Musings: The Difference

I haven't published anything for a bit, so I thought I'd put this out there. I've been doing well overall. Like everyone, I have good days and not-so-good days, but basically I'm doing OK. 

I'm currently staying with a friend, as I believe I've mentioned previously. He's out of town for a bit, so I've been staying by myself for the past week. That was one of the things that got me into trouble earlier this year; I was far too isolated. I'm making sure that on the days when I don't have a scheduled session that I get out and about. I learned the hard way that being alone too often is a bad idea. 

I try to get out for a walk several times a day. I'm dealing with an issue with my knees that limits how much I can exercise, so I'm careful not to overdo it. My three hour plus walks are a thing of the past, according to my doctor, but it's still important to get out there for both my physical and mental health. And so I do.

One thing I've noticed the past few months is that I'm getting better about advocating for myself. I was extremely withdrawn, often not seeing or speaking another person for days at a time. I was very fortunate I found the strength deep down to ask for help when I reached the tipping point. As I move forward I do my best to make that a habit.

Recently I had an issue with one of my prescriptions, one that I really need. There was an issue on my health care provider's side that resulted in that prescription running out. I reached out several times to request a refill, as did my pharmacy, but we weren't getting any response. Over a week had passed; much too long to be without this prescription.

I had an appointment scheduled to figure out what was going on with my knees, so I drove back to the Boston area the day before. I was staying at my mother's condo, and as I was leaving I told her that I was not going to leave the doctor's office until I got that prescription sorted out.

And I did. As soon my doctor arrived, I asked that we get the prescription issue resolved. Basically there was a mixup on their side, which she was able to correct after a few minutes and submit the order to my pharmacy. I picked it up an hour later on my way back to my mother's.

This might seem like a small thing, but for me, at this time, it represents significant progress. I still struggle at times with anxiety over seemingly trivial matters, but bit by bit I'm able to do what's needed. Each time makes the next time easier. I've come a long way from where I was three months ago, and I'm determined to keep moving forward.

So, not my most eloquent or exciting post lol, but I want to keep writing regularly, so here we are. Hope you're enjoying the weekend; more to come soon!

 ***

I heard this song on the radio recently, which inspired me to write this post. I've always been a big fan of the Wallflowers, Jakob Dylan's band. Their breakthrough album was the classic Bringing Down the Horse, from 1996(!). The first two singles were "Sixth Avenue Heartache" (great song) and "One Headlight." The third was "The Difference."

As a bonus, here's my favorite Wallflowers song, "Three Marlenas." It's about a single woman (or possibly three different women - the lyrics are open to interpretation) presenting different faces to the world as she/they struggle to navigate multiple challenges. Jakob Dylan doesn't rate this song very highly for some reason, but I still find it haunting all these years later.

And one more, added just after I'd initially published this. I was listening to the album for the first time in quite a while just now and heard this great track - "God Don't Make Lonely Girls." Can't believe I'd almost forgotten this one!

That will do it for now; see you soon!

Auntie B, Fred Lynn, Carl Yastrzemski, & Me

I promised I would have something much less intense - and more uplifting - than the most recent group of posts, and here it is. 🙂

Two defining traits of anyone who transitions are determination and perseverance. It was my good fortune to learn that these traits ran in my family and that, I, too, could learn them for myself. This is the story of my Aunt B, a hot summer, lessons in math and life, the Boston Red Sox, and hot fudge sundaes - not necessarily in that order. 🙂 Follow along below the fold.

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The Chronicles of Cass: When It Began, Pt. 3

This is part 3 of a three part series. You can find Part 1 and Part 2 at their respective links.

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The Chronicles of Cass: When It Began, Pt. 2

This is part 2 of a three part series. You can find Part 1 and Part 3 at their respective links.

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The Chronicles of Cass: When It Began, Pt. 1

This is part 1 of a three part series. You can find Part 2 and Part 3 at their respective links.

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The Chronicles of Cass: When It Began - Introduction

This is a post I've needed to write... well, since I started this blog. Since I started my transition, really. A few months after I started Cassidy's Quest, with the encouragement of my therapist M and, particularly, my friend Kelli (of The Good, The Bad, The Blonde - hello, Miss K, if you're still out there in the blogosphere and ever come across this) I began writing what turned into a series of posts that I eventually grouped together as The Chronicles of Cass. 

