Being Me

Hi all! 

Here's a late night, I-am-too-tired-to sleep post for you.

I have been fighting a minor stomach bug off and on the past few weeks.

And it is pavement-meltingly hot and humid here, and will be until Saturday. (The ol' hair product is getting a serious workout this week, I can assure you!)

But mostly, I am simply worn out.

Thankfully, my vacation starts one week from today. Yea!!!!

So... on to the point of this post.

As I noted in a recent post, I have most definitely passed a significant point in my transition:

I now, at long last, see me.

I mean, really see me.

It was, and is, amazing.




It happened last week, for the first time.

I am still genuinely taken aback when I catch myself in the mirror unaware.

In fact, just tonight I was grocery shopping. As I mentioned above, it has been brutally hot here for nearly a week, with increasingly uncomfortable temperatures and dew points every day.

I worked at home today because of an upset stomach, and, quite honestly, did nothing in terms of appearance. My hair was flat, I hadn't shaved since Sunday (my electrolysis was on Tuesday, and the humidity left my skin more irritated than usual), and I was wearing a loose t-shirt and gym shorts.

And yet...

When I was walking back to my car, struggling not to drop my bags, car keys, and phone (I only dropped the phone - you know, the most fragile item, of course!), I saw myself in the reflection of the door.

And stopped short.

I saw a woman.

Me.

More than a bit washed out, somewhat weary, and with really, really bad hair lol...

But definitely a woman.

I had to sit in my car for a few minutes, letting it sink in.

Again.

It is really happening.

I am passing.

Even to myself.

And as we know all too well, the person in the mirror is by far the toughest, most unforgiving critic of them all.

So... progress!

***

The flip side, of course, is that the further along I am in my transition, the more my difficulty dealing with my GD grows, for a number of reasons.

Telling my parents was the most important factor, along with my increased confidence since then in accepting myself and realizing I genuinely like myself now.

There are other factors, including one major one that I swear I will write about next - honest! :-p

But the bottom line is that I am more and more disconnected from "him" as time goes by.

And it is accelerating on a daily basis.

Earlier this week I was chatting with RW and S at RW's desk after a meeting. Our co-worker A, a favorite of all of us (and one who does not know about me yet), ran over excitedly, holding our her hands.

"Look what I did last night, RW!" she exclaimed.

She had painted her own nails for the first time. And done quite a good job of it, I must add.

RW and S, quite rightly, complimented her on her efforts, and asked about what polishes she used (she did different shades), her after-care, and so on.

And I would keep wanting to jump in, be part of the excitement, and pepper A with all of the questions I had.

Only to catch myself each time - barely - and realize I could not.

I did my best to try to think of how a boy would act in this situation... but I could not. So I simply kept quiet.

Later, RW came to my desk.

"That was really hard for you, wasn't it?" she asked.

I admitted it was.

"S and I could tell," she said. "We could see literally see the strain."

"You carry yourself like a girl now, just like we keep telling you," she said. "But I know you still have to try to be 'him' here, huh?"

"But it's like you... forget sometimes? You know, like your voice will be normal [i.e. like Cass] and then all of a sudden it will try to drop? But not manage it?"

I told her she was right.

"Every day now, I get up and get dressed as him. And I feel completely... alien."

"This -" I gestured to my polo shirt, skinny jeans, and sneakers - "Makes me feel like a fraud. I can't really remember how he acts that well now. And I don't want to remember. But I still have to try."

"And whenever I see all of you - you, S, and A - just being yourselves... it eats me up inside. I want that SO badly. But I can't have it. Not yet. I know I will someday... just not now."

RW began to apologize for having the earlier conversation, but I stopped her.

"Please, please, don't do that on my account!" I said. "That's how I learn. I watch and listen to all of you. And the more I do, the more I learn to trust my instincts. So please... don't change."

"OK," she said. "I promise we won't."

"Thank you, RW," I told her.

Then I smiled.

"If I weren't trying to pretend to be him, I would give you a huge hug right now."

"Just save it for later," she said as she walked back to her desk. "They stay good forever, you know!"

***

I spent some time a few nights ago messing around with headbands and barrettes, at RW's suggestion.

While it is fair to say that Vidal Sassoon has nothing to worry about :c), I did manage to get my hair to look at least semi-presentable on a few occasions. It was worth the contortions to my shoulders, back, and neck. (My chiropractor thought so too.)

So here are a few shots to give you an idea. Note my nifty paramecium nightshirt - which, I am proud to note, I picked out all by myself. I

If you were ever to see my first efforts at picking out a my own clothes ("Are you dressing for two?" asked my sister upon seeing them), you would know what a big deal this is.

I can attest that RW was very impressed when I told her what I had done. :c) "All by yourself, Cass? Really? Oh, wait... you are serious?!? Damn... nice job!" Apparently she has been in touch with my sister, given her obvious astonishment. lol

 I like that first one in particular. :c) I think it captures me fairly well. Or at least how I see me at this moment.

I also like that you can see how I am slowly being overrun with freckles. More literally appear every day, seemingly in inverse proportion to my body hair vanishing. Thankfully, I really like my freckles. Not that I have much choice, I suppose! lol

***

It is that time of year again, kids: Newport Folk Festival time!

Yea!!!

I cannot wait to visit Newport next week. It has been far too long since I have been there.

And not just because I can slake my Del's frozen lemonade jones either - although that is literally the first thing I do every time I visit. You would too, if you ever tasted one.

And not just because I get to see my dear friends down there at long last. As myself too. (I am spending the entire weekend as myself.)

The best reason is the incredible music I will be seeing next week.

In my next few posts, I will share just a few of the artists I will be checking out one week from today.

First up, Sarah Jarotz, covering the great Bill Withers's "Grandma's Hands":

Next, Brooklyn's own Spirit Family Reunion:

And last up, personal favorite Justin Townes Earle, covering Lightnin' Hopkins:

Nothing worse than a balky engine, as any gentleman will tell you. :-p