I know I have been pretty quiet lately. I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout around the holidays with my family, as well as more stress at work and some ongoing personal matters.
Quite honestly, it takes nearly all of my energy to get out of bed in the morning, and by the time I get home I am so drained I can barely stay awake. I know it's a combination of all of the stress from the matters I mentioned above, as well as everything that has happened the past two-plus years, and the time of year.
I have SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder - which is at its worst this time of year. Making matters worse, this has been a particularly brutal winter so far. With the exception of a few days last week, it has been much colder than normal here since the beginning of November. We have also had a stormy winter - we are barely a month into the official season, and we will likely surpass our annual average by the time tonight's storm (8-10 inches) is finished.
I know the SAD will go away, and hopefully eventually the lethargy, sadness, and exhaustion will as well. But right now I just need to do the best I can to cope with it all as best I can and hope the better days ahead get here sooner rather than later.
***
Some appropriate music for this post from Daniel Lanois, who hails from northern Ontario. This is from Acadie, his 1989 debut album. This gorgeous, haunting song is called "Ice":
This song is precisely how winter feels to me. Remarkable for an artist to capture something as ephermal as an entire season in a single song. But then, Daniel Lanois is a remarkable artist.
He produced or co-produced, among many others, U2's The Unforgettable Fire, Joshua Tree, and Achtung Baby, Peter Gabriel's So, Robbie Robertson's self-titled solo debut album, Bob Dylan's Oh Mercy and Time Out of Mind, the Neville Brothers' Yellow Moon, and Neil Young's La Noise. If you like any of those albums, you will like his solo albums. Guaranteed.
Hi all. Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend. :c)
I'm feeling a bit better after taking the week off. Still tired, which is to be expected, I suppose. I have quite a bit I need to process on a number of fronts from the past few weeks. It may also be from the time of year as much as anything else.
Hopefully things will slowly improve in the coming weeks. I hope that is the case. I will do what is within my power to make it so.
I have several fairly long, rather serious posts to write, but I thought I would post a short one about a funny moment from Thursday evening. :c)
Happy New Year, everyone. Hope the holidays were good for everyone.
I am still here. But I will not sugarcoat things: the past two weeks, particularly Christmas week, have been the most painful and draining of my life.
I touched on some of what happened with my family in my posts just before Christmas. I learned even more about what happened in the next few days (I spent the holidays apart from my parents and my brother's family) from my sister, who visited me Christmas night with my nephew C.
I will write about the family matters soon, but suffice it to say it confirms everything I suspected, or, really, that I knew all along.
Right now I am as exhausted as I have ever been, other than when I was recovering from mono several years ago. But this is close. I slept for nearly 20 hours on Saturday. Last night I came down with a nasty stomach bug that is going around, and missed work. I slept from about 8:00 AM until nearly 5:00.
I've been meeting regularly with my therapist the past few weeks; we met three times last week, at her suggestion. I'm glad we did. She is concerned about how exhausted I am. I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for next week, and I will discuss matters with her at that time.
I carried over a week of vacation with the intent of using it for a trip in the next few months, but I may need to use it before then simply to… well, do nothing. I really want to save it… but not at the expense of getting really sick.
In spite of the enormous heartache and loss of the past two weeks - and as far as I am concerned I am done with my brother and sister-in-law - I am proud of myself. The past two weeks were the culmination of the two and half hardest years of my life.
And I survived.
In fact, I grew enormously. (Well, OK, not my boobs or butt; you can't have everything, I suppose.)
"He" could never have stood up to my parents, or my brother, the way I did. Nor could he have resolved to take the high road no matter what they chose to say or do - and then followed through.
But I did.
I am bruised and battered… but I am done with the worst of it, I suspect.
I will write a new post about my new year's resolution soon. Essentially, it is this:
I am now going to focus on ME.
I am going to get in the best shape of my life.
I am going to learn how to look my best.
And I am going to embrace my new life.
Because I earned it.
Look out, 2014.
Here comes Cass!
:D
***
I've used this song before, but it's such a perfect song for new beginnings I am going to post it again. Also, you can never have too much of the Kinks in your day!
So… here's wishing you all the bluest skies. Oh, and the very best of choruses, too. :c)
As anyone reading this blog knows via my endless selfies the past few weeks :c), I had my hair done several weeks ago.
However, I did *not* mention (other than a brief mention in a reply to Becca's comment) my visit's other highlight (no pun intended) - the person sitting next to me.
