OK... so
I know I said I was taking a brief break from writing on Saturday; what I *meant* was I was taking one from writing heavy posts. What, that wasn't clear? Well, who is to blame for that?!?
[cough cough]
;c)
So, yes...
In the interim, I decided I'd just throw together a bunch of stuff to keep the ol' writing muscles
limber.
Since my last few posts have been a bit intense, this seems like a good time for a lighter one, the latest in what is turning into an ongoing series inspired by conversations with my 19-year-old nephew C. :c)
So with a few hours of sleep (four, but who's counting?), I thought it might be a good idea to put up a quick follow-up to last night's - or, really this morning's - semi-coherent post.
My point - and there was one, honest! - was that my gender dysphoria was particularly acute the past few days.
I suspect it was a combination of exhaustion, the emotional toll of losing a family member, and, simply, far, far too long since I have been able to be myself for more than a few hours.
A friend asked last week how I managed to switch between multiple identities on a daily basis - one at work, one at home with my parents, and, of course, my real identity, which is the one I most need and the one I am least able to be, at least for now.
The answer: with increasing difficulty. It is draining, particularly since I have no chance to be myself for more than a few hours at a time. My parents, quite literally, NEVER go out. Ever. They are ALWAYS there. And I am nearing the breaking point. I desperately need my own space, my own time, to be me.
I viewed an apartment late last week that I really, really hope I get. It's gorgeous, in a perfect location, and reasonably priced (for here, at least). And the landlord, who lives upstairs, seems to be a genuinely kind person.
I've learned over the years not to allow myself to get my hopes up; it hurts too much on the too-frequent occasions when it doesn't work out. The disappointment at my most recent job interview is a case in point.
As I've learned to like myself the past year and a half, I've come to appreciate that I'm a good bit tougher than I ever gave myself credit for. Perhaps resilient is a better word.
Either way, I'm pretty determined when I decide - REALLY decide - to do something. I don't let anything stop me.
And if I don't get this apartment, I won't let that stop me either.
But it would be lovely if I did. I could use a base from which I can navigate the next part of my journey.
Well, I started this post about a half-dozen times since last Friday… but things kept happening that made me realize I had to start over. Again. lol
I told M, my therapist, on Saturday that I feel as if I'm living "light-weeks" since starting to transition. She laughed… until I ran through the events of the week. Then she shook her head and expressed her amazement at how much I try to cram into one week!
Last week was particularly packed, so much so that I could write posts about pretty much everything that happened. A few were bad, most were good. And I made a pretty darn big decision.
I'll do my best to write about at least SOME of these in the days to come. And hope that things stay calm enough to let me do so. :c)
So, without further ado:
***
The bad news first: I didn't get the job. Not much to say about that, but it's very disappointing.
Good news: I'm pretty sure I'm NOT going to the other office, the one that would make my transition exponentially more difficult. That may change… but I think I'm safe for the time being.
This means I can finally move out of my parents house - which M told me flat out on Saturday is absolutely essential. "That is a toxic environment for you," she said, adding that she did not use that term lightly.
I've scheduled visits to look at several apartments in the next few days. I want to be in my new home by mid-September at the latest. The sooner the better… for reasons you'll soon understand.
Bad news: I lost my claddagh ring, which has a great deal of sentimental value to me. M, however, had a different take on it, which I will share in another post.
Good news: I came out to four more friends last week: my friends R & B, who are married, and my friend T2 and her daughter M. I will absolutely write about this as well, as both conversations were quite powerful. (T2 and I both cried several times.) It's wonderful to share my news with the people I love… but it is draining too. All part of the process, I suppose.
Good news: the Newport Folk Festival was superb. Again, I will write more about it, but for now, I will say this:
GARY CLARK JR is AMAZING. Prepare to be awed:
He was ASTONISHING, as you can see. And hear. :c)
I'll post some of my pics in another post. They turned out well, I think, mostly because my new camera truly IS idiot-proof. lol Plus, it's hard to take a bad shot of Newport. It is truly beautiful.
***
And my big decision - which I will *absolutely* write a separate post about:
I picked the date on which I am going to go full-time.
It's july 26th, 2013.
Why that day in particular?
It's the first day of next year's Folk Festival. I decided while I was there two weekends ago that the next time I attended this festival that I would do it as myself.
And I will.
Newport has been a magical place in my life from the beginning… and I can't imagine a better place in which to truly start my life, at long last.
M, my therapist, thinks it is more than reasonable. It will be 20 months into HRT, and two-and-a-half years since I decided to transition.
I have so much to do - electrolysis/laser, working on my voice, getting comfortable going out as myself… but I know I can do it. And by giving myself a deadline, I WILL do it. As M told me, "When you make up your mind to do something, nothing will stop you, will it?"
No. Nothing. :c)
I'm scared (OK, terrified) and exhilarated in equal measure… which means I must be doing something right!
Time to call it a night - more to follow this week!
***
To wrap up this post, here are two more of the amazing acts from this year's festival. First up, the always-superb Wilco:
And next, New Multitudes, a one-off group consisting of Anders Parker (Varnaline), Will Johnson (Centro-Matic and South San Gabriel), Jay Farrar (Son Volt), and Jim James (My Morning Jacket). They came together to record an album of new music they collaborated on to accompany unrecorded Woody Guthrie lyrics. The results, as you can hear below, are enchanting:
This was even more breath-taking in person, if that is possible. Incidentally, I'm just out of camera range, next to the gentleman with the red hair at the bottom left of the screen. Such are the pitfalls of being short. :c)
Just got off the phone with a friend after nearly three hours, talking about jobs, music, cars, transitioning... life. A fitting end to an intense, emotional week.
Some of it was bad... but most of it was good. And some is still TBD... but I'm leaning toward good there as well. Cross those fingers.
It's late, I have an appointment with M tomorrow (thankfully), and I need sleep desperately, so details will have to wait 'til tomorrow, or maybe tomorrow and Sunday.
For now, here's a taste of how I spent my last weekend. This most definitely falls into the "good" - the VERY, VERY good - category:
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