Checking In...

Just wanted to post an update, again more for future reference than anything else. I don't feel much like doing anything other than just… being, I guess. But I want to remember this, as I've mentioned before. It's important to write about the hard times too; they're what will give the good ones meaning.

I saw my doctor, J, yesterday, and she concurred with M, my therapist, who I saw over the weekend. They were both quite concerned over how exhausted I still am, and worried that going back to work would throw me right back into the same situation that contributed to this.

She wrote a letter recommending I remain out of the office for the remainder of this week, thankfully. I was, and am, quite nervous about going back into that craziness again. I sent it to HR today, and received a nice reply from them saying they were glad I was feeling better, and to focus on resting.

J also gave me two prescriptions: one to help with anxiety and another to help me relax at night. She also temporarily lowered my spiro prescription, saying it's only for a few weeks while my body recovers from the stress of the past six months. 

I am very leery of taking these kinds of medications, for the obvious reasons, but she made a strong case for why I need them, just for the short term. As we were finishing, she looked at me for a moment.

"You have a really hard time asking for help, don't you, Cass?" she asked me.

I allowed as to how one or two people may have pointed this out to me fairly recently. :c)

"I know it's hard," she said. "You've spent your whole life thinking you had to be independent, and to keep everyone away. 

"But you don't have to do that anymore. It's *OK* to ask for help," she said. "In fact, I'm willing to bet your friends are *dying* to help. It's how they can show they care about you. 

"So… why not let them? You would want to do the same for them, wouldn't you? If nothing else, think of it as how *you* can show them how you feel about them - that you trust them enough to let them in."

I think J would make a darned good therapist, don't you? :c)

***

I went back to my old stomping grounds for the weekend, for an all-too-brief visit. I am feeling pretty battered, both physically and emotionally. After my latest chat with my parents, which I described briefly in my last post, I knew I had to get away, simply to breathe.

It was wonderful to be there again, but also melancholy. It reinforced how much I love it there, but I know that this simply is not feasible at the moment.

I got together with my friends A & T on Saturday evening, and came out to them. They were both very happy for me, and leapt at the opportunity when I mentioned I needed help with… well, everything clothes- and makeup-related. 

We're going to get together next month for a girl's weekend, as T put it, which works even though A is a boy. lol T, in particular, was practically bouncing off the walls with excitement. It was contagious. (She and J would totally hit it off, I suspect.)

A, on the other hand, is a bit more reserved by nature. We were discussing possibilities for what would work for me in terms of looks, and he finally stopped and in his matter-of-fact way said, "Look - you know you're a stick, right? A. Stick. That means you can wear anything you want. That is a nice problem to have."

Yet again - I have really good friends. :c)

***

I'll write more in another day or two, as I'm fading here. I have a LOT more to write about; I feel as if my life is in hyperdrive these days.

I hope to apartment hunt in the next day or two. I'm nervous about getting something and then having something happen with the job, good or bad. But I have to get out of my current living situation, and fast. When your therapist, doctor, electrolysist, and friends are all saying the exact same thing… it's time to listen. And act. When the word "toxic" is used by two doctors… it's serious. Cross your fingers, all.

***

This is for a dear friend who is enduring a very hard time right now, through no fault of her own. Such a wonderful song: 

Aretha's voice has amazing powers of healing, doesn't it? It's a force of nature. 

Of course, I adore Dionne Warwick's version too:

You know it's a transcendent song when two brilliant artists can interpret it so differently… and both make it their own. Hard to go wrong here. :c) And it's twice the healing power too, which is no small thing. 

Hang in there, hon; you will get through this. I know you will...