Silly Grin :c)

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Greetings and salutations, one and all!

I have *so* much to write about - some really exciting things too! - but not enough time at the moment. That said, I wanted to share a moment from Monday morning that, as the title says, left me with a goofier than usual grin afterwards. If such a thing is possible!

I was a bit tired this morning, and had a long, traffic-filled commute to work. I hadn't seen S since the middle of last week, so she wanted to hear about telling my nephew C and my salon encounter. I also wanted to tell her about one of those exciting things I mentioned above that happened over the weekend.

(Sorry to be vague; I promise I will write about it, and a number of other equally exciting things, as soon as I can!)

We headed to the cafeteria so S could get some tea while I, being a coffee snob, drank my own brew from home. Ever since I stopped chewing my fingernails - which I did without realizing it several months before deciding to transition - caffeine is my only vice.

The cafeteria was all but empty when we arrived, so we picked the closest table and sat down.

A few minutes later a woman I didn't recognize, but who clearly worked in the cafeteria (perhaps the manager), entered one of the small conference rooms by the cafeteria entrance. She emerged a minute or two later, carrying some binders as she headed our way.

Our eyes met, so I smiled.

As she passed us, she smiled back and said, "Good morning, ladies! Hope Monday is treating you both well!"

S began to laugh as my face flushed.

"Aren't you used to this by now?" she asked.

"Not really," I said. "I try not to make too much of it. And it really hasn't happened all that much."

"Sure it has!" she said. "You've mentioned at least six or seven that I can think of just off the top of my head. And I'll bet there are more you just haven't thought to mention to me."

(She's right. As usual. lol)

"And those are only the ones you know about because someone says something that tips you off," she added. "I think it's happening a lot more than you realize. I'll bet it's half the time, easily."

"Really?" I said.

"Think about it, Cass," she replied. "You're sitting here with me, dressed in boy mode. And you're wearing your 'magic glasses.' And with all that, she still took you for a woman."

(I was wearing a loose pullover with a striped t-shirt underneath, skinny black jeans, and sneakers. Oh, and my ankle brace. But that's gender-neutral. :c) As for the 'magic glasses,' a number of people have told me I look drastically different when I take my glasses off.

(I apologize if I'm repeating any of this; I can never remember what I have and haven't written about. Why? Because I am a total ditz these days!

We now return you back to S's musings. lol)

"She's seeing who you are. And that's when you aren't wearing any makeup, aren't dressed as yourself,  haven't done any work with your eyebrows.. and all without shaving today!"

"It's the same with your voice. You talk normally with me, just like you do with B and L and other people who know. But upstairs your voice kind of goes all over the place. You start off like yourself when someone talks to you, but then I think you try to switch back to his voice without even realizing it. Only you're having a harder and harder time doing it.

"And you do the same thing with how you sit, and move, and just carry yourself. It's like you sort of remember unconsciously and try to act like him. But you switch back as soon as you stop thinking about it."

"That has to be really draining, even if you don't realize it. Maybe it's why you're having so much trouble sleeping lately? Trying to pretend to be someone you really aren't..."

Her voice trailed off, and she shrugged.

I wasn't really aware of any of this until S mentioned it to me, and I said as much.

"Just think," she said. "You already have lots of energy; imagine what you'll be like when you're full time and not thinking about all of this stuff constantly. What did you say the other nurses and EMTs call your sister at the hospital?"

"The Energizer Bunny," I said, laughing.

"See? You come by it naturally!"

Who knows? Maybe she's right!


It certainly is encouraging, even if I suspect S may be quite a ways off in her estimate of how many people take me as a woman right now. Then again, I *am* trying to pass a boy when it happens. ("Well, yes, there is that, Cass," I can just hear April, Kelli, Stace, et al thinking to themselves as they read this! lol)

The funny thing is... it isn't that I don't care what people think... but, well, I guess I don't. :c) Not to sound flippant, but I finally, finally know who I am. And I like who I am. And I like who I'm becoming even more. And I can't wait to get there!

