Musings: Messin' With Makeup

Hi everyone. Hope you're having a good week.

Once again, I want to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has reached out this week. I would not have gotten through it without all of you. I can never repay you for the kindness you've shown me. Although I know a few of you will ask.

(Kidding! I kid!)

I'm feeling a bit better every day. My sister and nephew C have been unbelievable. They are the rock on which I stand. I will treasure the exchanges I have had with my nephew the past two evenings for the rest of my life. He is a remarkable young man. I plan to write a post just about him. He deserves that and much, much more.

I plan to write more about the past week in the days to come. I've learned so much about myself, and about what is truly important to me. And I'm taking steps to make those things the top priority in my life.

Do I wish I had started these things sooner? I do. But as several friends have pointed out, everyone's journey is different. This is mine. I have a lifetime of regrets already; I am done with adding more to the list. The past is done. All that matters is this moment. And the moments to come, and ensuring that I live each one to the fullest. If I can do that, the future will take care of itself.

I thought I would share a few pictures to show some progress I've made in the past few days.

I've mentioned how much makeup has become... well, an obsession for me. As you probably guessed, it was never really about makeup. It was just a symbol of something far deeper.

Now I know what that was. And I say "was" because those things are NOT going to hold me back any longer.

I promised myself on Monday evening that I was going to work on my makeup skills every day from now on.

But then I caught myself.

"No," I thought. "You aren't going to work on it; you're going to play with it."

I'm a writer. I know how powerful words are. And there's a huge, huge difference between doing something as work and doing it as play.

I am finally living as myself. I've lived a life almost devoid of joy for nearly all of it, for a number of reasons.

Well, to hell with that.

I'm Cassidy.

I'm proud of who I am.

And I'll be damned if I did all of this work to continue living in fear. Because that's what I've been doing since I went full-time.

No more.

(I would like to thank a certain fellow blogstress  - an admitted blonde, who is also notorious for her continued failure to grasp the inherit majesty of our bovine brethren and sisters - for helping drive that point home to me. Forcefully. :D Thank you again, Kelli. :))

I'll be writing and doing videos in the weeks to come about the concrete steps I plan to take to get to where I want. But for now, I thought I'd share a few photos to show the results of how I've spent the past few mornings and evenings.

I took these just now. I'm basically wearing just eyeliner, mascara, and lip gloss. My skills are... well, there's a huge amount of room for growth, let's put it that way. :)

But I choose to look at it like this:

This is the very best I could do today.

Tomorrow, I'll do a bit better.

And the next a bit better than that.

If I keep that attitude, again, I think my skills will start to pick up.

So, here are a few shots of where I am as of today, October 30, 2014, on this part of my journey.

I think these are... well, they're a decent start. With enough practice, I think I can figure out a fairly good look that will work for me. It will take a while, and some experimenting, and playing around with different things. But it's going to be fun. A lot of fun. I get to use myself as a blank canvas every day. It's going to be interesting to see what develops.

Speaking of developing, I included the first photo, of me with the glasses, for a reason.

I noticed a few days ago that they suddenly looked, well, different when I was wearing them.

I wondered if I was imagining things.

But a few days later my friend R told me that they're too big for my face.

And she's right. They are.

But they weren't just a few weeks ago.

It's subtle. But things are clearly continuing to change in both the emotional and physical aspects of my transition as it moves ahead.

More to come about what I plan to do about this soon. And I'll post more in-progress pics as I move forward.

It's been an emotional, exhausting week. And there are big challenges ahead. But if I keep focused on doing my best each day, I will be OK.

Because I'm Cassidy.

And I'm a girl.

And girls rock.

Night, all. I love each and every one of you.

***

I've posted this song before, but it's probably the best song I've heard about friendship, so I wanted to post it again. I'm fairly certain this is a different version than what I previously posted. But even if it isn't, it's a magical performance of a beautiful, moving song. I dedicate to all of you.

Thought for the Day

The birds they sang
at the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don't dwell on what
has passed away
or what is yet to be

***

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in

***

You can add up the parts
but you won't have the sum
You can strike up the march
there is no drum
Every heart, every heart
to love will come
but like a refugee

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in

== Leonard Cohen, "Anthem"

***

Thank You

This video is a small gesture of appreciation and gratitude for everyone who has reached out today after reading my most recent post. You have helped make an awful few days more bearable.

I hope to respond individually over the next few days... but for now, I hope this conveys how grateful I am to have all of you in my life. Thank you all. I love you.

Alone In The Dark

It's 3:41 AM on Sunday morning as I write this. I gave up trying to sleep several hours ago. I spent nearly two hours working on a post to summarize how I am feeling right now.

