Musings: Cassidy Is A Cow Girl, Pt. I

This is one of those posts that arrived out of nowhere.

In this case, really out of nowhere.

A recent post noted that it was three years ago (plus a few additional weeks now) that my life truly began. That was the day that I finally acknowledged who I was, realized what I had to do, and started on the long road that brought me to where I am today.

I had mentioned what the day represented to my friends R and S late the previous week. Being the dear friends they are, they decided that Cassidy deserved to celebrate the occasion of her first birthday (so to speak) as herself.

Follow along below the jump for more on what they did, and how it helped me appreciate how far I have come, and understand what to do to continue that journey.


I was out of the office that Monday, several weeks ago.

When I arrived Tuesday, this is what greeted me (among other decorations):

There were more - lots more - but I had to remove some of them because I literally could not see my computer monitor. lol

I was busy trying to decipher a technical specification when R arrived, so much so that she had to tap me on the shoulder to get my attention. When I turned, she, S, and B were all standing in my cubicle, smiling.

"Cassidy was born three years ago... but this year is the first time you finally get to spend it as yourself," R said. "And we decided that you need to celebrate your first birthday as Cassidy...with presents!"

And sure enough... there were presents. :c)

(Have I mentioned before what great friends I have?)

I managed to remove the wrapping paper without suffering a paper cut or impaling myself with scissors, or some other example of my customary dexterity and grace.

But the effort was worth it, as you can see:

Those are, respectively, two pairs of adorable cow socks and an even more adorable cow piggy bank. Yes, I love them already. (Thank you again, R and S!)

The socks came in pairs, of course, and fortunately for my new cow bank, she had a companion waiting for her as well:

All in all, it was a lovely way to recognize an important day in my life. 

I am grateful I received that reminder, too.

***

I'm approaching five months full-time. Each day I find I'm growing a bit more comfortable in my own skin. When I catch a glimpse of myself in a storefront window or while getting ready in the morning, I no longer see a stranger and wonder "Who *are* you?"

After a lifetime of confusion and pain and sacrifice and loss, I know who I am.

I *like* who I am.

And part of being myself means I can enjoy things I would not, or, really, could not, allow myself to enjoy before now.

Around my apartment I now have two cow piggy banks, cow salt and pepper shakers (again, courtesy of R), a cow cream dispenser, and more.

My two stuffed cows, Cody and Cocoa, share the backrest on my bed with Sparky the Penguin, Opus the Penguin, and the Mariner Moose:

I love them all. And I will add more in the months to come.

Why?

Because they make me happy.

That's a new feeling for me.

I like it.

And I want to experience it more often.

I'm slowly beginning to let my guard down, to listen to myself, and to understand that it's OK to let myself have things I like, and that make me feel good.

I never could admit to anyone, or to myself - maybe especially myself - that I loved stuffed animals, and that when I read Anne of Green Gables, I longed to be her. Or that when I read Beverly Cleary's Henry Huggins books, I secretly identified with Beezus, Ramona's older sister.

Now I can.

And I do.

That being said, there are still areas in which I need to embrace who I am. And I will write about those in our exciting conclusion! :D

***

I included an (admittedly poor) shot of my new skirt at the top of this post, because I realized after looking at it that it fits the theme of this post.

First, it's a Western style skirt, with lots of ruffles, although I realize it's difficult to see that thanks to my mediocre selfie skills. :-/ My bovine friends here have moo-ed their approval. :)

Second... I love it! I was a bit under the weather when I took that picture last night (a touch of food poisoning, I suspect), but as you can see, my spirits lifted when I tried it on.

Both April and my sister had the same response when they saw it: "That skirt is totally you." And they are both correct; it is. I adore this look, and how it makes me feel. (I'm sure you couldn't tell!)

April suggested I add a bustle, which would also totally be me. lol I was clearly meant to be born when I could have worn ultra-feminine outfits - the Victorian/Edwardian era, the Old West, and so on. But since I wasn't, I will just make do. I may be a girly-girl, but I am also practical when necessary. ;c)

***

In line with becoming more comfortable with myself, I wanted to share a few songs from an artist I am certain would not have been on my radar screen three years ago who has now captured my imagination.

Ingrid Michaelson released her sixth album, Lights Out, about a month ago. I was vaguely aware of her name and several of her songs before its release, although at the time I did not realize they were hers.

Her sound falls in the singer-songwriter genre, but with some interesting jazzy touches and what I can now tell is a genuine flair for melody. The coffee shop where I stop off on the way home was featuring tracks from Lights Out for several weeks. I use Shazam, one of my favorite apps, to identify songs that catch my ear. It was when I realized I had used it to ID five different songs from the album that I knew I needed to pick it up.

So I did. And I am thoroughly enjoying it. She is a terrific songwriter, with a very appealing sense of humor to boot. (I also love her glasses and sense of style, but that is a whole other matter.)

I have always listened to a broad spectrum of music, as I would imagine anyone who checks out the videos I include in my posts would agree. :c) And I have a healthy collection of female artists too, from Emmylou Harris to Joni Mitchell to the Indigo Girls to Sarah McLachlan to Dar Williams to Jonatha Brooke, to name just a (very) few.

But an artist like Ingrid Michaelson, wonderful as she is, would not have registered with me before I finally became Cass. Why? I'm not totally sure. I would like to think I'm open to most anything that catches my ear.

But what I once heard described playfully as "vagina music" [lol] in the indie film Walking and Talking (check it out sometime!) would likely have escaped me. Perhaps I was afraid to admit I could identify with the kind of artists who played the Lilith Fair back in the late 90s? Or that I could - and should - have been part of their audience?

I'm not sure. But I am sure I like Ingrid Michaelson's music. A lot. And that makes me happy. Because it means even my ears are opening up to new experiences as well.

And just just how wide are they opening, you might be wondering?

I heard "Cornflake Girl," from Tori Amos, on the radio driving home one evening. Again, I have heard her music for years now, and it never really registered. I didn't dislike it; it just didn't really click for me.

Until I realized I was still humming "Cornflake Girl" three days after hearing it. So I went to Spotify and spent a fun evening listening to random songs from throughout her career.

And by the end of the evening I was hooked. Yea!

I picked up used copies of her first two albums, and am thoroughly enjoying them. I am going to start exploring more of her catalogue in the weeks and months to come. And I cannot wait to do so.

I'm also going to pick up her new album, which came out this week (I think), and is being hailed as her best in many years. I cannot wait to hear that one either.

I love being a girl! :c)

So, one of the new songs that caught my ear from Ingrid Michaelson's new album, "Girls Chase Boys":

And another, "Afterlife":

To close out this post, I turn things over to the Cornflake Girl and Friends: