I bid farewell to my RAV4, my vehicle of the last 28 years, earlier this morning.
It was a 1999 Toyota RAV4. I purchased it in late November 1998, and picked it up two days before Thanksgiving. This was my first - well, really, only - major purchase after earning my technical writing certificate three years previously.
Before that I had driven a series of used cars kindly passed down to me by several relatives. For a reminiscence about my favorite, and one memorable afternoon when my friends T & B decided to make some, er, "improvements," read on.
The photo above is the first selfie I've taken in several years - probably close to five years, now that I think about it. I took it late last week, apparently having decided to forego makeup (and a comb, for that matter 😆), while also wearing a top that is at one size too big for me at the moment. (The clothes are courtesy of my sister C, who told me my previous wardrobe of white t-shirt and leggings - or "that depressing s***", as she referred to it) "had to go - all of it." And go it did.)
This is pretty much how I look most days, although I happily do wear makeup at least a few days a week. I'm fine without it, but I remember what my sister C says: the days she wears makeup she does it for herself, because it makes her feel good on those days. I'm inclined to follow that way of thinking a lot more often moving forward.
I wasn't feeling very good about myself for a long time, but that is no longer the case, thankfully. I'm still a bit undernourished, the result of barely eating one meal a day, if that, for several months. I'm getting there, though, and enjoying the occasional guilt-free large maple walnut ice cream from Herrell's, an amazing ice cream chain here in Massachusetts. Best ice cream I've ever had. Yum... 🍦
So, I'm grateful to be here and able to write this post, and equally grateful to be slowly rebuilding my life. I did not think I would be here barely five weeks ago, and I am taking things one day at a time. But for the first time in a long while I feel hopeful.
I'm in the process of transcribing what will eventually be several lengthy posts. I needed to write this for a long, long time - and I do mean long. For whatever reason, the trauma I recently went through opened the floodgates. I don't question why the muse appears; I simply thank her and take advantage of the opportunity. I think finishing this once and for all will allow me to tackle other topics that have long been on the creative back burner. Looking forward to seeing what comes out of this. Hope you'll stick around too.
***
I was listening to The Kinks when I took this, and have been listening to them obsessively for quite a bit lately, as I do every year for several weeks at a time. They're one of my favorite bands, and Ray Davies is one of my favorite songwriters. Two songs in particular have been running though my head.
First up is "State of Confusion," from their 1983 album of the same name. It's a song about modern day life, but the line that resonates with me at the moment is "I'm alive and that can't be bad." True, that. 🙂
The second song is "Lost and Found," a lovely track from their 1986 album Think Visual, an unfairly overlooked album in their catalogue. It's written about a couple in New York City during Hurricane Gloria in 1985 who are enduring two storms, one via Mother Nature and the other of a personal nature. The song ends on a hopeful note, as only Ray can provide:
We were lost and found/And we beat the fear/We came through the storm/Now it all seems clear/We were lost and found/Standing here looking at the new frontier.
A recent post consisted of the result of a recent writing exercise in which I took part. The exercise was to write a letter of compassion/like/love to yourself. I did something a bit different and wrote a letter from pre-transition me to myself, Cassidy. I decided that turnabout is fair play, as the saying goes, so this is a brief letter from myself, Cassidy, to pre-transition me. Follow along below the jump.
Yes, a second post today. I wasn't planning on writing this one, but I wanted to commemorate a moment that's been 15 years in the making... and a conversation with a barista who went above and beyond.
First, I want to acknowledge a huge debt of gratitude to three people without whom this moment would not have occurred. I don't think I could have written it without their love and support, even when I wasn't really offering much progress in return. Words hardly seems sufficient... but, here is a huge thank you. ❤️
This moment commemorates the completion of a blog post I've been working on for the past three weeks. It's all done, minus a few minor gaps that need to be dashed off, probably in an hour or two of writing. It's the final piece of the autobiographical series of posts I called The Chronicles of Cass.
I wrote nearly 25 pages on Saturday, and over 40 pages today (all by hand - that was how I wrote the entire post, ~ 100 pages total). I was determined, once I started, that I was going to finish this once and for all, and do it today. And I did.
I wrote it all in one five hour session at a Starbucks down the street from my friend F, where I'm staying for the moment. I only stopped once, when one of the baristas came over and quietly put a fresh iced coffee on my table. I hadn't touched the one I'd purchased three-plus hours before. I thanked her and offered to pay, but she shook her head.
"Whatever you're working on must be pretty intense," she said, adding, "It's none of my business, of course."
"It''s OK," I told her. "It is intense. It's for my blog. It's something I should've written a long time ago."
"It must be important. You like you've seen a ghost, to be honest," she said.
I had to laugh a bit.
"I guess I have," I said. "I'll probably write a post about this conversation, if that's OK with you."
It was. 🙂 So, one more thank you to C, the friendly barista who knew just what I needed at that moment.
