Yup, another year gone by! Hard to believe - that I keep thinking up stupid boob-related puns, that is. :)
Kidding aside, this video is about the changes I've seen the past three years - in particular the last three-four weeks. It's pretty remarkable. Hope you agree. :)
***
The Talking Heads song I've forever besmirched with my dumb pun, originally recorded for their classic 1979 album Fear of Music. This version is from the equally good live album, The Name of This Band Is Talking Heads, released in 1982:
Talking Heads are one of those groups I really wish I could have seen live. Alas, I was too young at the time. Their music is as relevant today as it was back in the 70s and early- to mid-80s. Not many artists you can say that about...
Yup... it's time for yet *another* video from yours truly. One again featuring shaky camerawork, questionable wardrobe choices, and ill-advised attempts at humor. Hmm... this sounds like a porn video, actually. Which, come to think of it, would do wonders for my view count... Anyway, that's an idea to set aside for another day. >=)
But for now, settle back and enjoy another installment of Cass's Coulda-Been-A-Blockbuster. :D
***
So my friend R was nice enough to braid my hair for me again on Friday, as I had plans later that evening. After arriving home I chatted with (who else?) April (no prizes for guessing that! lol) until nearly 3:00 AM. I watched an episode of Treme, which I'm FINALLY getting around to at long last, and then, at long last, prepared to go to bed.
I undid the braid, bent forward, and shook it loose. When I flipped it back up and looked in the mirror, I saw this... and burst out laughing - because this was what I saw!
(BTW, that was my attempt at the "Boston-tough-chick" look. I needed to apply at least one more tube of pink lip gloss and add hoop earrings to really pull it off though...)
I laughed and laughed (did I mention it was after 4:00 AM?), and was telling a friend today that I could walk onto the set of L.A. Law or Dynasty circa 1986 and no one would have batted an eye. We are talking BIG hair here!
I much prefer it pulled back off my face, but these were too funny not to share. Hope you got a kick out of them!
***
I've been listening to a lot of Bob Dylan, The Band, and The Byrds this week, what with the release of the latest Bootleg Series release of The Basement Tapes. These are the sessions Dylan held in the spring and summer of 1967 with what would soon become The Band, literally recorded in the basement of the home the band was renting near Woodstock New York. I thought I'd include a few songs from those sessions here.
First up, "Million Dollar Bash." The joy they were taking in simply playing for the joy of playing is infectious:
The Band's "I Shall Be Released," featuring Richard Manuel's haunted lead vocal:
And finally, The Byrds, doing a great live version of "This Wheel's On Fire," co-written by Dylan and Rick Danko:
The smokin' guitar solo was courtesy of the amazing Clarence White, one of the great guitarists of all time. He was killed by a drunk driver in 1973 while loading his gear following a show in 1973. He was 29 years old.
Here's one more, Nashville West," featuring White's mind-bending guitar technique.
Roger McGuinn - not exactly a slouch on guitar himself - would routinely introduce this song by saying, "Clarence is gonna pick one for you now. And I'm gonna try to keep up." You can see why here!
Hi everyone. Things have been moving along - so fast I can barely keep pace. I just made a video to cover some of it. There's more to come - good things, too. But for now, this gets the ball rolling. :-p
Hope everyone has a great weekend! And thank you for being so wonderful! Love you all! xoxoxo
Yesterday was the first day that felt like winter here - a cold, soaking rain, 30-40 MPH (48-64 KPH), and temperatures in the lows 40s F (4C). I attended a concert - Bruce Cockburn, a longtime favorite, who was wonderful, per usual.
I was cold all day. No, scratch that - I was fa-ree-ee-zing. Ever since I started HRT, I spent most months other than June to August shivering. I wore a cami, a long sleeve t-shirt, and a heavy hooded sweatshirt all day - indoors, no less - and I was *still* shivering. (As I write this I'm in bed, wearing a flannel nightgown and huddled under flannel sheets, a blanket, and not one, but two afghans - and I'm *still* shivering.)
So, when I was headed off to the concert, I went to my closet where I store my winter clothes and pulled out the leather jacket I received for Christmas about five years ago.
It's a boy's coat, but I was able to wear it last winter without much of a problem. And it fit fine.
Then I put it on.
Oh.
My.
God.
One thought flashed through my mind:
I'm shrinking!
I looked like a little girl trying on Daddy's coat! lol
I mean, it just hangs off of me now. And it fit perfectly last winter. Not anymore, clearly.
I wore a pair of capris to work a few days ago. They've fit... well, honestly for most of the year they were, umm, snug.
No longer.
My co-worker R called out to me after I walked past her.
"Those are so loose on you, hon," she says. "You look like a girl wearing her boyfriend's jeans!"
And she was right. Again... they were hanging off me.
I've been running since the beginning of August.
When I began, I could run literally run for one minute before I needed to rest.
Ten days ago I ran for 60 minutes (5.5 miles) without stopping.
I've lost 22 lbs. in three months. And I've lost 32 lbs. since the beginning of March.
My goal is to lose another 15 or so pounds. That will get me back to what I weighed from my junior year in high school until I started this job. Really, what I've weighed for most of my life.
I don't think I realized just how much of an impact the running has had.
Now I do.
This was what sealed the deal (I took these earlier this afternoon):
If you told me I would look like this at the beginning of August, I would have laughed at you. I still can't believe it's me. The past few days have been such a revelation. In the best ways.
