In Hiding

Saturday, September 24, 2011

One thing I've noticed recently is how much more relaxed my body language has become when I'm home alone. 

I've always had some gestures that come naturally that are definitely feminine. How I hold my hands, cross my legs, and so on. I was corrected more than once for them while growing up - boys don't do that, you see. And of course kids in school picked up on them.

So I learned early on to watch myself at all times. Watch how I crossed my legs. Watch how I held my hands. And on and on and on. 

I  took a theatre class in college as an elective, mostly because it fit my schedule. As part of the class students performed scenes from various plays. As I was leaving after one of the final classes, she asked me to stay for a moment. 

She asked if I had any theatre experience, which I didn't. She was surprised, saying it certainly seemed as if I had training as an actor (little did she know). She was also struck by how stiff my body language was when a scene started, and how much freer it became as it went on as I started to be in the moment. She encouraged me to try acting further, saying it can be a good way to learn confidence and self-expression.

So in the past few months I've been trying to work on this. I mentioned it to my therapist, who asked why I was so concerned about it. I said that I was worried people would figure out about Kelly, to which she replied - gently - that I already *am* Kelly.

Similarly, I recently mentioned to a friend that I was going to be visiting another friend for a weekend and spend it as Kelly. Her reply: "Repeat after me: 'spend it as myself.' Not Kelly. Myself." Point taken. :c)

Little by little, I'm learning I don't have to hide who I am. It's a long process, but I'm patient by nature. So that's OK. 


Here's a song from my old faves, Pearl Jam. While it's called "In Hiding," it's really about emerging from isolation to engage the world. Happy 20th Anniversary, gentlemen! 


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