Given how somber my last post was, I thought it only proper to follow up with something much more upbeat. Also, I literally did not sleep a wink last night, and do not currently have the wherewithal to write something from scratch. :-/
A surprising number of people have started following my blog this past year. (P.S. I'm sorry). :-p The majority of them quickly - and wisely - opted not to slog through two-plus years of angst, misguided attempts at humor, and questionable fashion and hairstyle-related decisions.
Nonetheless, buried amongst the dross there are a few posts that only make me cringe a little bit. I beg your indulgence in letting me share one of those posts again.
Oddly enough, I wrote it two years ago to this very day - December 23, 2011. It's about my favorite Christmas ever, when I was nine years old. I think it helps paint a fuller picture of my family - such as we were - when I was growing up.
I am still very pleased with how this turned out. While my current Christmas has turned into a bit of an adventure, I promise that this post has a happy ending. :c)
I wanted to share a pic I took after work today. This is my first effort with my new curling iron that did not result in: a) a visit from the fire department, b) a trip to the local trauma center for burns, and/or c) a more than passing resemblance to Little Orphan Annie. :D
But here - judge for yourself!
Not bad for my first serious attempt. I even received a compliment about it!
I was walking into Starbucks this evening just as an older gentleman was trying to open the door and balance a tray with four cups of coffee.
He gave me a grateful smile when I ran up and held the door open for him.
"Thank you, Miss," he said. "Polite, pretty, *and* a redhead - it's my lucky day!"
My face matched my hair as he wished me a Merry Christmas! :#)
***
Again, I wanted to share a few of my favorite humorous Christmas-related clips and songs from the past two years for anyone who hasn't seen them yet.
And also for those who have seen them, but still love a good laugh. :c)
First, a Liberace Christmas, with a guest appearance from the great (and hungry - watch that turkey at the end of the sketch!) Orson Welles:
Next up we have Christmas music done Muppets-style, starring the eternally put-upon Beaker:
If ever there was an eternal optimist, however, it is Beaker. No matter how much evidence there is to show his faith is totally unjustified. :D
Last but not least, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is reinterpreted for the 21st century - courtesy of Martin Scorsese:
April's observation from last year remains a propos: "Like I always say: never trust an elf."
True that. :-p
Coming up next: Cass meets Santa - in the salon!!!
I am emotionally drained at the moment, so I will apologize in advance if the tone of this post is somewhat skewed. But I need to write it before I can go to sleep.
I finally met with my parents today, about the events I've discussed in my recent posts. I may or may not go further into them at another time, but for now I will just cover the basics.
It was stormy, it was ugly, and it was raw.
It was, in short, everything I predicted would happen.
It finally ended with what must suffice for now as an "acceptable" outcome - and, most important, with my integrity and dignity intact.
More below the fold.
(Don't be afraid - it isn't *all* doom and gloom… just most of it. :-))
I am still working on a somewhat lengthy post about my transition to full-time last Friday. It's been a very busy week here (two snowstorms in three days, my manager being in town, Christmas shopping, and more), which has left me with little to no time to write.
However, I wanted to quickly post something about my first few days at work.
In a nutshell:
Wonderfully, exhilaratingly normal.
If that makes sense. lol
Much like my first day and first week spent as myself, I was surprised to find that it simply felt… right.
I was not the least bit nervous on Sunday evening.
Not even when I needed to race to the supermarket for a a literally last-second purchase of supplies to create a new gaff. (My old one, which served with distinction - or should that be indistinction, given its purpose? lol - chose this day to shred itself to bits when I inadvertently put it in the laundry.)
Nor was I nervous when I woke up on Monday morning.
I awoke at 6:00 AM, put on coffee, and proceeded through a trial run of my new routine, minus a few key steps.
I chose not not to attempt to curl my hair, simply because I hadn't had a chance to try it before. (I had to leave it alone for a few days after going strawberry blonde last Thursday.) I also wanted to see how it looked when I let it dry on its own. The verdict: wavy, but in need of some styling. ;-p)
I also decided not to attempt makeup. Quite simply, I am not at all confident in my skill level yet. I will write more about this in another post, but for now I will leave it at that. I have had no trouble going out without out it so far, amazingly enough, so I felt OK doing so at work as well.
Once I was done and dressed (and yes, I did wear a dress!), I drove to work. Again, it felt like my standard 45-50 minute commute, which I spent listening to the soundtrack to A Charlie Brown Christmas. I dislike the long commute, but listening to good music - and practicing my voice on the way home - at least alleviates some of the aggravation.