They were, for all intents and purposes, my autobiography.  

But there was one very important chapter of my life that remained undocumented this entire time.

The beginning.

I wouldn't - or, more accurately, couldn't - allow myself to go back there.

Why?

I realized upon reflection that the other posts in The Chronicles of Cass series weren't writing for me; they were exorcisms. I had never shared any hint of the stories they tell with anyone - not once, not ever. 

My therapist, M, told me more than once that she could not fathom how I was able to hold them, and the attendant emotions, inside all those years. My friend F, who likely knows me better than anyone (and who is himself a therapist), has told me the same thing. 

I did not cry from the age of 12 until I was in my mid-thirties. During those years, I can now see that I was completely shut down emotionally. It began, in retrospect, as a matter of survival: I shut out the "bad" feelings because, as you will see, I had no way to adequately process them. The problem with that, of course, is you can't eliminate only one type of emotion; you wind up shutting down *all* emotions. 

These posts, then, are my attempt to finally address the time in my life when I came to realize that not only was I different from everyone I knew, in ways I couldn't possibly understand, let alone change, but that I would pay a heavy price because of those differences... but eventually gain so much more. 

This is the story of how it all began, split into three parts:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Thank you in advance for reading these.

Vignettes: Roll Me Away

 

I bid farewell to my RAV4, my vehicle of the last 28 years, earlier this morning.

It was a 1999 Toyota RAV4. I purchased it in late November 1998, and picked it up two days before Thanksgiving. This was my first - well, really, only - major purchase after earning my technical writing certificate three years previously. 

Before that I had driven a series of used cars kindly passed down to me by several relatives. For a reminiscence about my favorite, and one memorable afternoon when my friends T & B decided to make some, er, "improvements," read on.

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Musings: Lost and Found

 

The photo above is the first selfie I've taken in several years - probably close to five years, now that I think about it. I took it late last week, apparently having decided to forego makeup (and a comb, for that matter 😆), while also wearing a top that is at one size too big for me at the moment. (The clothes are courtesy of my sister C, who told me my previous wardrobe of white t-shirt and leggings - or "that depressing s***", as she referred to it) "had to go - all of it." And go it did.) 

This is pretty much how I look most days, although I happily do wear makeup at least a few days a week. I'm fine without it, but I remember what my sister C says: the days she wears makeup she does it for herself, because it makes her feel good on those days. I'm inclined to follow that way of thinking a lot more often moving forward.

I wasn't feeling very good about myself for a long time, but that is no longer the case, thankfully. I'm still a bit undernourished, the result of barely eating one meal a day, if that, for several months. I'm getting there, though, and enjoying the occasional guilt-free large maple walnut ice cream from Herrell's, an amazing ice cream chain here in Massachusetts. Best ice cream I've ever had. Yum... 🍦

So, I'm grateful to be here and able to write this post, and equally grateful to be slowly rebuilding my life. I did not think I would be here barely five weeks ago, and I am taking things one day at a time. But for the first time in a long while I feel hopeful.

I'm in the process of transcribing what will eventually be several lengthy posts. I needed to write this for a long, long time - and I do mean long. For whatever reason, the trauma I recently went through opened the floodgates. I don't question why the muse appears; I simply thank her and take advantage of the opportunity. I think finishing this once and for all will allow me to tackle other topics that have long been on the creative back burner. Looking forward to seeing what comes out of this. Hope you'll stick around too.

***

I was listening to The Kinks when I took this, and have been listening to them obsessively for quite a bit lately, as I do every year for several weeks at a time. They're one of my favorite bands, and Ray Davies is one of my favorite songwriters. Two songs in particular have been running though my head. 

First up is "State of Confusion," from their 1983 album of the same name. It's a song about modern day life, but the line that resonates with me at the moment is "I'm alive and that can't be bad." True, that. 🙂

The second song is "Lost and Found," a lovely track from their 1986 album Think Visual, an unfairly overlooked album in their catalogue. It's written about a couple in New York City during Hurricane Gloria in 1985 who are enduring two storms, one via Mother Nature and the other of a personal nature. The song ends on a hopeful note, as only Ray can provide:

We were lost and found/And we beat the fear/We came through the storm/Now it all seems clear/We were lost and found/Standing here looking at the new frontier.