But I just read it, and it does not come remotely close to getting across how low I feel. As I usually do, I try to distance myself from how I feel through the words I use.

Well, I can't do that. Not this time.

I don't think I can get across the intensity of the pain I feel now. But I need to try.

Read more »

My LBD

It's been an awful week, the latest in a string of them. There are various reasons, which I may go into at some point. But for now, suffice it to say that I have been feeling as low as I have felt in a long, long time.

I was meeting a friend for dinner tonight, and at the last possible second I noticed this dress in my closet and decided to try it on.

I'd bought it a year ago, but frankly I was too fat to wear it, thanks to the Biblical run of calamities the past two-plus years. But after three months of intensive running it fits... well, better than it did. (But not as well as it is going to fit with another three-six months of running.)

I was glad I tried it on. I still don't feel great, but I forced myself to go out and get relatively dressed up to do so. Just like I've forced myself to keep running during this tough stretch. More on that in another post.

Anyway, a few shots of my first Little Black Dress. And also my messy living room, provided at no additional cost to you, the reader.

Hope everyone has a good weekend...

***

A favorite song from one of my favorite bands.

A Chat To Help Our Community

Hi all, and happy Thursday evening. Hope everyone is having a good week so far.

I've been meaning to post this for over a week, but just now had the opportunity to finish it up.

Several months ago my friend Nadine, over at Unordinary Style (and you should all check out her blog if you don't already do so :-p), wrote a post about an interview she did with a graduate student, Petta-Gay Hannah, who is writing her dissertation on transgendered/non-traditional individuals.

As you can see from her post, Nadine genuinely enjoyed taking part in Petta-Gay's project, and encouraged anyone who was interested to contact Petta-Gay to chat with her. Like Nadine (and like many of us), I welcomed a chance to do something for our little community.

Accordingly, I contacted Petta-Gay,  who turned out to be just as nice as Nadine had indicated. I've included the details below, so I will cut to the chase by saying...

I thoroughly enjoyed the entire experience. :c)

Petta-Gay is very nice, and clearly very smart. We spoke for about two-and-a-half hours. It was quite casual, and not at all academic or stuffy. Essentially, we had a long conversation. Her questions were thoughtful and well-considered, and not at all intrusive. She stressed repeatedly that I could simply decline to answer any question I might have found uncomfortable, but that was not even remotely a concern.

Once we finished, Petta-Gay asked if she could follow up if necessary to clarify an answer (I suspect that was a polite way of saying "if I can't decipher Cass's weird semi-Boston accent" lol), and of course I agreed. We've touched base several times since I've done the interview, and each of those has been as enjoyable as our intial chats.

I would encourage anyone remotely interested to contact Petta-Gay. I think her dissertation will be a valuable tool in helping others understand our community. And you will also be helping a really, really nice person. It's a win-win, in other words! I hope as many readers as possible are able to do so.

I've included Petta-Gay's information here, below the jump. (you can also find it at Nadine's post). Thanks everyone!

Read more »

Cass's Media Conquest Continues: My First Video (Plus... A Bit of News!)

Hi all! Hope everyone had a good week.

This will be brief, as it's late (nearly 2:40 AM - blame extra-inning playoff baseball games).

That said, I *do* have something to share: a bit of news, and...

Something else; now, what was it again?

Oh, that's right...

My very first video! :D

Yes, that's right; in my ongoing quest to conquer all media platforms, I've expanded my realm to include poorly filmed, shakily edited, semi-coherent videos. Lord help us all. (Community Access Cable... you're next!!!)

This is the first in what I hope will be a series of videos, depending on whether or not this one crashes the Internet and/or leads to one too many libel suits.

This is basically an introduction about myself, and what I hope those theoretical future videos will cover.

And that leads me to the second item mentioned above: my news. What is it, you ask?

Well, guess who went from not being able to run more than 60 seconds at the beginning of August to running for 35 minutes (and approximately 5k, or 3.1 miles) as of last Friday, October 3?

This girl, that's who!!! :D

Stay tuned for more on why I've become a runner (I love being able to say that!), why I decided to start making videos, and what is coming up in the weeks and months ahead on Cass's calendar. Hope you enjoy the video!!!

***

A few run-themed songs to round out the post. First, the great Del Shannon, playing Late Night with David Letterman in 1986:

Next, Jackson Browne's 1977 ode to being on the road:

And finally, this stunner from what is arguably Kate Bush's masterpiece, 1985's Hounds of Love album:

Thanks for reading (and watching)!!!