Upon arriving at the office, I didn't hesitate for a moment. I gathered my belongings - now including my purse (teal, of course) - and headed inside. I felt completely calm. Which felt pretty great at the same time. :c)
Without exception, everyone at the office treated me as they always do. As I joked to our HR rep last week, we tech writers are used to being shunned by our co-workers on a normal day, so I didn't see why this would change anything. lol
Actually, that isn't true at all. :D A number of folks stopped by to say hello, and / or offer their congratulations. (I would add that the cookies and candy canes I brought in may have played a part as well.),
Many others greeted me with warm smiles and greetings throughout the day as they encountered me in the hallways or saw me walk by. Even more amazing: everyone got the name and pronouns correct. (Even me, Stace! ;-p)
I really couldn't have asked for a better first day. I wound up spending the last few hours of the day in out main office for an impromptu Doc team meeting, which meant I got to say hello to the writers in that office I had not had a chance to catch up with personally. They were fine as well.
I stayed a bit later than I had planned to finish off a few items for a co-worker, then headed to the nearby Starbucks where I often stop on my way home.
For various logistical reasons, I hadn't been there for nearly two weeks, so they had no idea about my transition. I suspected they would be fine; they are exceptionally friendly, and we all love to talk baseball and hockey each time I visit.
When I walked in, the manager, B, who has become a good friend, glanced up at me while on his dinner break. As he does with every customer, regular or no, he greeted me with a smile. And then he added a polite "Good evening, miss." :D He had no idea who I was. I smiled back and said I was doing well, after which he resumed his dinner.
M, the barista working the register, also greeted me warmly. "Evening, miss. I love your dress!"
"Thank you," I replied, smiling widely.
"You're welcome," she said, smiling back. "What can we get - "
She stopped and looked at me for several seconds. Then she clamped her hand over her mouth.
"Well, look at you!" she said with a grin. "You look wonderful, hon! Oh, I just *love* your hair!"
I thanked her, my face no doubt the color *of* my hair at that moment.
B had looked up from his dinner again; a moment later, he too recognized me. He stood up immediately, came over - and hugged me. Yes, I teared up a bit. :')
"You look fantastic!" he exclaimed. "Congratulations! We've been wondering where you were the past few weeks. How long since - I'm sorry, what is it called when you do this?"
"Going full-time," I replied. "Last Friday was my first day. And today was my first day at work."
After congratulating me, we chatted for a few minutes about my new name, how folks at work took it, and how my family was handling it. I told them the truth, albeit without going into details.
B shook his head.
"All anyone needs to do is look at you and it's obvious how happy you are. I can see it, and I just met you, Cass! Why can't they?"
I shook my head.
"Well, you have our full support, right, M?"
"Absolutely," she added. "You're not just a regular; you're a part of the family here, hon."
I teared up again, and didn't care a bit.
"Thank you," I said. "You have no idea how much this means to me."
"Well, we have to stay on your good side, Cass," B said. "How else are we going to get the Bruins and Celtics scores every night?"
(Those are Boston's hockey and basketball teams, respectively.)
We all laughed.
"Well, it's always good to know people's real motivation," I replied.
Several new customers walked in, so B and M returned behind the counter.
"If there's ever anything we can do to help, Cass, you just let us know," B said. "I mean it."
"Even if you just need someone to listen, hon," added M.
"Thank you both," I replied. "Now I almost feel bad I didn't leave a tip."
And thus ended my first work day as myself. :D
***
A few songs for my new status as a full-time working girl. (It sounds so wonderful to be able to say that!!!)
To begin, song one on side one of album one from Elvis Costello, 1977's My Aim Is True:
Such a brilliant album!
I am going to cheat now. I used the next two songs in a previous post, but they are both such great songs, and so appropriate for this post, that I'm going to use them again. (My blog, my rules!)
A way cool song from The Members, back in 1982:
Always loved the lead singer's sly grin and the twinkle in his eye as he sings about being a kept man. :c) I had this album (Uprhythm, Downbeat) back in the day, and wish I could find it on CD or MP3. Good times, good times…
This is from 2001's masterful The World Won't End, from the Pernice Brothers:
Isn't it great? The whole album is that good, and is just one gem in an impressive catalogue. The fact that I am fortunate enough to know Joe Pernice, the main force behind the band, only increases my admiration for them. Check them out; you won't regret it.
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