I hope other people like the real me.

But the most important person already does. :c)


Here's a song that seems to fit the mood of this post perfectly, from the great John Prine:

If you have even the slightest interest in folk music, or just masterful songwriting, you owe it to yourself to check out his self-titled debut album from 1971 and The Missing Years, from 1991 (where this song originates). You will be hooked, guaranteed. :c)

Here's one more from that debut album, This will leave you choked up for sure. And as you listen, bear in mind he wrote it when he was twenty-one years old:

He truly is an American treasure...


bashashhazbaz on March 19, 2013 at 5:14 PM said...

again, you must be quite the feminine specimen for folks to take you as the lovely lady you are! i LOVE that peanuts comic, by the way. makes me laugh!

Cassidy on March 19, 2013 at 5:36 PM said...

Thank you! My personal theory is that there is a severe shortage of opthamologists in the area. :c)

I, too, *adore* Peanuts. When I was growing up, comic strips were little worlds I could visit where I felt safe and could be myself. I didn't have many other places like that.

I obsessively drew them as a child (OK, and now too!), and am collecting the high-end reprints that are being issued. They are still magical, after all these years!

Thank you for the lovely comment!!!


bashashhazbaz on March 20, 2013 at 12:10 PM said...

well 9 out of 10 blind folks can't be the consensus is in: you're a hottie! :)

that is freakin' awesome that you collect and draw comics! do you like comic books and video games, too?

you are most welcome cassidy!

Becca on March 20, 2013 at 1:11 PM said...

I can't recall where we left it .... Dazzle I think? Anyway it's a great feeling ...especially when you don't expect it ....happens to me a fair bit these days. I now have another issue in that people who know me as plain old boring person just see old me. When I go out with them to get a coffee or lunch I have to man up so that I don't get ma'am when they serve me. It's happened a couple of times and there are some awkward moments .....

I know that there is an easier way of living - shame its all a bit complicated .....or I have made it so ....

Cassidy on March 22, 2013 at 11:38 PM said...

@ bashashhazbaz: 9 out of 10 is certainly pushing it - though I do appreciate the rounding up! lol

I really have never been into video games, for some reason. Not even baseball and hockey games, which would seem like a logical fit.

I once played Wii bowling with my brother and sister-in-law, who played it almost every night. I rolled five consecutive perfect games right out of the gate, and they quit in disgust. lol Sadly, that is the athletic highlight of my life, what with me being a hopeless klutz!

Oh, and I also read comic books (Spiderman was a favorite, although I wanted to be Mary Jane!), but never collected them.

@ Becca: No, I think "dazed' is just right! :c)

That is great that you are being recognized as yourself - and hardly surprising! And while it must be awkward to "man up" (I suspect that is a losing effort too!), it certainly is a nice problem to have when you consider the alternative!

You will achieve that easier way of living; it just takes time. We all have different things we must cope with on the path to being ourselves; some of those things just take a bit longer than others.

Thank you both (again)! And have a lovely weekend!!!


bashashhazbaz on March 25, 2013 at 4:43 PM said...

spider-man rocks! i loved reading those too! i bet you would make a lovely mary jane!

Cassidy on March 25, 2013 at 7:37 PM said...

lol Well, I need the red hair, but I have the freckles covered, anyway!

I also liked some of the Western ones too; was it Kid Colt? That was a good one. Wow, this is bringing back memories...

I see that they are resetting the Spiderman series now, which is pretty daring. I'm curious to see how the fans react...

Thank you for the sweet comments - again! :#)

== Cass

bashashhazbaz on March 26, 2013 at 1:12 PM said...

i know. i'm unsure about the new reset. especially since peter parker isn't spiderman. but i'm willing to give it a shot if it is written well. kid colt was cool. so is/was jonah hex. bringing back memories, eh? as long as they are good ones! :) and you are most welcome once again pretty lady!

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