Amen to that. See you next time...

Musings: My Protector

A recent post consisted of the result of a recent writing exercise in which I took part. The exercise was to write a letter of compassion/like/love to yourself. I did something a bit different and wrote a letter from pre-transition me to myself, Cassidy. I decided that turnabout is fair play, as the saying goes, so this is a brief letter from myself, Cassidy, to pre-transition me. Follow along below the jump.

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Of Ghosts, Posts, Baristas, and Crossing the Finish Line

Yes, a second post today. I wasn't planning on writing this one, but I wanted to commemorate a moment that's been 15 years in the making... and a conversation with a barista who went above and beyond.

First, I want to acknowledge a huge debt of gratitude to three people without whom this moment would not have occurred. I don't think I could have written it without their love and support, even when I wasn't really offering much progress in return. Words hardly seems sufficient... but, here is a huge thank you. ❤️

This moment commemorates the completion of a blog post I've been working on for the past three weeks. It's all done, minus a few minor gaps that need to be dashed off, probably in an hour or two of writing. It's the final piece of the autobiographical series of posts I called The Chronicles of Cass. 

I wrote nearly 25 pages on Saturday, and over 40 pages today (all by hand - that was how I wrote the entire post, ~ 100 pages total). I was determined, once I started, that I was going to finish this once and for all, and do it today. And I did. 

I wrote it all in one five hour session at a Starbucks down the street from my friend F, where I'm staying for the moment. I only stopped once, when one of the baristas came over and quietly put a fresh iced coffee on my table. I hadn't touched the one I'd purchased three-plus hours before. I thanked her and offered to pay, but she shook her head.

"Whatever you're working on must be pretty intense," she said, adding, "It's none of my business, of course."

"It''s OK," I told her. "It is intense. It's for my blog. It's something I should've written a long time ago."

"It must be important. You like you've seen a ghost, to be honest," she said.

I had to laugh a bit.

"I guess I have," I said. "I'll probably write a post about this conversation, if that's OK with you."

It was. 🙂 So, one more thank you to C, the friendly barista who knew just what I needed at that moment.

I plan to start typing up this massive post tonight... if I don't fall asleep first. Ghosts can have that effect on you, I guess, especially once you're ready to bid them adieu.

***

A few songs about spirits to round up this post. First, a lovely song from The Psychedelic Furs, from their classic Mirror Moves album - "The Ghost In You":

Robyn Hitchcock, a personal favorite of yours truly, does a terrific cover:

Speaking of personal favorites, here's one from the Indigo Girls. This is a song from Rites of Passage, called "Ghost." 

That does it for this one. Until next time, then...

Musings: It's All About Community

This is an older post I drafted some time ago that for some reason has never been  published.

Until now. 🙂

It's sort of a placeholder while I work on something really big (see below). Meanwhile, I thought this was interesting enough (I hope) to share. So, follow along below after the jump.

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Vignettes: The Nerf Ball Conventions

So, I've been writing furiously since I began to emerge from the dark period I referenced previously. I have quite a backlog of topics I want - need, in some instances - to write about, just for myself, as I'm making up for lost time, 

This isn't one of those posts... but it is about those posts. 🙂

Curious? Follow along below.

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Musings: My Letter To Me

As promised/threatened in the initial post of Cassidy's Quest: The Reboot, I'm going to make an effort to write on a regular basis again. This is a short one, the result of a recent writing exercise in which I took part. The assignment: write a letter of compassion/like/love to yourself. I decided to do something a bit different and write a letter from pre-transition me to myself, Cassidy. Here's what he/I had to say. 🙂

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No Better Than This

This is apropos of nothing I've been writing about, but these assorted clips are as good as it gets. 

First up are Marty Stuart and his incredible band tearing it up on Letterman back in 2011. (The guitarist in the cowboy hat is Kenny Vaughan, btw.) I've watched this seven times in a row tonight. You will not see a better performance than this. Enjoy!