I plan to start typing up this massive post tonight... if I don't fall asleep first. Ghosts can have that effect on you, I guess, especially once you're ready to bid them adieu.
***
A few songs about spirits to round up this post. First, a lovely song from The Psychedelic Furs, from their classic Mirror Moves album - "The Ghost In You":
Robyn Hitchcock, a personal favorite of yours truly, does a terrific cover:
Speaking of personal favorites, here's one from the Indigo Girls. This is a song from Rites of Passage, called "Ghost."
That does it for this one. Until next time, then...
This is an older post I drafted some time ago that for some reason has never been published.
Until now. 🙂
It's sort of a placeholder while I work on something really big (see below). Meanwhile, I thought this was interesting enough (I hope) to share. So, follow along below after the jump.
So, I've been writing furiously since I began to emerge from the dark period I referenced previously. I have quite a backlog of topics I want - need, in some instances - to write about, just for myself, as I'm making up for lost time,
This isn't one of those posts... but it is about those posts. 🙂
As promised/threatened in the initial post of Cassidy's Quest: The Reboot, I'm going to make an effort to write on a regular basis again. This is a short one, the result of a recent writing exercise in which I took part. The assignment: write a letter of compassion/like/love to yourself. I decided to do something a bit different and write a letter from pre-transition me to myself, Cassidy. Here's what he/I had to say. 🙂
This is apropos of nothing I've been writing about, but these assorted clips are as good as it gets.
First up are Marty Stuart and his incredible band tearing it up on Letterman back in 2011. (The guitarist in the cowboy hat is Kenny Vaughan, btw.) I've watched this seven times in a row tonight. You will not see a better performance than this. Enjoy!
This is a much quieter song and performance, but equally intense in its own way. Kim Richey has one of the most beautiful voices I've ever heard and is a superb songwriter to boot. This is my favorite song of hers, from back in 1999. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!
Next, an insanely catchy number from Utopia, led by the brilliant Todd Rundgren. Check out those amazing live harmonies. You won't be able to get this song out of your head, but it's so good you won't mind.
Utopia made a charming, ultra-low budget video for this back in 1982. I love their warped sense of humor.
Finally, the title track (and title of this post) from John Mellencamp's terrific 2010 album:
That is all, folks. We will resume our normal programming in a few more days. 🙂
As promised in a previous post, here's a (necessarily) brief update on exactly what has made this blog a content-free zone the past five years. (I also simultaneously published a post about my family during the same time period.) Follow along below the fold.
After my re-introduction post a few days ago, I thought I would follow up with a catch-up post attempting to briefly summarize the past five years since I last posted here. I'll likely expand on at least some of these in greater depth in the weeks and months to come. I thought I would simultaneously publish two posts: one about myself and this one, about my family. You can find the one about myself here. And follow below the jump.
Well howdy there, Internet people (to quote Belle of the Ranch, one of my favorite YouTubers). Where the hell have you all been?
Just kidding. 🙂 I cannot believe my last post was nearly five years ago. So much has happened, both not-so-good and good, that I scarcely know where to begin. This post, then, is simply to get the ball rolling.
I have a long list of future posts, the result of a furious two weeks of writing (so far, with more on the way) to begin to make up for five years of radio silence. I have a particular order in which I want to publish them, but inspiration struck regarding these topics, and I've learned to obey the muse when she appears.
I'll preface by emphasizing up front that I'm okay after emerging from the darkest period of my life. That will be subject of my next post, but I wanted to be clear: I'm safe, and am taking steps to address long-standing issues in my life once and for all. I have a long way to go, but I'm determined to confront and deal with them once and for all. I'm off to a very good start, thanks to the help of my sister, my nephew, my mother, and my amazing friends. I would also like to thank the doctors, nurses, and emergency personnel who demonstrated heroic levels of care and lent a sympathetic, non-judgemental ear when that was what was called for. I would not be here without them. I can never truly repay them for their kindness. Love you all, and I'll do my level best to be the person you make me want to be.
***
If you or a loved one needs help, the Suicide and Crisis Hotline is available 24/7 here in the US by calling or texting 988. You can also visit the Samaritans 24/7 Helpline at samaritanshope.org. You are not alone.
***
I don't have any decent, semi-recent selfies to share, but I have something better: my sister's pup Cooper. Here he is giving her the side-eye for not showering him with what he deems is a sufficient number of treats:
And here he is post-treat chow-down. As you can see, you always know what he's thinking, good or bad 🙂:
***
Some things never change, including me ending with several (hopefully) appropriate songs to wrap things up, starting with Julie Miller's lovely "By Way of Sorrow":
Next up is Victoria Williams with "You Are Loved":
One from The Kinks, one of my favorite bands, with "State of Confusion":
And last but not least, one from the soundtrack to Before Sunrise, one of my all-time favorite movies - Kathy McCarty's lovely cover of Daniel Johnston's "Living Life":
Stay tuned for more posts in the very near future. Just gotta type them all up (I wrote them all by hand). Watch this space!
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