going on in your life right now, it's like night and day. 

"You used to seem... well, there was a sadness that was always there, and that never went away, even when you were being funny and joking around. 

"But not anymore. It's obvious you're thrilled to finally be on the way to becoming who you're supposed to be. Good for you."

You can imagine how nice it was to hear something like that.

As we exited the restaurant, a slight breeze picked up, and suddenly I was shivering, almost uncontrollably. It wasn't all that cold - upper 60s and a light breeze - but I was wearing shorts (I was in boy mode), and I get chilled much more easily than before.

After a moment M noticed how cold I was - my teeth were almost chattering -  and insisted on driving me home. I was too cold to argue. 

On the way home, M asked if I was warm enough a few minutes after turning up the heat. I replied that I was, explaining that this was one result of the HRT.

As we pulled up in front of my parents house, he unlocked the passenger side door to let me out.

"Bring a sweater from now on, Cass," he said with a grin. "There isn't enough of you to stay warm on your own, so remember: think layers."

It was a really nice way to end the day. :c)

***

Since we spent part of our dinner conversation discussing the recent 25th anniversary release of Paul Simon's landmark Graceland album, here's what is surely one of the most joyous musical performances I've ever seen, from Saturday Night Live in November 1986:

A Laugh for Your Monday

It was a hard day today, even by the standards of it being a Monday. Nothing transition-related (well, not directly); it's yet more work craziness. 

It doesn't really have anything to do with my performance; I'm just a pawn in a battle that is being waged around me. But as my manager notes sympathetically, that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. And of course the hormones make it more of a challenge some days (like today, unfortunately).

But it will get better at some point. And in the meantime, what better day to share a quick, fun story about my friend M, who has apparently taken it upon himself to provide the laugh track for my transition?

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My New Beau! (And A Bit of News...)

You read that right... there's a new man in my life. And I am so excited!

They say these things happen when you least expect it.

Well, that's certainly true in our case.

But I knew as soon as I laid eyes on him that it was true love.

And I think the feeling is mutual, based on the amount of time we've spent cuddling so far since we began our relationship. :c)

What's that?

What does he look like, you ask?

Well, take a look!

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(That Wuz) The Week That Wuz

Whew. Perhaps it's just the hormones, but things certainly have seemed... intense the past few months. This past week was no exception. Mostly good, but, as the song goes, "Wherever there is comfort there is pain/Only one step away." And vice versa (as I prefer to think about it).

So… shall we dive right in, then?

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