The Plan Keeps Coming Back Again… (Pt. 2)

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Friday, 8:30 AM
The scene: I'm in the family room with my mother. The show tonight isn't until 8:00 PM. That gives me a whole day to tell my parents. They're retired; they have nothing *but* free time, right?


Me: So, any plans for today, Mom?

Her: As a matter of fact, yes. My sisters are taking your Aunt M and I out to lunch for our birthday. (My mother and my Aunt M are identical twins.)

Me: Oh... okay. What time are you all meeting?

Her (checking watch): Let's see… 10:00 AM.

Me: Say, can we talk before - wait... 10:00 AM? For *lunch*?

Her: Well, we want to get there early.

Me: Why?

Her: Well, your father wants to watch the Kojak marathon on TV Land this afternoon.

Me: You realize I gave him the entire series on DVD last year for Christmas, right?

Her: Oh, the VCR is broken.

Me: You mean the DVD player.

Her: No, we returned that.

Me: But you asked for one last year.

Her: I know. But now we want a Blu-Ray player.

Me: Let me guess: Aunt M just bought one.

Her: Well… yes.

Me: Mom, what's a Blu-Ray disc?

Her (after a long pause): Well, it's better.

Me: Better than what?

Her: Could you look at the TV? This remote doesn't work anymore.

Me (approximately two seconds later): Mom, you realize this is the remote for the garage door, right?

Her: Are you sure?

Me (pointing the remote): Is the garage door opening now?

Her (peering out the window): Why, yes. Yes, it is. (pause) Do you think that's why the remote in the car doesn't work?

Me: I don't know. Can you use it to change the TV channel while you're pulling out of the driveway?

Her: I'll have to check. (looking at her watch) Well, look at the time! (standing up)

Me: Where are you going?

Her: To lunch, of course.

Me: But it's barely 9:00 AM.

Her: I know.

Me: The restaurant is only three blocks away.

Her: I want to beat the traffic.

Me: *What* traffic?

Her: Well, your aunt J. She always has to be first.

Me: And this matters why?

Her: She thinks she's entitled to it just because she's older.

Me: Older than who? Mom, you're all in your sixties and seventies. 

Her: You kids wouldn't understand. (putting on her coat) Oh, could you look at this while your home too? (pointing) Your father says he can't get it to connect to the Internet.

Me: Mom, that's a word processor.

Her: Well, I'm sure you can fix that right up. Bye, hon!

Me: Bye, Mom.


Postscript: The Civil Wars show was terrific.


A sample of that evening's entertainment:


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