I'll be writing more about this. But for now, suffice it to say that I'm beginning to see the woman so many people have been telling me they've seen all along.
BTW, this was me wearing the jacket last night:
:#)
More later, everyone. Love you all! xoxoxo
***
A few from Toronto's finest, Bruce Cockburn.
Here's what's probably his best-known song (in the States, that is). This is "Wondering Where The Lions Are," from his 1979 album Dancing In The Dragon's Jaws:
Another you might know - "Lovers In A Dangerous Time," from 1984's Stealing Fire:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IX4gWkFqvU
And a personal favorite - "January In The Halifax Airport Lounge," from 1975's Joy Will Find A Way:
Just a few of the costume/outfit I wore at work today. (It pulled double duty as you'll see below.) More to follow with my *other* costume. :D
I did slightly better in the eyeliner/mascara/lipstick attempt today. Not much, but that's OK. A little each day will add up to a lot in a short period of time.
Yes, that's right: I was one of Josie's Pussycats today. :)
Here you can see my entire outfit.
After work I had my makeup done professionally for the Halloween party I attended tonight. Here's a sneak preview.
The makeup artist and the owner of the salon - neither of whom I'd met before today - were both incredibly gracious. It was a wonderful experience. I'm going back for a makeup lesson in two weeks. She assured me I will pick it up in no time at all if I practice every day. And I will. So stay tuned. :)
***
A "guilty-pleasure" song from Ryan Adams (who's a long-time favorite of mine, so no disrespect is intended):
Once again, I want to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has reached out this week. I would not have gotten through it without all of you. I can never repay you for the kindness you've shown me. Although I know a few of you will ask.
(Kidding! I kid!)
I'm feeling a bit better every day. My sister and nephew C have been unbelievable. They are the rock on which I stand. I will treasure the exchanges I have had with my nephew the past two evenings for the rest of my life. He is a remarkable young man. I plan to write a post just about him. He deserves that and much, much more.
I plan to write more about the past week in the days to come. I've learned so much about myself, and about what is truly important to me. And I'm taking steps to make those things the top priority in my life.
Do I wish I had started these things sooner? I do. But as several friends have pointed out, everyone's journey is different. This is mine. I have a lifetime of regrets already; I am done with adding more to the list. The past is done. All that matters is this moment. And the moments to come, and ensuring that I live each one to the fullest. If I can do that, the future will take care of itself.
I thought I would share a few pictures to show some progress I've made in the past few days.
I've mentioned how much makeup has become... well, an obsession for me. As you probably guessed, it was never really about makeup. It was just a symbol of something far deeper.
Now I know what that was. And I say "was" because those things are NOT going to hold me back any longer.
I promised myself on Monday evening that I was going to work on my makeup skills every day from now on.
But then I caught myself.
"No," I thought. "You aren't going to work on it; you're going to play with it."
I'm a writer. I know how powerful words are. And there's a huge, huge difference between doing something as work and doing it as play.
I am finally living as myself. I've lived a life almost devoid of joy for nearly all of it, for a number of reasons.
Well, to hell with that.
I'm Cassidy.
I'm proud of who I am.
And I'll be damned if I did all of this work to continue living in fear. Because that's what I've been doing since I went full-time.
No more.
(I would like to thank a certain fellow blogstress - an admitted blonde, who is also notorious for her continued failure to grasp the inherit majesty of our bovine brethren and sisters - for helping drive that point home to me. Forcefully. :D Thank you again, Kelli. :))
I'll be writing and doing videos in the weeks to come about the concrete steps I plan to take to get to where I want. But for now, I thought I'd share a few photos to show the results of how I've spent the past few mornings and evenings.
I took these just now. I'm basically wearing just eyeliner, mascara, and lip gloss. My skills are... well, there's a huge amount of room for growth, let's put it that way. :)
But I choose to look at it like this:
This is the very best I could do today.
Tomorrow, I'll do a bit better.
And the next a bit better than that.
If I keep that attitude, again, I think my skills will start to pick up.
So, here are a few shots of where I am as of today, October 30, 2014, on this part of my journey.
I think these are... well, they're a decent start. With enough practice, I think I can figure out a fairly good look that will work for me. It will take a while, and some experimenting, and playing around with different things. But it's going to be fun. A lot of fun. I get to use myself as a blank canvas every day. It's going to be interesting to see what develops.
Speaking of developing, I included the first photo, of me with the glasses, for a reason.
I noticed a few days ago that they suddenly looked, well, different when I was wearing them.
I wondered if I was imagining things.
But a few days later my friend R told me that they're too big for my face.
And she's right. They are.
But they weren't just a few weeks ago.
It's subtle. But things are clearly continuing to change in both the emotional and physical aspects of my transition as it moves ahead.
More to come about what I plan to do about this soon. And I'll post more in-progress pics as I move forward.
It's been an emotional, exhausting week. And there are big challenges ahead. But if I keep focused on doing my best each day, I will be OK.
Because I'm Cassidy.
And I'm a girl.
And girls rock.
Night, all. I love each and every one of you.
***
I've posted this song before, but it's probably the best song I've heard about friendship, so I wanted to post it again. I'm fairly certain this is a different version than what I previously posted. But even if it isn't, it's a magical performance of a beautiful, moving song. I dedicate to all of you.
The birds they sang
at the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don't dwell on what
has passed away
or what is yet to be
***
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
***
You can add up the parts
but you won't have the sum
You can strike up the march
there is no drum
Every heart, every heart
to love will come
but like a refugee
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
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