All Things Must Pass

I don't really feel like writing at the moment, to be honest. But I want to write this so I remember how things really were right now when I look back in a year or three, when I'm finally myself and things are better.

And I will be myself.

And they will be better.

But right now, they are not.

I'm going to keep this brief, as I've been told - forcefully, in several cases - by multiple people that I need to relax this weekend. So here is just a summary of what has gone on in the past two weeks.

• I have been dealing with repeated outbreaks of hives all over my body.
• I have been dealing with the most prolonged bout of insomnia of my entire life.
• I nearly passed out at work.
• I was told I must report to the new office, in spite of countless assurances that this would not be the case. 

My manager was forced to break that last bit of news to me when she called me from her home (she lives halfway across the country). She was audibly upset, which made me feel awful. She is not in any way to blame for this; she was misled - and I am being extremely generous in my characterization - by her superiors. And she has, and continues to be, as supportive as possible. I consider her a friend.

A number of people - friends, co-workers, my manager, my sister, and, today, my therapist, M - have told me, with increasing levels of forcefulness, that they are genuinely concerned about my health, for reasons that will be clear.

***

I was in the office of my co-worker and friend B, when I nearly fainted at work. He told me the next day that I looked so ill that he was moments from calling an ambulance the morning that I felt faint.

I finally had to call my parents to come get me; I knew I would not be able to drive home safely. They did so, and never asked what was going on. That is, for better or worse, how they choose to handle things.

Shortly after I got home that morning, my sister came to back room where I have been living for the past six months, shut the door, and proceeded to read me the riot act.

She told me I MUST do something to help me deal with the amount of stress in my life right now. She said the hives could be a precursor to shingles. I dealt with those once before; I do not want to do it again.

She told me my parents are very concerned about me, even though they will not - cannot, really - tell me so. And, finally, she said that I am going to be forced to tell them the news sooner rather than later; the hormones are having a visible effect on my appearance.

(On a related note, I recently sent a friend two photos of myself (in boy mode): one taken last June, and one this June. She was quite surprised at the extent of the changes at that point (seven months), and stressed the importance of getting more comfortable presenting as myself. Right now, that is not possible, given my living/work situation.)

My sister also said I have to find a place of my own to live, which she thinks will help a great deal on all fronts. More than anything, it will be give a base of stability, and let me begin to work on becoming comfortable as myself. And it will enable me to tell my parents, and my brother and sister-in-law, the truth, since it will give me, and them, a chance to retreat to let the news sink in. Right now, this is not possible.

***

Events finally reached a nadir when all hell broke loose Thursday, the day of the office move. I don't want to relive it - it makes me shake with anger when I think about it.

I am a pretty outgoing, friendly person. I have a hard time staying upset with anyone, and an even harder time holding a grudge against anyone. But I was so angry yesterday when I reported to the new office that I pretended I didn't hear my boss's manager's greeting as I passed his office. In my opinion, he has been less than forthright (again, I am being extremely judicious in my choice of words). I wasn't rude; I simply cannot be a hypocrite and pretend as if all is well.

The current situation is untenable, to put it mildly. Key parts of my transition - electrolysis, voice work, practice with make-up, and more - have been on hold for months because of the uncertainty over my work situation.

Well, I now have certainty. And it is the worst-case scenario. I have been backed into a corner, and I feel I have been put in a position where I must tell them what is going on. I'll write more about this later, as you might imagine. For now, suffice it to say that this is NOT how I envisioned my transition unfolding.

***

I had a session with M, my therapist today. She is, to put it mildly, concerned. She shares my concern that nothing in their treatment of me thus far has given any sign that they will be supportive and understanding. Nonetheless, she agrees I have no choice, and has promised to help in any way she can.

She also urged me to contact my physician and ask for something to help deal with my current circumstances. I am going to do so. I cannot go on like this for much longer. (I haven't slept since Wednesday night, when I had four hours.)

She also strongly recommended I take a stress leave from work. I simply cannot do that. Not now. I think that there would be repercussions if I did so. Again, nothing in my tenure there has given me cause for optimism.

***

I'm cognizant of the fact that many people have it much worse. One friend in particular, through no fault of her own, is dealing with circumstances that make mine pale in comparison. And she is enduring them with a degree of grace, poise, and determination that I marvel at, although I know she feels otherwise. We are, far too often, our own worst critics.

She told me the other day that I have come too far, and have too much to look forward to, to stop now. I hope she heeds her own words.

***

I'm going to end it here. There has been even more happening - some of it positive, actually - and I will write about that too. But I need to rest now. Well, to try, at least.

I will say this: the past two weeks only make me more determined.

I will get through this.

I am better than this.

I am certainly better than them.

This will NOT stop me.

I will not let it.

***

On the 90 minute drive back from seeing M today, I listened to some of my favorite motivational songs, partly to keep my spirits up and partly to help keep me focused on driving. Weeks of no sleep are taking their toll. Here's one that seems particularly appropriate, and struck the right tone:

Now the darkness only stays the night-time

In the morning it will fade away

Daylight is good at arriving at the right time

It's not always going to be this grey

All things must pass

All things must pass away

All things must pass

All things must pass away

***

My friend and I have taken to trading links to favorite YouTube videos when we correspond via email. Some are meant to inspire; others, like this one, are meant to lend a bit of perspective:

What would we do without Monty Python? :c)