This is a much quieter song and performance, but equally intense in its own way. Kim Richey has one of the most beautiful voices I've ever heard and is a superb songwriter to boot. This is my favorite song of hers, from back in 1999. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Next, an insanely catchy number from Utopia, led by the brilliant Todd Rundgren. Check out those amazing live harmonies. You won't be able to get this song out of your head, but it's so good you won't mind.

Utopia made a charming, ultra-low budget video for this back in 1982. I love their warped sense of humor.

Finally, the title track (and title of this post) from John Mellencamp's terrific 2010 album:

That is all, folks. We will resume our normal programming in a few more days. 🙂

Feeling Better

As promised in a previous post, here's a (necessarily) brief update on exactly what has made this blog a content-free zone the past five years. (I also simultaneously published a post about my family during the same time period.) Follow along below the fold.

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Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?

After my re-introduction post a few days ago, I thought I would follow up with a catch-up post attempting to briefly summarize the past five years since I last posted here. I'll likely expand on at least some of these in greater depth in the weeks and months to come. I thought I would simultaneously publish two posts: one about myself and this one, about my family. You can find the one about myself here. And follow below the jump.

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As I Was Saying…

<Tap tap > Hello? Is this thing on?

Well howdy there, Internet people (to quote Belle of the Ranch, one of my favorite YouTubers). Where the hell have you all been?

Just kidding. 🙂 I cannot believe my last post was nearly five years ago. So much has happened, both not-so-good and good, that I scarcely know where to begin. This post, then, is simply to get the ball rolling.

I have a long list of future posts, the result of a furious two weeks of writing (so far, with more on the way) to begin to make up for five years of radio silence. I have a particular order in which I want to publish them, but inspiration struck regarding these topics, and I've learned to obey the muse when she appears.

I'll preface by emphasizing up front that I'm okay after emerging from the darkest period of my life. That will be subject of my next post, but I wanted to be clear: I'm safe, and am taking steps to address long-standing issues in my life once and for all. I have a long way to go, but I'm determined to confront and deal with them once and for all. I'm off to a very good start, thanks to the help of my sister, my nephew, my mother, and my amazing friends. I would also like to thank the doctors, nurses, and emergency personnel who demonstrated heroic levels of care and lent a sympathetic, non-judgemental ear when that was what was called for. I would not be here without them. I can never truly repay them for their kindness. Love you all, and I'll do my level best to be the person you make me want to be.

***

If you or a loved one needs help, the Suicide and Crisis Hotline is available 24/7 here in the US by calling or texting 988. You can also visit the Samaritans 24/7 Helpline at samaritanshope.org. You are not alone.

***

I don't have any decent, semi-recent selfies to share, but I have something better: my sister's pup Cooper. Here he is giving her the side-eye for not showering him with what he deems is a sufficient number of treats:

And here he is post-treat chow-down. As you can see, you always know what he's thinking, good or bad 🙂:

***

Some things never change, including me ending with several (hopefully) appropriate songs to wrap things up, starting with Julie Miller's lovely "By Way of Sorrow":

Next up is Victoria Williams with "You Are Loved":

One from The Kinks, one of my favorite bands, with "State of Confusion":

And last but not least, one from the soundtrack to Before Sunrise, one of my all-time favorite movies - Kathy McCarty's lovely cover of Daniel Johnston's "Living Life":

Stay tuned for more posts in the very near future. Just gotta type them all up (I wrote them all by hand). Watch this space!

Another Brief Check In

 Hello all. I hope everyone is having a good summer. This is just (another) brief post. 

As I mentioned in my last post, it's been a difficult few months. Again, I prefer not to go into the specific reasons, other than to say I'm dealing with some health issues of my own, as well as those of my nephew. I will say that my nephew could use all of the positive energy and thoughts you can spare. Thank you.

This has been a particularly dark period, but the one thing that helps me without fail is music. So, I'll share a few songs from the music that's helped during this time.

First is something from a collaborative album between John Hiatt, one of my very favorite songwriters (I named one of the main characters in my old comic strip after him) and the great Jerry Douglas, who is both a solo artist and a member of Alison Krauss's band Union Station. Their album is called Leftover Feelings, and this track is "All The Lilacs In Ohio":

This is actually the second time Hiatt recorded this song; the original version was on his excellent 2001 album The Tiki Bar Is Open, with his superb backing band The Goners:

That's Sonny Landreth on slide guitar, by the way. He also appears with Hiatt on this 1988 appearance on David Letterman, performing the title track to Slow Turning:

Next is a song from what is what will almost certainly be the most moving album you will hear this year, Allison Russell's Outside Child. It is a harrowing, deeply personal, but ultimately redemptive effort, and is well worth your time. This is "Persephone," a tender song about first love, and its healing power in even the darkest of times.

She is also a member of Birds of Chicago, with her husband, JT Nero. I'm just beginning to explore their music, but one song that immediately stood out is "Real Midnight," the title track of their 2016 album:

 I'm looking forward to checking them out further. She was also in the Canadian roots-rock band Po' Girl (she's a native of Toronto), and I hope to hear some of their work as well. I first became aware of her through her participation in Our Native Daughters, a collaborative album recorded in 2018 by Russell, Rhiannon Giddens, Amythyst Kiah, and Leyla McCall. This is a powerful song called "You're Not Alone," performed at the 2019 Newport Folk Festival:

The entire album is equally good; do yourself a favor and give them a listen sometime.

That will do it for this post. Be good to yourselves.

A Brief Check In

 Hello all. Apologies for the long gap since my last post. 

This has been a difficult stretch. I've been feeling very down the past 4-6 weeks, for reasons I won't go into here. The one exception that I will discuss is my nephew's illness, which has, unfortunately, come back with a vengeance. He has had a very hard four years, and the path forward will be equally challenging. I can't go into details, but any positive thoughts you can send his way would be most appreciated. Thank you.

I've been willing myself into writing again on a daily basis, even if it's usually only for a minute or two. Anyone who has issues with mental health can understand that there are days when that minute or two represents a major victory over the darkness. It's an ongoing battle, but one I can't afford to lose. And I won't.

Again, my apologies for the somber nature of this post. I'll end with the one song I can think of that feels appropriate: Tom Petty's "I Won't Back Down," taken from the 9/11 broadcast honoring the frontline workers at the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. While the video quality is a bit iffy, his seething, defiant delivery comes through loud and clear and says what needs to be said.

Take care, everyone, and be good to yourselves. And to others. We can use lots more of that these days.

The Write Stuff

 Hello all. Just a brief post this time. 

The different/unique post I'd mentioned in my last post for this week... will actually be appearing *next* week. (Sorry!) But it's because it's expanded in scope - in a good way - not because I'm stuck. So, I'm going with the flow, as I try to do when inspiriration strikes like this. Hopefully you'll feel it was worth the extra wait. :c) Keep an eye peeled on this space!

***

I've been digging into Bryan Ferry's solo discography quite a bit the past few weeks, and have been thoroughly enjoying it. While I've always been a Roxy Music fan, the only solo work I was familiar with were his two 1980s solo efforts, Boys & Girls (1985) and Bete Noire (1988). Both were excellent; in fact, I borrowed the title of this post from a track off Bete Noire:

That's a very young Johnny Marr on guitar, incidentally. I could be mistaken, but I think he co-wrote this with Ferry.

The next track is the title track from Ferry's 1976 album Let's Stick Together. 

Only someone who is Bryan Ferry-level cool could get away with not only pulling off a white suit but looking effortlessly stylish as well. (Having Jerry Hall in a catsuit draped all over you while wearing it doesn't hurt, I suppose. ;D) Not sure about that mustache though...

Here's another track from the same album, and one of my favorites from his solo catalog: "Chance Meeting." Roxy Music did a terrific version of it on their 1972 debut album, but I think he actually manages to top that powerful version with the stark, deeply personal version on Let's Stick Together. Here's a great live version from 1999:

I'll end up with one more from 1988's Bete Noire album. This is "Kiss and Tell," which also features Johnny Marr on guitar (on the studio version, not this live version).

That's going to do it for this post. 'Til next time, have a great weekend...